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Tuesday, Chiefs coach Andy Reid said of his quarterback:
#Chiefs coach Andy Reid on the intelligence of new QB Alex Smith: "He doesn’t run out of gigabytes."
— Bill Williamson (@BWilliamsonESPN) August 13, 2013
Talk about Reid-only memory, huh, you guys? You see, Andy Reid sees quarterbacks in terms of turn-of-the-millennium computer hardware, and so do I. Here is my scouting report on the rest of the quarterbacks of the NFL:
Aaron Rodgers: Beige PC tower with an LED readout on the front that reads "99999999999 mHz"
Peyton Manning: Same as Rodgers, but the readout says "BEIGE"
Drew Brees: Joystick that twists, rotates and points in a million different ways, and will be perfect if they ever make a flight simulator that makes you fly through the dimensions of time, space, space-time, time-height, light-width, time-light, angst, and quantum angst-color
Matt Ryan: CD-ROM drive that comes with its own jewel case, which you have to take out of the drive, feed a CD, and stick back in
Cam Newton: VGA monitor with a dial that lets you adjust the skew and bend of the display, which nobody in the world would ever have any reason to do
Matt Stafford: Microsoft ergonomic keyboard that's bent in the middle and doesn't make you look like a dorkwad at all
Robert Griffin III: TI GraphLink, which lets you download games from the Internet and put them on your TI-83, holy shit, never paying attention in class for the rest of your life
Andrew Luck: A computer with a CD-ROM, 3.5-inch drive, and 5.25-inch drive, which you won't stop calling "The Triple Threat"
Colin Kaepernick: Korn mousepad
Tom Brady: Iomega Zip Drive with lightning bolts puff-painted on the outside
Tony Romo: Replacement power cord that comes with its own install disk
Russell Wilson: Keyboard with its own "e-mail" key, designated by a helpful envelope icon
Eli Manning: Trackpad for a desktop computer that you have to wear a special glove to operate
Sam Bradford: A disk labeled WEAPON WARZ: THE GAME, sold in a Ziploc bag, that you bought from the drug store
Philip Rivers: The little drive door hinge thing on 5.25-inch disk drive, which is nice, because that way other floppy disks know that the drive is occupied
Andy Dalton: Infrared wireless mouse that still has to be plugged to a "Power Pak" a foot away that houses 14 D batteries
Jay Cutler: The little cardboard anti-counterfeit wheel that will let you play Kid Pix
Matt Schaub: Beige mouse, shaped like a perfect rectangle, that is metallic and cold to the touch and rings a little bell when you click the button
Joe Flacco: Some rocks
Ryan Tannehill: 40-foot phone cord that is plugged into your modem and runs taut to the phone jack on the other end of the house, because the bozos who built this house didn't count on you, hotshot
Josh Freeman: Hewlett-Packard that crashes five minutes into every game of Half-Life, but at least you get to walk around the train car in the beginning and hear cool announcements about the Black Mesa facility
Michael Vick: Wireless keyboard, which you end up using two feet away from the computer anyway, and can't use without thinking about how happy the turtlenecked people looked on the box
Kevin Kolb: Upright Gateway computer tower that you're still turning sideways and stacking the monitor on top of, because 1991 never really ended for you
Jake Locker: External sound device that looks like an answering machine and only works with King's Quest IV
Blaine Gabbert: CueCat