A summary of outright lies you need to know about Jeff Tuel

Jeff Tuel has been named the Buffalo Bills' starting quarterback for Week 1. You have no idea who Jeff Tuel is. Let's catch you up.

By Jon Bois Aug 26, 2013, 1:30pm EDT

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

1. "Tuel" is not pronounced as "tool." It is pronounced by dumping a wheelbarrow full of potatoes into a well.

2. Jeff Tuel's favorite team-building exercise, which he calls "bulk rage," is just him going to Costco by himself.

3. Jeff Tuel grew up in Middle Victoria, the little-discussed 51st state of the Union. It borders Nevada and Idaho, and its economy permits tuba-playing as currency.

4. Jeff Tuel does his laundry by boiling it. That is why he no longer wears plastic shirts.

5. Jeff Tuel can draw reasonably perfect circles. A Perfect Circle is a Tool spinoff band. Tool is unrelated to Tuel.

6. Jeff Tuel performed reasonably well on the Wonderlic, but the scoring machines had some difficulty grading it because he insisted on writing, "Well, wouldn't you know it:" in the margins above each answer.

7. At a few different points in your childhood, you briefly made friends with a kid whom you saw once in your life, and never again. On one occasion you met at a mutual friend's house; on another, at a junior high school he attended for one day before moving out of state. All of those kids were actually Jeff Tuel. No, really, they're standing on each other's shoulders beneath a giant trenchcoat.

8. There's one particular episode of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon in which Raphael, strangely and for no apparent reason, has a thick Brooklyn accent. Jeff Tuel pawned all his possessions to purchase the one surviving copy, and then he burned it.

9. Jeff Tuel is a remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, remarkable, 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