clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Awful Advice: Everything you need to know about The Master's

The Master Is, or "The Masters" for short, is underway. You don't know anything about it, so Jon Bois will explain it to you.

Andrew Redington

The Master Is is a tradition like no other. For short, you may know it as the "Master's." That grammatical contraction is the only remotely casual thing about the entire affair, which is basically like going to some sort of outdoor allergen-saturated church for four days. Here are some fast facts about the Master's:

  • Everyone who plays at the Master's has to wear a green jacket.
  • Golf is actually sort of fun to watch on TV! Not shitting you! I mean it's like baseball, you have to be doing something else and just have it in the background. But it's cool.
  • golf was invented in 1993 by john golf
  • who is john golf

Playing at the Master's is a great way to make friends and learn a new sport. Here's what you'll need in order to play in this tournament, which has started already.

GOLF EQUIPMENT THAT YOU SHOULD oh it's already in the picture nevermind


1. Golf club. Before you hit the course, take a few minutes to practice your swing. This is what the ideal golf swing looks like:

(hover to animate)


2. Field repair mallet. If you do not have a field repair mallet, you will be sorry.

3. Golf cloths. Bring at least 400 golf cloths. You just never know when you're going to need golf cloths.

4. Golf muffin. Literally nobody on Earth has been hit by a train while eating a muffin. Fore!

5. Bogey mask. If you score a bogey, you will be required to wear this mask on the following hole. It actually goes all the way down to your knees, so your arms sort of look like weird grotesque ears. It's really wild.

6. Golf club. I already told you to bring a dang golf club! Why'd you make me repeat myself?

7. Basketball jersey. Just make sure it's a white guy's jersey.

8. Dog bone. My dog ran away and I don't know where he went. This was his favorite bone. Do you think that maybe you could take this with you? If you see him you could maybe lure him over with it.

9. Dog collar and leash. And could you please bring this so that you can put it on him so he doesn't get away? In case you need to call him, his name is Dog Supplies.

10. Picture of my dog. I have a framed photo of my dog. Please take it. Please bring it back too. It is my only frame.

11. Money for if you need to give someone a reward. For your trouble I will also give you enough money to buy a pop. Please find my dog.

12. "FIND DOG" signs. I have had a stack of papers printed out instructing people to find my dog. Please find my dog.

Please find my dog.













I need to get my golf stuff together and pack my clothes. I am leaving tomorrow to play golf at the Master's.

- Arnold Palmer, many others

It's called the Masters, not the "Master's."

- wrong dorks

Putt, putt, hike!

- Hootie Bananas Knox Savannah Juniper Jupiter XLVVVVVVVVVIV

Golfing, golfing what a game

Which you should play

- poem