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If God played football he'd play in Texas: The ultimate fan's journey to football heaven

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SB Nation sent internet celebrity and blue collar NFL fan PFT Commenter on a wonderful trip to the Lone Star State, where he learned all about how they play high school, college, and professional football

All spelling errors are intentional (we think). - Ed.

They say "every things bigger in Texas" well I guess that would explain why all my exes moved there!!!!"

-PFT Commenter

Texas and football go together like boots and spurs, like guns and oil folks. I wanted to make the trip to football mecca to learn what makes this state think that its better then every one else at a game that they havent won since Bill Clinton was President. I wanted to get the holistic view of football in this great state down from the Friday Night Lights of High School, the Saturday daydrinking of college, all the way to the Sunday Night Blackouts of the NFL no offense to Jay Ratliff.

So I packed up my lunchpail and thumbed a ride on down to the Lone Star State during the most Texas NFL weekend of them all when "the Texans were playing with the Cowboys" which is coincidently the DISH Network plot synopsis for Brokeback Mountain folks!!!!

Friday Night Lights

The first thing you want to do in Texas is watch a High School football game. I wish I could of played football in Texas growing up because they give it the respect it right fully deserves here and I would of been quite a bit cooler in High school if that is even possible. In Texas you get to take "Football " as a class in high school in addition to PE. Im dead serous. "Football" counts toward your GPA. Instead of filling up your schedule taking meaningless subjects like biology or dinosaurs, you just get to practice playing football during school. A scout teamer in Texas is basicaly a minor celebrity in that town from what I assume.

I caught a game in Austin TX that was between Austin High school and Akins. Austins mascot is Mr. Maroon which looks like something they tore off the corner of Mike Vicks mouth:

There was one scout teamer on Austin whose job it was to literaly walk around the sidelines with a sledgehammer for the entire game to show how working class his team was, but then he put it down in the 4th quarter and got cocky-well the other team scored literally 34 unanswered points to allmost come back, but then ol number 50 grabbed that dang sledgehammer and Austin held off 47-41.

One thing I dont like about HS football in Texas is that they baby them to much. Theyve got electronic playclocks and big stadums and helmets that fit. High School football is about learning how to be tough and deal with the adversity that goes a long with having all the girls you like have crushes on your teammates, and then pretending to be friends with the same teamate whose freak dancing with that girl you like. Thats what I did and I turned out just fine.

Anyways I started to cry for some reason during the 4th quarter remembering all these memories so I decided I would head on over to a place that is sysnonymous with Friday Night Lights. Thats right- "The Landing Strip" gentlemens club.

varsityblus

You may recognize "The Landing Strip" as the fine establishment from "Varsity Blues" that Johnny Moxon and Billy Bob and there friend went to the night before a big game and saw the teacher stripping. I figured Id give it a shot but and enjoyed myself for a minute but then I went to the bathroom and there was someone up in the ceiling who was sneakily moving the celing tile above the urinal so I left. Im not sure what shenanigans are going on there but if your recording me while Im peeing it had better be on Art Modells grave.

Saturday College Football

So Austins a strange city and I didnt really want to spend much more time there after the Landing Strip incident but I wanted to daydrink on Saturday and find out if Texas College football is all its cracked up to be. But before I got too drunk I wanted to drive for 2 hours to make sure to stop by a real football town= Waco. I drove up to Baylors stadium just so I could shake my head in person at RG3s statue and even I have to admit how realistic and lifelike it was:

rg3

Let me just say  I had a great time drinking beer and getting drunk in lib-commie dreamland Austin. However for a state that all about barbeque I have to give tehre tailgates a big "wheres the beef?" The parking lot's are filled with ridiculous steamers like this...

smoker

and the only food they cook is literally greasy sausages. In a state thats famous for overkill this literally takes the cake. Then they hand you a tortilla and a bottle of catsup. Its a hotdog sandwich for people who are to lazy to tear hot dog buns apart. You talk about a sausage party folks.

On the other side of the coin Im a big fan of Texas women and they would probly be a big fan of me if they just got to know me more. Gameday atire for the ladys includes a short short skirt and cowboy boots, and that looks agrees with me very much. I brought my bootflask and tryed to get women to pass it around with me, but they made fun of my brand new cowboy hat and told me I was "all hat no cattle," so I fired back: "Your one to talk with that tiny skirt,, your all boots& no bible." Which was a pretty solid neg you have to admit.

My NFL Dallas Adventure

When I arrived in Dallas every one had Ebola fever! Im not kidding its all they were talking about folks. I figured that if I were going to land in a hot zone I should probably lay low and try to avoid crowds of sweaty people so I booked a ticket for the legendary Texas State Fair.

bigtex

If your not familiar with the Texas State Fair its basicaly like if Candyland and the Oregon trail had sex in a deep fryer. When you walk in your greeted by a big statue they call "Big Tex" hes like a 50 foot tall Cowboy with exactly as many Super Bowl titles as Tony Romo. In fact the only difference between Big Tex and Romo is that the fake Cowboy wasnt known for melting down until 2013 folks!!!

I moseyed (Texas term for walking and spitting) around the fairgrounds to try and sample all the fried food that I could. In the passed, the vendors have deep fried butter, cola, and beer, or basicaly whats known as the Houston food pyramid.

Now I want to be clear here- your all welcome to share these pictures with others but I must insist that Darren Rovell not be allowed to redistribute them. These are Some Rights Reserved,, only you cant touch them Darren.

In order of top 2 bottom left 2 right: Deep Fry Chocolate Chip Burrito with cookie dough, Deep Fry biscuits and gravy, Deep Fry Pork ribs, Deep Fry Reeses, Deep Fry Milk and Cookeys, and I also ate something called a Kool Aid pickle which to me look like Lorena Bobbit suprise folks:

fried

After my meal I checked out the animal freakshow tent which is a exhibit with two headed turtles and stuff which were obvously just two turtles jammed together in a single shell that they hate sharing almost like Bill Callahan and Rod Marinelli.

There was also a NFL foot ball accuracy game hosted by a real lunchpail grinder type worker who I had to wake up. The idea was that you try and throw a Football through a Gloryhole and win a stuff animal. But the hole was too small (I'll take statements youll never hear my ex-wife make for 400 Alex),, so after I lost the game I made a good joke that everyone enjoyed about how "I thought this was the Fair- not the Unfair" we all really laughed at that one. If theres one thing Ive learned in my travels its that every one enjoys a real rib tickler no matter how mad they pretend to be afterwards when Im trying to steal the carnival prize.

I arrived just in time to see the NFL draft of the Texas state fair, the cattle auction. They brought out at leased a dozen cows to be sold and they literaly all went for $4,000 because Texas is smart and put in a rookie wage scale for its cows. The auctoneer was a real pro and you have to admit it would be awesome if the NFL draft were switched to a aucton and Roger Goodell got up there with a gavel and let Dan Snyder and the Ouiji board in the Raiders war room trip all over themselfs to draft Jameis Winston for a billion dollars.

But I wasnt just there to drink beers and eat batter,, I was on a busness trip.

Next stop- tour of AT&T stadium, home of the Cowboys.

Do you know why they call it AT&T stadium? Its because they havent had a good carrier in 15 years, they charge way too much, and no one ever gets receptions.

cowboys

This place cost 1.2 Billion dollars to build so its really should be called the Loan Star Stadium In My Opinion. In case you didnt know, I just call it stadium "Jonestown" because the guys who runs the show is only there for prophet and being there makes me want to kill myself.

The first thing you see when you arrive at Jonestown is literaly a $2 million dollar mirror in the front. It was puzzling because its not like the Dallas Cowboys are one giant metaphor for spending alot of money on something flashy to try and project a good image without actualy changing the substance behind it or anything.

I noticed right away that there were 3 very nice buddhist monks also taking the tour (they were probably nice, I dont know I guess I was just being a little racist by assuming they were good people).

monks

I wasnt suprised at all to see them there because as anyone whose ever been in AT&T stadium on a big third down will tell you when the Cowboys are on defense, most of the people in the crowd seem to of taken a vow of silence.

First thing they do on the tour is show you the different playing fields that are stored in the basement of the arena. Theres one set that they use for college games, one for NFL and a third mat of synthetic grass that they keep rolled up for Dez Bryant to smoke or something I guess. Heres a fun fact,, in todays era of Ebola and MRSA the Dallas Cowboys never clean there playing field. They just change it out every 4 years when it gets to dirty to do the job like we should of done with Obama IMO.

grass

Next we went into the Cowboys locker room where I made a startling discovery: They use shower curtains folks. I guess the PC police have finaly won because now us men cant enjoy the pleasures of heterosexal meatpeeping in a open air shower anymore.

The tour guide told us each locker cost $9,000 so would I please stop standing on them. I was hoping to find some Andro or viagra like that baseball reporter did to Mark McGwire but they clean them out pretty good. In fact, the Sean Lee one looked almost like it hadnt even been used in years!!!

romo

Now I dont play guitar but I like to carry around afew picks with me just so I can casually drop them as I reach into my wallet around chicks. When I saw Romos locker I knew what had to be done and I left about fistful of picks on there just to give him seomthing to think about. He'll probly think Cole Beasley did it as a prank and theyll share a laugh.

The tour was suppose to take us into the practice squad locker room too but our tour guide woudnt let us go in. Now alot of people might not know this but Michael Sam is on the practice team. I personally didnt care whether or not we went in there, but when I learned we would be skipping it I demenaded a refund and a explanation and a complimentary hot dog, not that I cared. I had brought along a extra memory card just to fill up with photos of Sams locker and like where he sits and stuff but it wasnt really that big of a deal to me that we missed it.

I just call it stadium "Jonestown" because the guys who runs the show is only there for prophet and being there makes me want to kill myself.

Also, about this time I was approximatley 2 hours removed from downing 5 plates of fried food and needed to excuse myself so I found the restroom and "used the facilitys" deep in the heart of ATT stadium.

When I got back the tour guide says with a smile "next up, were going to the Cheerleaders locker room!" Like all the guys with me in the tour started making the wolf sound from the cartoons where he falls in love with Betty Boop and slapping are thighs and all the ladys on the tour just kind've smiled that "there you go again you rascal" smile at us guys who were about ready to hump a drywall hammer if given the chance.

Much to everyones disappointment there was no naked girls for us to stare at in the Cheerleader locker room. The tour guide ripped off about 40 facts about the squad and kept calling them all "girls" which was cool even though most of them were in there late 20s or 30s. I asked how much they got paid and he said "were not aloud to discuss that for privacy reasons" he said while we were literally standing in their locker room.

cheer

Next up we went to the press box that had a dual kegerator, catering room and soda fountain. The AT&T press area can fit 300 reporters or 500 normal humans.

At the end of the tour they asked us if we had any questons so I said "If Texas is so fond of killing its people with the lowest IQs maybe you could tell me how come Jerry Jones is still around folks!" and we all shared a good laugh.

Im just kidding of course, Jerry has had alot of success 20 years ago.

The Cowboys were playing the Texans and really the game was a afterthought. Its tough to formulate a real rivalry when the entire state just roots for whoever has the best record anyway. Tony Romo played well, so that was a disappointment and then he went on to blame the fans for being too noisy when he was trying to direct the offense. Romo shows just how little he knows about history on this one and he makes himself look a bit Hitlerish- do you remember who else had to be quiet in there own house? Thats right- Ann Frank.

All in all Texas cares way more about football then they should given how good they are at it. Its like if Arizona took pride in its fishing or Lousiana took pride in its general system of goverment. The only thing Texas has going for it is that there high school football players are treated like gods, there college girls have legs out to next week, and all they do is eat fried food and drink beers. Honestly its the perfect place to live as long as you dont mind dying or getting thrown in jail by the age of 35. But I had a great time apprecating all the state has to offer the dieheart football fan like myself. So until next time Texas,,adios. Y'all come back real soon now!!!.