Browsing the sports section of SkyMall

If you're a longtime fan of Progressive Boink, you may know that I have a long and storied history perusing the in-flight catalog known as SkyMall. You may also know that, during Flapjackalypse (or #Panquake, if you prefer), I promised that if we raised a certain amount of money, I would once again journey into the pages (be they web or print) of SkyMall. Here we go.

If you're looking for sporting goods, you may stop by Big 5, or Sports Authority, or Dick's, or perhaps the websites for those stores. Heck, you might just do all your sporting-goods shopping at Amazon. Or maybe you're the type of person who requires nails for bending and you prefer to go directly through the manufacturer. It's a whole wide world of sports and sports accessories out there!

But did you know that there is yet another option? That's right; we're talking about the wonderful, colorful world of SkyMall! You may know SkyMall from being on a plane and suddenly realizing you forgot to bring anything to read. Dang ittttttt. But we're here to let you know that SkyMall is online and you can purchase any number of sporting goods, accessories and collectables right through their handy website!

Let's take a look at some of the most interesting and intriguing sports-related items that SkyMall currently has on offer, shall we?

(All photos are via SkyMall.com)

Nuclear Globe, $399.99

HELP I AM TRAPPED IN A LITERAL NIGHTMARE HELP

I AM ATTEMPTING TO TURN TOWARD YOU I AM TRYING NOT TO PANIC HANG ON

THERE IS A LOT OF WATER GETTING INTO THIS ENORMOUS HOLE HERE STAND BY

GLUB GLUB GLUB

From the product description:

Have a blast in the Nuclear Globe and walk across the water!

Or crawl, or fearfully scramble, or whatever. Oh, "have a blast." "Nuclear." Got it. Because you named your product after something that could destroy all life. WAAAAAACKY POOL TIMES

The unique cup-like construction on the outer surface grips and paddles through the water as you spin the globe. The Nuclear Globe features 2 entry/exit portholes. Molded handles on the interior and exterior allow for easy entries and exits.

Okay, sure.

Tying the "ultimate inflatable ball" to pool ladders, docks, or boats is easy with the integrated molded rope holder.

Wait, what? "TIE IT TO A BOAT"? "Got a friend you want to snuff out? Lure them into the Nuclear Globe and bury them at sea."

Only to be used by 1 person at a time.

You're no fun any more, Nuclear Globe.

Evertone Buttock Lifter Women, $99.99

the hell am i looking at here

Want a sexy butt?

Man, you know I want a sexy butt, product description! Quit jerking me around here!

Now you can:

Tone
Firm
Tighten
Strengthen

your thighs and bottom!

I'm listening.

FDA-Cleared Electronic Pulsing and Toning Technology

Butt & Thigh Lifting Kit Turns a Flat & Saggy Rear End Into a Round, Firm, "Prestige" Derriere

how

Beautyko Evertone Bottom toning system FDA-approved electronic pulsing and toning technology for women to lift, shape and firm their butt and thighs to creating a new, beautiful and stylish look.

Women only? Buuuuuunk.

EMS is clinically proven to work and bring results in just a few weeks. Give your entire rear end a perfect concentrated butt workout

your ENTIRE rear end

stimulating all the nerves

all of them

in the target rear end area

Wait, I thought it was for your entire rear end. I can't make heads or ... tails of this.

making them contract and relax to give you a sexy shapely butt.

well which is it sexy or shapely

The cordless Beautyko Evertone, will do the work for you while you while you watch TV or relax. EMS has shown positive results to improve and sculpt not only your butt, but also your thighs.

Just throwing in thighs as an afterthought, smh. Thighs: always the bridesmaid.

Fits waists measuring 40 to 48 inches.

Sorry, women whose waists are below 40 inches or above 48 inches! We've micro-targeted this product to a very specific parameter of individuals!

Swim Parachute - Navy 12", $24.99

This is actually a very handy training device for swimmers. It's also a very inexpensive way to put your mind at ease if you have to take your cat on a plane at some point. Don't worry, Professor Whiskerface! If this baby goes into a tailspin you'll gliding through the air as graceful as the birds you love to devour!

Singing Gondolier, $39.95

This is in the "Pool" section so I'm counting it. Shut up.

Bring a bit of Venice to your pool or pond.

What if you have both a pool AND a pond? (See? Sports!)

Standing upright in his gondola, wearing traditional attire, our little gondolier sings three authentic Italian songs as the motorized boat moves through the water.

Annoy everyone in your neighborhood! Literally everyone.

You might call him Luciano Poolvarotti or Splashido Domingo.

NOPE

...

By which I mean it's "Andrea Poolcelli" or nothing for me.

ATIS 1000 AB Inversion System, $329.00/ATIS 4500 AB Inversion System, $429.00

This is the ATIS 1000:

And this is the ATIS 4500:

So on the surface, this seems like a fantastic deal! Only $100 extra for an entire 3,500 bonus ATIS? (ATII?) Why, you'd be an idiot NOT to spend the money! But hang on, let's see if the product descriptions can shed any light on the key differences between what appears on the surface to be a torture rack and a slightly more padded torture rack.

Ironman ATIS 1000 AB Inversion System

The ATIS 1000 AB Training System provides the additional benefit of AB training while inverting. By including AB and CORE training to the inverting position, it will isolate the abdominal muscles more effectively than bench training. At the same time inverting will provide effective back stretching and relaxation. The AB Training System expands the use of inversion tables and provides an additional dimension to inverting by using 10 different locking angles of inversion. The ATIS 1000 can be locked for safely mounting and dismounting as well.

It CAN be locked for safe mounting and dismounting! Good to know that is an option.

Ironman ATIS 4500 AB Inversion System

The ATIS 4500 AB Training System provides the additional benefit of AB training while inverting. By including AB and CORE training to the inverting position, it will isolate the abdominal muscles more effectively than bench training. At the same time inverting will provide effective back stretching and relaxation. The AB Training System expands the use of inversion tables and provides an additional dimension to inverting by using 10 different locking angles of inversion. The ATIS 4500 can be locked for safely mounting and dismounting as well.

Those are ... those are the same description. You just changed the number. This is literally the entire amount of information available for either product. Still though ... 3500 more whatever-it-is for just an extra $100? Slightly comfier torture rack it is!

Core-Fit Exercise Ball, $74.99

First of all, "Core-Fit"? LOL, okay. I would have gone with "Not At All Affiliated With That Other Fitness Company Brand Exercise Ball" but to each their own.

Secondly,

Not a ball. Even by the loosest and most generous definition, I hesitate to understand how you can call this a "ball."

A hybrid of a kettlebell and medicine ball,

not even a little

Core-fit provides a simple, effective and efficient full body core based workout for fat burning and body toning in 30 minutes or less. Build lean muscle, improve flexibility, balance and strength.

Apparently, you fill this device with water and swing it all about, as depicted by the lady working out on a cliff and pretending like she's one of the sound people on the sidelines of an NFL game. It says this is "perfect for people on the go" because I can't imagine anything simpler than packing something the size of a car's steering column. Maybe you can put your toiletries in the middle. Hey! This thing has TWO uses!

StreetStrider Summit 8r, $2,099.00

8r i hardly knewr

So here's the thing: riding a bicycle is one of the most fun things you can do. It's usually easy, it's more-or-less comfortable, you generally don't look like a doofus doing it and it's often extremely convenient.

Now take all that away and you have this.

The Summit 8r features the Shimano Nexus 8-speed transmission, and with the twist grip shifter, you can easily select the most comfortable gear wherever you stride. You can even climb the steepest hills. The 90 mm dual front drum brakes and rear caliper brake provide exceptional stopping power. The frame is constructed with aircraft grade aluminum and is incredibly strong, supporting riders up to 400 pounds.

So it's like a bike, but lousier. You can't even sit down! I live in Los Angeles, where drivers get EXTREMELY ANGRY when there's a bike in the road. If someone was tooling around on one of these things, I think people would pull over just to beat them up.

Use the Summit 8r Indoors with the Indoor Package (sold separately as an accessory item on this page)

Okay, well now I'm listening again. You mean to tell me that for the cost of an elliptical, plus a few hundred bucks extra, I can have an indoor-outdoor elliptical? Wait, I already have an outdoor elliptical: MY LEGS.

But it's available in Breakwater Blue, Galaxy Black, or Solar Yellow!

lol "breakwater"

Large Super Skate Sail, $49.99

Hey.

Hey buddy.

You might go faster if you weren't on the grass.

Hey.

Just a heads up.

Use with all skates, snowboards and skateboards to speed your way to fun, exercise and fitness!

So "holding something" is exercise and fitness now? Making a note to myself to start my new workout regimen of "reading while riding a Segway."

A great new way to get both adults and kids outside and moving if they're sitting around the TV too much!

With luck, maybe your unwanted, good-for-nothing sedentary family members will just be caught in an updraft and fly away!

Most-commonly heard expression by people using the Large Super Skate Sail? "HOW DO I STOP THISSSSSSS"

Arm Exercise Weights - Set of 2, $29.99

Oh man, I just found the last thing I needed for my Scarlet Spider costume. Look out, 2014 San Diego Comic-Con!

Ballpark Classic Baseball Game, $199.99

And now, a picture of a child and father about to shoot another child with a poorly-concealed cannon. Seriously, look at the size of the "bat" to the gauge of the cylinder that is ostensibly going to propel a "baseball" toward it. Hours of MURDER MOST FOUL for the whole family!

I encourage you to enlarge this photo. Look at that machine of death. Look at the kid's hand on the trigger. Then look at the expression of the kid that is about to shoot the living bejesus out of the other kid. LOOK AT THE DAD. Somewhere there's a district attorney frantically looking for this photo and a cackling defense attorney who is cackling because he sold said photo to Shutterstock.

NCAA Forest Face, $22.99

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

THE BUCKEYES HAVE GAINED SENTIENCE. THEY KNOW WHAT WE'VE DONE. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.

(Ed. Note: It's actually an Oklahoma Sooners logo, but whatever.)

Man Cave Rules - Framed, $49.99

This 11" x 14" framed piece details the rules that every fan wants you to know but may be too timid to actually tell you!

Okay, two things here:

1. If you're hanging up an 11" x 14" frame MAN CAVE RULES poster, odds are super good that you're not "too timid" to tell people what the "man cave" rules are.

2. Is it really necessary for the product description to insult your masculinity? You're already looking at an item called "Man Cave Rules."

The third thing, of course, is that the idea of a "Man Cave" is basically the worst and most cringe-inducing thing ever. It's like no one understood that Tim's "Tool Time" creations on Home Improvement were satire. Who doesn't understand satire, I ask you?

Anyway, these rules are obviously the worst. "PEACH IS NOT A COLOR, IT'S A FRUIT." It actually is both! Weird! Are you trying to disavow the existence of an entire color? That's so weird! Why would you do that? That doesn't make sense! Also, why would that be a "rule" of the "man cave"? WHY DO YOU NEED THAT RULE? Whoever wrote these rules was clacking away furiously at the word processor, gritting his teeth, muttering over and over again, "I SWEAR TO CHRIST IF JIMMY SHOWS UP TO THE BIG GAME WEARING HIS RICKIE FOWLER POLO ONE MORE TIME."

Looking over this litany of directives, it seems like an awful lot of them are directed at people who probably aren't spending a lot of time in your "man cave" anyway. This could just as easily have the heading "I AM BEING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE." Maybe you are too timid. My bad, product description! Keep on keeping on!

And the last rule is "REMEMBER! MY CAVE, MY RULES." Good thing you put that on the rules, then. And framed them. Otherwise, people might just disregard this as a dumb piece of paper with a piece of clip art and whatever fonts came up on a freefonts dot com search for "MAN."

Well, now that that's behind us, let's just agree that there should never be any other products having to do with demarcating an area as a "man cave."

Team Man Cave Sign - NCAA, $59.99

oh for the love of

Well if this isn't man-cavey enough, you can get a team MAN CAVE sign with MLB teams, with NBA teams, with NHL teams, with NFL teams, WITH GENERAL MOTORS LOGOS, or just a personalized, handpainted wooden sign that tells everyone this is ROBERT'S MAN CAVE. You know, in case guests happen to find this room in Robert's house and Robert is sick of people constantly asking him, "Say, Robert, this isn't YOUR man cave, is it?" Problem solved! Robert can now feel free to point to this sign and intone, "CAN'T YOU READ?"

NBA Neon Clock, $89.99

Hopefully if you act now, you can still get stock that includes the Bobcats and the soon-to-be-deeply-mourned Raptors. But if that doesn't make you part with your hard-earned $90, consider this: if you hang up this clock in your home or office, you can feel free to tell people, "It's half-past the Blazers and a quarter to the Jazz." Well, I mean if they ask. And it's not already Bucks-fifteen.

Wait, is that how you tell time on this? Or would you say, "It's Rockets-after-Knicks o'clock! I'm late for lunch!"

On second thought, let's just say that all the time, always.