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This Week In Schadenfreude: Iowa football is a time for other things

Like chores, or spending cherished moments with loved ones, or putting your belongings into an empty swimming pool and lighting them on fire.

Our days of spleen and roses are slowly coming to an end. It seems just like yesterday that we were saying things like "Iowa could go undefeated with that schedule" or "Oklahoma is getting first place votes" or "UNC is a ranked team." What young and beautiful fools we were back then.

ACC

Clemson played a weird and mistake-filled game last Thursday against Wake Forest. Would it have qualified as a Clemsoning? To be honest, I'm not sure -- the term, which originated at The Solid Verbal, has been applied in so many different circumstances that the definition of what is and is not a Clemsoning is pretty blurred. Perhaps a commenter at Shakin The Southland can direct me toward an unbiased third party for further information.

If anyone wants to call the ACC offices??
336-854-8787 phone

You can connect with anyone in the building. I definitely have not done this like 2-3 times already...

Thank you! I assume we're all calling for that reason.

Notre Dame (and yes, we're putting you in the ACC section because too bad) was ungreat against Arizona State in what was likely its last opportunity to get into the playoff conversation. I know I promised not to do this, but let's go back to ND Nation one more time.

Kelly's my worst nightmare

a 9-3/8-4 coach that's good enough not to get fired, but not good enough to be a serious contender. Mediocrity.

Assuming you're not 5 years old, you can't possibly think of this as your worst nightmare. Notre Dame is still paying your worst nightmare. And your other worst nightmare is on the playoff committee. And if you are 5 years old, 2012 happened. Sure, it was stupid and required some favorable bounces here and there and oh goddammit Pitt how did you fuck up that game. But it happened.

Ugh, that was a terrible decision. Let's go to One Foot Down instead.

Bench Golson
He won't listen to his coach, he won't learn. He will continue to play his game and continue to break the spirit of the TEAM.

Brian Kelly: "Everett, try to avoid turnovers."
Everett Golson: "Screw you, old man! I'm gonna stay out all night and listen to rock and roll!"

Big Ten

"Minnesota 51, Iowa 14" can make a person realize a lot of things. For me? It was that I really missed you, Black Heart Gold Pants.

This is probably a bad analogy but I feel like this program is like an animal that is sick but is only given enough to stay alive but not get better, and at the point where it looks at its master and says fuck would you just shoot me?

This is why Bob Barker always reminded us to spay and neuter our Iowas.

A common theme started to emerge in the comments at BHGP, though: Things people did other than watch the Hawkeyes game. For some, there was workplace bonding.

I went paintballing with coworkers and missed the second half. glad I didn't watch all of this dumpster fire
going to the game next week and I'm not that excited. thanks for making me apathetic about iowa football kirk!!

Others focused on home improvement projects.

I checked out about 10 game minutes into the second quarter
It was evident to me I would switch to rage if I didn't. Since I was doing electrical work while listening to the game, I figured that was a Bad IdeaTM.

*sigh*
I spent this one raking leaves with buddies. It looks like that was the move.

While painting the apartment we're moving out of, I checked the halftime score, and wasn't upset.

And one lucky Iowa fan enjoyed an afternoon of romance.

Went to watch the game with my girlfriend at Barney's Beanery in Santa Monica.
Left at halftime. Walked to the beach. Got our feet wet. Walked out to the pier. Rode the Ferris Wheel. The weather was lovely.

[sigh]

Kirk Ferentz Football: it's good for your sex life! But not, well, your football one.

Since KF signed his giant extension
Iowa is 33-27. 5 of those 6 wins that keep us above 0.500 are against FCS schools. We are essentially 0.500 against FBS schools. We have a losing record in conference. We are 1-2 in bowls, and 2-3 against ISU. We are 2-3 against Minnesota. We are 0-2 against Wisky. We are 1-2 against Nebraska. We are likely to be 0-3 and 1-3 against those two schools by the end of the year. We will certainly be double digit underdogs to both. We have not beaten a ranked team since 2011. We have not been ranked for 50 consecutive weeks. His best season was last year, with 8 wins. We have lost more games as a double digit favorite than the rest of the big ten combined.

YEESH. That's too much realness.

Northwestern spleen is increasingly becoming some of the saddest you can find, and Inside NU has plenty of it to offer.

this right here
was poetry

Someday, when I look back on my life, watching this game will be high on my list of regrets

Why can't we ever lose...
...like a normal team?

Saddest of all? This inadvertently terrible Nelly remix.

It's getting Hot in here!!
I guess we need to wait till the end of the season and we will all know the outcome of the coaching staff!

I am / Getting so hot / I wanna call Skip Holtz up

Mark Dantonio's a man of economy, so he'd appreciate this simple summation of his team's loss to Ohio State from a commenter at The Only Colors.

well
I guess I won't have to worry about SEC bias anymore.

Big 12

One of the worst home losses in recent Oklahoma memory? Time to go enjoy some high-minded conversation at LandThieves!

Never been this ****ing embarrassed to be an Oklahoma Sooners fan. I haven't seen them completely give up like this since USC Sugar Bowl loss. Getting jailsexed on our home field by ****ing Baylor. We should never lose to these clowns. I'm ****ing sick of this mediocre play and shitty coach. **** Josh Heupel, **** Mike Stoops, **** Bob Stoops, **** this State, **** our Fans, **** me, and fuuuuuccckkkkk this team!!!! 5 million a year for this shit.

The whole state! Even the trees and rivers and such! All of them can get ****ed!

Naturally, things got sooooo much worse.

Good, Knight is down

Get the **** up off the ground and act like you have some balls!

**** knight. hope it's season ending injury

Knight is a **** made of glass. Landry was 10 times the QB as Knight. Baker Mayfield better get a fair shot this spring.

You see, Oklahoma's just like a family! It just happens to be the Menendez one. That's a group effort Scott Tenorman of the Week, right there. The family that stays together eventually commits murder with a hacksaw. Or something.

But the most chilling comment of the week came from one frustrated Iowa State fan at Wide Right Natty Lite:

This sucks.
I don't even feel like having tacos for dinner. I LOVE TACOS AND YOU HAVE TAKEN THAT AWAY FROM ME WITH YOUR TERRIBLE TEAM

Why would you say that about tacos you monster???!?!?!?!

Pac-12

Utah's our only entry from the West this week, and you can probably guess what these commenters at Block U...

TWIS Week 11 1

...and UteFans...

TWIS Week 11 2

...are discussing. If you don't, apparently you're not keeping up on your Taiwanese animation.

SEC

Here's a totally detached assessment of Auburn's loss to Texas A&M: The Tigers have a so-so defense and fell victim to an extremely unusual stroke of bad luck at the end that changed the game without necessarily defining it. But this is Auburn, the place where you can win a national title and be fired within three years, so let's see how College and Magnolia fans see it.

I put this on Malzahn and his staff.
The team has made so many mistakes this year and this was the last straw. He simply didn't have the team ready to play. That's just coaching. The stupid penalties were back, the bad playcalls showed up (like trying to get cute near the end of the first half instead of just running). The team looked completely disinterested tonight. Stupid, dumb mistakes cost us this game and you can look at the coaches for the reason why.

Something about this team just doesn't pass the smell test
The defense has long since collapsed, the penalties keep piling up, and now we get inexplicable fumbles and disastrous special teams play. I have to wonder if something darker is simmering beneath the surface of this team. Are there deeper discipline problems or even mutinous attitudes (like those that brought down Chizik) corrupting the on-field effort?

So it begins. I'm sorry, Gus Malzahn, but you'll be gone by 2016. Just pack your bags now. Unless ... you already planned for this with alternative financial arrangements?

lot of my friends in vegas texting me saying that game was fixed
you gotta try to lose mess up that badly at each half.

2 fumbles at the end of the 2nd half
blocked fg return for td where the guy that blocks the kick doesnt even get blocked

dirty

Oh, Gus. Always two moves ahead of the rest of us. Let's give War Blogle the last word on the Tigers.

It was voodoo witchcraft football god wrath at it's finest, and so far it's the only thing that's been able to beat Auburn.

(looks at sentence)
(looks at 15-point loss to Mississippi State)
(looks back at sentence)

OK then!

Let us close with a stop at LSU's finest Internet Detective Agency, Tiger Droppings, a collection of sleuths too smart to blame a home loss to Bama on "shanking a kickoff out of bounds" or "dumb overtime playcalling" or "a total inability to pass the ball." Red herrings, all of them!

10 blown calls by refs that ensured Bama beat LSU, with images

The listicle is officially dead.

A possible solution to the officiating issue..........
Get the Louisiana Legislature to pass a law making it a felony in Louisiana for any official to call a game where a fee is collected for entry where he has a family relationship or any interest, or present or prior affiliation with any of the participating parties in our state.

Mississippi will follow suit.

Then lets see what the SEC offices want to do. Ritter being hauled off in cuffs after calling the LSU game is perhaps the most appropriate thing anyone can imagine.

And if you don't think someone will run for State House on this platform, you're crazy.

SEC officiating crews are worried about protecting their image. I can prove that's a lie. I've had to deal with officials who truly were, they act nothing like this. My sister worked for city hall, she was honest to the core. City officials including her always gave me more scrutiny than other contractors, going beyond the norm to show there wasn't even a hint of favoritism just because we were related.

If SEC officials were truly going out of their way to protect their image, Bama would be the most penalized school in the SEC not the least. Maybe Les is comfortable now because he learned the SEC will start removing or demoting officials who continue to make poor decisions or maybe Les Miles is just that gullible. We will soon find out which.

I like the psychology at work here. Want to prove you're not in Bama's pocket, SEC officials? Start intentionally giving them a ton of bad calls. That will demonstrate to the rest of us that you're fair!

We need a spy or double agent to infiltrate the SEC front office

MATT DAMON RETURNS IN: THE BOURNE LETTER OF INTENT.

If bama is so great then why do they need the sec front office and offals to win

Probably just a typo, but what if it isn't? Why can't Bama win without haggis?

Loss an SEC Conspiracy
With Auburn's loss yesterday, a win by LSU last night would have thrown the SEC West into chaos and possibly result in a season ending with several SEC West teams in "1st place" with two losses. Would that jeopardize the SEC's chance of putting a team in the Final Four? A team that has the ability to win it all? Would Mike Slive take that chance as his career winds down, or did he "make a phone call" or "push a button" or "pull a string" or do whatever he does to get the result he wants, and assure Bama a victory? Did we witness a conspiracy unfold?

I hope he pushed a button. I hope the button was labeled "ROLL TIDE." I hope the button is next to his mute button and it's caused him several embarrassing conference call moments over the years.

This has been going on since bear Bryant.
Bama bias thru the sec office schedules and officiating. Until they level the playing field it will remain

Bear never won the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness, though. Typical anti-Bama This Week In Schadenfreude bias.

NEXT WEEK: You didn't tell Steve Sarkisian there wouldn't be other games on to distract people! Paul Johnson's Reign of Doom continues, sponsored by GEICO! Nebraska and Wisconsin don't need no stinkin' passes! It has been/is/will always be about the U!