Dodgers/Diamondbacks brawl: The most '80s brawl possible?

On Tuesday night, shards of my youth and innocence got into a fight. It was a fight that made me think of my childhood, even more than I would have if it were between the Trix Rabbit and Optimus Prime. There were so, so, so many All-Stars from the 1980s. There was Charles Nagy to represent the '90s, but that's a topic for another day.

The (possibly incomplete) list of the players who showed up on the telecast:

• Don Mattingly (6)
• Kirk Gibson (0)
• Mark McGwire (3)
• Matt Williams (0)
• Alan Trammell (5)
• Tim Wallach (4)
• Don Baylor (0)
• Davey Lopes (2)
• Rick Honeycutt (2)
• Steve Sax (4)
• Steve Yeager (0)

The number next to the player indicates the number of All-Star rosters each player made from 1980 through 1989. Don Baylor was a '70s All-Star, Matt Williams was a '90s All-Star, and Kirk Gibson might be the best player in the history of the All-Star Game not to make a roster. So while it seems like this was the fight of the '80s superstars -- oh, man, whichever ABC exec didn't come up with that first is fired -- there was a little spillover into the preceding and following decades. There were 26 combined All-Star appearances for the '80s.

Are there teams that could have done better? There really isn't a way to do this other than visit the "coaches" page on the other 28 teams' websites and check the names with Baseball-Reference.com … but, by gum, this is something we absolutely need to know.

Except, maybe this won't be so hard. Look at the Orioles, for example:

Buck Showalter
Manager

Jim Presley
Batting Coach

Einar Diaz
Assistant Hitting Coach

Rick Adair
Pitching Coach

Wayne Kirby
First Base Coach

Bobby Dickerson
Third Base Coach

John Russell
Bench Coach

Bill Castro
Bullpen Coach

Rudy Arias
Bullpen Catcher

I mean, I had a few Jim Presley cards. He was going to be big, dang it. But he had just one All-Star appearance, and even then it was probably a Mariners pity selection. If the Dodgers and Orioles got into a brawl, the '80s star power would have been all on one side.

There are really only a few contenders for "Team that could possibly compete in an '80s-Star Brawl with the Dodgers or Diamondbacks." In reverse order:

5. A's

Chili Davis (2 All-Star appearances)
Mike Gallego (0)
Curt Young (0)
Bob Melvin (0)

See how tough this is? This is the #5 team. Well, I eyeballed it. I'm not going to look up how many All-Star appearances Ty Van Burkleo had because I'm pretty sure I know. But when I do that, I'm sure to miss a couple, so please forgive me.

I thought this would be a dark-horse contender, but it turns out Gallego never made an All-Star Game. This got me thinking: Are All-Star appearances really the best way to measure how '80s a player is? Isn't there a better way to measure players who defined the '80s?

Yes. Yes, there is. Starting Lineup figures. Chili Davis had one. The rest did not. The dolls action figures have it. The A's are a distant fifth.

4. White Sox

Robin Ventura (0)
Harold Baines (4)
Daryl Boston (0)
Mark Parent (0)
Bobby Thigpen (0)

Three Starting Lineups (Ventura, Baines, and Thigpen), but Ventura's success mostly came in the '90s, which hurt the White Sox some. Still, as a bunch of baseball names from the past milling around a push-pile of angry hornet-men, this would be a fine selection.

3. Twins

Tom Brunansky (1)
Terry Steinbach (2)
Paul Molitor (3)
Rick Anderson (0)

We're counting Paul Molitor, even though he's a baserunning coordinator and not really in uniform. That might be cheating, but we had to boost the numbers. You don't even have to ask if those top three had Starting Lineup figures. Rick Anderson is included for the completionists out there, but it's really a Bruno/Steinbach/Molitor front three that gets the Twins considered.

2. Rangers

Ron Washington (0)
Mike Maddux (0)
Dave Magadan (0)
Andy Hawkins (0)
Gary Pettis (0)
Tony Fernandez (3)
Greg Maddux (1)

This team fares poorly with All-Star games, but Pettis had a Starting Lineup. So did Magadan. They were in the early '90s, though, so it's a tough call. Several of those players are distilled '80s, though, and some of them would fit well on a Diamond King card. Tony Fernandez was a Diamond King in 1988, even.

And what if you add …

Nolan Ryan (3)

He'd look awfully silly charging onto the field in a suit. But what if the, say, White Sox and Rangers got into a brawl, and the White Sox manager saw Ryan and decided to take back his life. What then? Ryan could most certainly be involved, so his three appearances are added onto the pile.

1. Phillies

Steve Henderson (0)
Wally Joyner (1)
Juan Samuel (2)
Ryne Sandberg (6)

The only real contender to the throne. There's a Hall of Famer and a player with one of those Topps Rookie gold cups on his rookie card. Juan Samuel is extremely '80s, getting a Diamond King and three straight Starting Lineup figures.

About that list up there of the Dodgers and Diamondbacks: The Dodgers dominate the '80s. Kirk Gibson was a star, but he never made the All-Star Game. Matt Williams was a '90s star. That leaves Alan Trammell as the guy picking up the slack, and he isn't even a Hall of Famer (though he should be).

So you have to choose: Gibson/Williams/Baylor/Trammell, or Henderson/Joyner/Samuel/Sandberg?

It's tough. But I think the Phillies take it. A Dodgers/Phillies brawl would have the potential for the most '80s brawl possible right now. The odds are good that it wouldn't feature Don Mattingly throwing down Wally Joyner, but it could. So all we can do is hope. And wait. And possibly create a fake John Mayberry Twitter account for the express purpose of tweeting awful things about Zack Greinke.

You know, to get things started.

(A full list of the coaches found on MLB.com, if you were interested:)

Red Sox

#	Name	Position
53	John Farrell	Manager
28	Greg Colbrunn	Hitting Coach
57	Victor Rodriguez	Assistant Hitting Coach
47	Juan Nieves	Pitching Coach
43	Arnie Beyeler	First Base Coach
13	Brian Butterfield	Third Base Coach
17	Torey Lovullo	Bench Coach
58	Dana LeVangie	Bullpen Coach

White Sox

#	Name	Position
23	Robin Ventura	Manager
31	Jeff Manto	Batting Coach
3	Harold Baines	Assistant Hitting Coach
99	Don Cooper	Pitching Coach
17	Daryl Boston	First Base Coach
47	Joe McEwing	Third Base Coach
8	Mark Parent	Bench Coach
58	Bobby Thigpen	Bullpen Coach
59	Mark Salas	Bullpen Catcher

Indians

#	Name	Position
17	Terry Francona	Manager
29	Ty Van Burkleo	Hitting Coach
44	Mickey Callaway	Pitching Coach
16	Mike Sarbaugh	First Base Coach
2	Brad Mills	Third Base Coach
15	Sandy Alomar, Jr.	Bench Coach
45	Kevin Cash	Bullpen Coach
64	Armando Camacaro	Bullpen Catcher
60	Francisco Morales	Bullpen Catcher

Orioles

#	Name	Position
26	Buck Showalter	Manager
15	Jim Presley	Batting Coach
	Einar Diaz	Assistant Hitting Coach
41	Rick Adair	Pitching Coach
23	Wayne Kirby	First Base Coach
11	Bobby Dickerson	Third Base Coach
77	John Russell	Bench Coach
57	Bill Castro	Bullpen Coach
62	Rudy Arias	Bullpen Catcher

Tigers

#	Name	Position
10	Jim Leyland	Manager
8	Lloyd McClendon	Batting Coach
87	Toby Harrah	Assistant Hitting Coach
51	Jeff Jones	Pitching Coach
17	Rafael Belliard	First Base Coach
61	Tom Brookens	Third Base Coach
22	Gene Lamont	Bench Coach
59	Mike Rojas	Bullpen Coach
97	Jeff Kunkel	Bullpen Catcher
99	Scott Pickens	Bullpen Catcher

Astros

16	Bo Porter	Manager
11	John Mallee	Hitting Coach
51	Dan Radison	Assistant Hitting Coach
26	Doug Brocail	Pitching Coach
35	Dave Clark	First Base Coach
47	Dave Trembley	Third Base Coach
3	Eduardo Perez	Bench Coach
37	Dennis Martinez	Bullpen Coach
85	Javier Bracamonte	Bullpen Catcher
	Jeff Murphy	Bullpen Catcher

Royals

#	Name	Position
3	Ned Yost	Manager
5	George Brett	Hitting Coach
58	Dave Eiland	Pitching Coach
18	Rusty Kuntz	First Base Coach
14	Eddie Rodriguez	Third Base Coach
15	Chino Cadahia	Bench Coach
57	Doug Henry	Bullpen Coach
	Pedro Grifol	Special Assistant

Angels

#	Name	Position
14	Mike Scioscia	Manager
80	Jim Eppard	Batting Coach
23	Mike Butcher	Pitching Coach
4	Alfredo Griffin	First Base Coach
21	Dino Ebel	Third Base Coach
9	Rob Picciolo	Bench Coach
	Bobby Knoop	Infield Coach
61	Steve Soliz	Bullpen Coach
70	Tom Gregorio	Bullpen Catcher
	Bill Lachemann	Catching Coach

Twins

#	Name	Position
35	Ron Gardenhire	Manager
23	Tom Brunansky	Hitting Coach
40	Rick Anderson	Pitching Coach
45	Scott Ullger	First Base Coach
46	Joe Vavra	Third Base Coach
36	Terry Steinbach	Bench/Catching Coach
18	Bobby Cuellar	Bullpen Coach
75	Nate Dammann	Bullpen Catcher

Yankees

#	Name	Position
28	Joe Girardi	Manager
54	Kevin Long	Batting Coach
58	Larry Rothschild	Pitching Coach
50	Mick Kelleher	First Base Coach
59	Rob Thomson	Third Base Coach
56	Tony Pena	Bench Coach
57	Mike Harkey	Bullpen Coach
88	Roman Rodriguez	Bullpen Catcher

A's

#	Name	Position
6	Bob Melvin	Manager
30	Chili Davis	Hitting Coach
41	Curt Young	Pitching Coach
46	Tye Waller	First Base Coach
2	Mike Gallego	Third Base Coach
14	Chip Hale	Bench Coach
51	Darren Bush	Bullpen Coach
59	Ariel Prieto	Coach

Mariners

#	Name	Position
22	Eric Wedge	Manager
25	Dave Hansen	Batting Coach
48	Carl Willis	Pitching Coach
29	Mike Brumley	First Base Coach
43	Jeff Datz	Third Base Coach
6	Robby Thompson	Bench Coach
47	Jaime Navarro	Bullpen Coach
62	Jason Phillips	Bullpen Catcher
52	Daren Brown	Coach

Rays

#	Name	Position
70	Joe Maddon	Manager
17	Derek Shelton	Batting Coach
48	Jim Hickey	Pitching Coach
25	George Hendrick	First Base Coach
6	Tom Foley	Third Base Coach
4	Dave Martinez	Bench Coach
46	Stan Boroski	Bullpen Coach
44	Jamie Nelson	Major League Coach
77	Scott Cursi	Bullpen Catcher
65	Don Zimmer	Coach
	Rocco Baldelli	Special Assistant

Rangers

#	Name	Position
38	Ron Washington	Manager
14	Dave Magadan	Batting Coach
31	Mike Maddux	Pitching Coach
16	Dave Anderson	First Base Coach
24	Gary Pettis	Third Base Coach
4	Jackie Moore	Bench Coach
40	Andy Hawkins	Bullpen Coach
66	Josh Frasier	Bullpen Catcher
	Tony Fernandez	Special Assistant
	Greg Maddux	Special Assistant

Blue Jays

#	Name	Position
5	John Gibbons	Manager
39	Chad Mottola	Hitting Coach
40	Pete Walker	Pitching Coach
25	Dwayne Murphy	First Base Coach
2	Luis Rivera	Third Base Coach
20	DeMarlo Hale	Bench Coach
41	Pat Hentgen	Bullpen Coach
61	Alex Andreopoulos	Bullpen Catcher

Diamondbacks

#	Name	Position
23	Kirk Gibson	Manager
25	Don Baylor	Batting Coach
15	Turner Ward	Assistant Hitting Coach
50	Charles Nagy	Pitching Coach
5	Steve Sax	First Base Coach
9	Matt Williams	Third Base Coach
3	Alan Trammell	Bench Coach
53	Glenn Sherlock	Bullpen Coach
82	Jeff Motuzas	Bullpen Catcher

Braves

#	Name	Position
33	Fredi Gonzalez	Manager
27	Greg Walker	Batting Coach
61	Scott Fletcher	Assistant Hitting Coach
45	Roger McDowell	Pitching Coach
9	Terry Pendleton	First Base Coach
51	Brian Snitker	Third Base Coach
18	Carlos Tosca	Bench Coach
12	Eddie Perez	Bullpen Coach
55	Alan Butts	Bullpen Catcher
	Lee Elia	Special Assistant

Cubs

#	Name	Position
4	Dale Sveum	Manager
38	James Rowson	Hitting Coach
45	Rob Deer	Assistant Hitting Coach
25	Chris Bosio	Pitching Coach
39	Dave McKay	First Base Coach
3	David Bell	Third Base Coach
5	Jamie Quirk	Bench Coach
35	Lester Strode	Bullpen Coach
95	Andrew Lane	Bullpen Catcher

Reds

#	Name	Position
12	Dusty Baker	Manager
49	Brook Jacoby	Batting Coach
62	Ronnie Ortegon	Assistant Hitting Coach
38	Bryan Price	Pitching Coach
57	Mack Jenkins	Assistant Pitching Coach
22	Billy Hatcher	First Base Coach
41	Mark Berry	Third Base Coach
35	Chris Speier	Bench Coach
59	Juan Lopez	Bullpen Coach
72	Mike Stefanski	Bullpen Catcher

Rockies

#	Name	Position
22	Walt Weiss	Manager
10	Dante Bichette	Hitting Coach
52	Jim Wright	Pitching Coach
40	Bo McLaughlin	Assistant Pitching Coach
38	Rene Lachemann	First Base Coach
39	Stu Cole	Third Base Coach
11	Tom Runnells	Bench Coach
58	Jerry Weinstein	Catching Coach
9	Vinny Castilla	Special Assistant

Dodgers

#	Name	Position
8	Don Mattingly	Manager
12	Mark McGwire	Batting Coach
52	John Valentin	Assistant Hitting Coach
40	Rick Honeycutt	Pitching Coach
43	Ken Howell	Assistant Pitching Coach
15	Davey Lopes	First Base Coach
26	Tim Wallach	Third Base Coach
45	Trey Hillman	Bench Coach
50	Chuck Crim	Bullpen Coach
85	Rob Flippo	Bullpen Catcher
86	Fumi Ishibashi	Bullpen Catcher
11	Manny Mota	Coach
7	Steve Yeager	Catching Coach
	Sandy Koufax	Special Advisor

Marlins

#	Name	Position
11	Mike Redmond	Manager
10	Tino Martinez	Hitting Coach
55	Chuck Hernandez	Pitching Coach
7	Perry Hill	First Base Coach
4	Joe Espada	Third Base Coach
41	Rob Leary	Bench Coach
38	Reid Cornelius	Bullpen Coach
75	Jeff Urgelles	Bullpen Coordinator

Brewers

#	Name	Position
10	Ron Roenicke	Manager
13	Johnny Narron	Hitting Coach
39	Rick Kranitz	Pitching Coach
35	Garth Iorg	First Base Coach
6	Ed Sedar	Third Base Coach
36	Jerry Narron	Bench Coach
43	Lee Tunnell	Bullpen Coach
55	Marcus Hanel	Bullpen Catcher
33	John Shelby	Coach

Mets

#	Name	Position
10	Terry Collins	Manager
51	Dave Hudgens	Batting Coach
59	Dan Warthen	Pitching Coach
26	Tom Goodwin	First Base Coach
18	Tim Teufel	Third Base Coach
7	Bob Geren	Bench Coach
25	Ricky Bones	Bullpen Coach
78	Eric Langill	Bullpen Catcher
54	Dave Racaniello	Bullpen Catcher

Phillies

#	Name	Position
41	Charlie Manuel	Manager
5	Steve Henderson	Hitting Coach
21	Wally Joyner	Assistant Hitting Coach
30	Rich Dubee	Pitching Coach
8	Juan Samuel	First Base Coach
23	Ryne Sandberg	Third Base Coach
54	Rod Nichols	Bullpen Coach
81	Jesus Tiamo	Bullpen Catcher
17	Mick Billmeyer	Catching Coach

Pirates

#	Name	Position
13	Clint Hurdle	Manager
3	Jay Bell	Hitting Coach
54	Ray Searage	Pitching Coach
41	Rick Sofield	First Base Coach
16	Nick Leyva	Third Base Coach
28	Jeff Banister	Bench Coach
56	Euclides Rojas	Bullpen Coach
86	Heberto Andrade	Bullpen Catcher
87	Jeff Branson	Coach
85	Dave Jauss	Coach

Padres

#	Name	Position
20	Bud Black	Manager
28	Phil Plantier	Hitting Coach
32	Alonzo Powell	Assistant Hitting Coach
36	Darren Balsley	Pitching Coach
10	Dave Roberts	First Base Coach
30	Glenn Hoffman	Third Base Coach
17	Rick Renteria	Bench Coach
47	Willie Blair	Bullpen Coach
81	Griffin Benedict	Bullpen Catcher
80	Justin Hatcher	Bullpen Catcher

Giants

#	Name	Position
15	Bruce Bochy	Manager
31	Hensley Meulens	Batting Coach
5	Joe Lefebvre	Assistant Hitting Coach
33	Dave Righetti	Pitching Coach
39	Roberto Kelly	First Base Coach
1	Tim Flannery	Third Base Coach
17	Ron Wotus	Bench Coach
26	Mark Gardner	Bullpen Coach
58	Bill Hayes	Bullpen Catcher
	Joey Amalfitano	Special Assistant
	Jim Davenport	Special Assistant
	J.T. Snow

Cardinals

#	Name	Position
22	Mike Matheny	Manager
47	John Mabry	Hitting Coach
18	Bengie Molina	Assistant Hitting Coach
27	Derek Lilliquist	Pitching Coach
37	Chris Maloney	First Base Coach
11	Jose Oquendo	Third Base Coach
28	Mike Aldrete	Bench Coach
49	Blaise Ilsley	Bullpen Coach
39	Jamie Pogue	Bullpen Catcher
	Gaylen Pitts

Nationals

#	Name	Position
5	Davey Johnson	Manager
4	Rick Eckstein	Batting Coach
54	Steve McCatty	Pitching Coach
32	Tony Tarasco	First Base Coach
44	Trent Jewett	Third Base Coach
53	Randy Knorr	Bench Coach
9	Jim Lett	Bullpen Coach