On Wednesday night, the Chicago Bulls halted the impressive winning streak of the Miami Heat at 27 games. Luckily, a gaggle of exceedingly white dudes had courtside seats (because white people looooooove courtside seats) and treated us to the above picture.
This moment in basketball history deserves special attention. Computer: ZOOM IN. ENHANCE.
This guy is pretty white, I guess. If you were able to capture Howard Dean's infamous scream, grant it sentience and a corporeal form and fill it full of Mike's Hard Lemonade, this is what you'd be looking at. Thanks, science! You've done it again!
Let's move along to the next item on the menu. Whaddaya got for us, white people?
Hey, it's the white Lewis Black! Dude unironically throwing up the peace sign in celebration and looking terrified someone is going to request he start dancing. "I'M EXCITED BUT PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT ME DON'T MAKE ME USE MY BODY TO DO THINGS OH GOD."
I feel ya, buddy.
Aw, a tender moment! Just two white guys, enjoying each others' company, wearing their finest Cherokee-brand shirts. This is something really special. Let's give them their privacy.
Aw, buddy. Well, not all white people can be happy about the Heat losing, I guess. This guys WELP face says it all, I guess. There's only so m-- good lord, that's a lot of jewelry, bro. That's so much jewelry my heavens. And you're only wearing a jersey and some stone-washed jeans. Not even an undershirt. Just a mile of gold chain. Now you're making US sad, but in a very different way.
Okay, moving on.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY F****** S***
If Wallace Shawn were an even whiter Gollum, you'd STILL have to ramp several notches up the White Guy Meter to arrive at ... THIS. LOOK AT HIS CRAZY WRIST AND FIST. IT"S LIKE HIS REAL HAND IS IN HIS SLEEVE AND HE'S HOLDING A WACKY FAKE ARM LIKE A SOUVENIR CAPTAIN HOOK HOOK.
Phew, okay. We really need something to celebrate this occasion. Something worthy of the Internet.
Never change, white people. You are a GOLD MINE.