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The Miami Dolphins are one player away from making a playoff run

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"Miss me yet?" -George W. Bush, but also Richie Incognito

Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Last night the Miami Dolphins wowed the nation, nay, the world when they defeated the Buffalo Bills in a Thursdy night Football game. The Dolphins took a commanding 1 game lead on the second place spot in the AFC East, which is traditionaly the safest spot for any coach who doesnt want to get fired but also doesnt want to make the playoffs. Miami looks like a shockingly competent team that is poised on the cusp of making a playoff run, with a obvious flaw in pass protection. They are short one man, one voice, one leader.


What happened to us?

We use to be a society that forgave. We use to be a society that helped each other out when they were down. When Jonathan Martin was depressed, who was the first person to take him out for alcohol to make him feel better? Who was the one sending him racist memes and threatening to kill him in order to make him want to keep improving? His pal Richie. And now that Richies been thrown to the wolves without a paycheck or a group of enablers, whose going to be there to give him a hand up? A man whose only crime besides death threats was just being too nice?

Memo to the Miami Dolphins- what is right is not allways popular, what is popular is not allways right. Its time to bring back the Prodigal Bro.

The Dolphins are a good team but they're still one player away from being a great team. There missing a spark, a certain "sizzle" as my main man Skip Bayless would say. They have some glaring weeknesses besides there ignorant fanbase- no offense to Dolphins fans. Their biggest liability is one Mike Pouncey. Tannehill is already banged up, and all the sneaky quickness in the world cant keep him ahead of the injury bug for too much longer. The Dolphins have games down the stretch verse the Ravens, Patriots, and Broncos who are all literally pinning there ears back and licking there chops for a chance to take down the deceptively fastest man in the NFL.

Dont get me wrong, I think Mike Pouncey would make a great Center or Nightclub Bouncer, but he just dosent have the cerebral discipline to play RG. He spends more time thinking about how to smuggle a file into a cake for Aaron Hernandez then he does worrying about how to keep Defensive Tackles on lock-down. Folks if I wanted a terrible susbtitute for a Right Guard Id go out and buy Toms Of Maine, thats a fact. Pounceys a liability back there and without a asset like Richie to keep him in check, the Dolphins are morally bankrupt. Richie has allready gone a entire year getting paid by Miami to not show up causing some to speculate that he shares a agent with Lebron James, but Incognito has allways left the door open for a return like King James where he would announce that hes coming back in a 400 word Op-Ed on Rotten dot com.

Richies name literally translates into "Undercover Dick" which is a bit of a misleading title because they dont come any more in your face than Richie folks. And theres a place for that on a NFL team. Sorry that you cant execpt the fact that a NFL lockeroom is a safe place where men can still be men and make fun of the asian equipment guy without someone making a federal case out of it.

Every week in this league you go up against a opponet that wants to embarrass you, and Richie is the ultimate preparation. Hes like having a scout-team dickhead or like swinging a bat with a lead asshole-donut on it because if you can survive in a locker room with Richie you can survive in the trenches verse anyone. Whether its for knowing your blocking assignment, or knowing which of your opponets parents have died recently as a way to get in there heads, Richie is a guy you want in your foxhole.

I'm told by league circles that The Dolphins have privatley acknowledged that they need Richie's "edge" back in the lockerroom. So last offseason they went out and signed Cortland Finnegan who's basically Richie Incognito Lite to fill the Football O'Doyle sized hole in there roster. Dont get me wrong Cortland has done a good enough job getting personal foul calls and whatnot, but hes too hamfisted to even begin to understand the nuance that Richie brings. Cortland will make fun of your natonality or your race, but Richie plays a mental game with you one day refering to you as a "half-n****r piece of sh*t" and the next a "Dirty Pakistani" just to repect your divirsity as a teammate and a friend. Its that type of comitment to exellence thats earned Richie such a good reputation accross the league. You dont have to like him, but you have to respect him.


Next week the Dolphins play the Broncoes, and if you dont think that the only reason Peyton Manning brought Richie in for a workout was to pick his brain about Miamis offense well then you dont know anything about football and stop looking at my internet immediately. Luckily for the Dolphins, last year Richie had replaced all the pages in all of Joe Philbins playbooks with Xeroxes of his nutsack as a prank, so their value to the Broncoes was limited. The Broncos said "thanks but no thanks" after kicking Richies Tires, but theres still a chance left for the Dolphins to have a Good Year. Getting kicked off the Dolphins and inexpliably hired by Denver would of been pulling "A Reverse Greise" which is ironically the only sexual positon he didnt threaten to use on Jonathan Martins mom.

Weve tryed it your way PC Police. Weve tried letting the inmates like Ray Rice ruin the assylum and guess what it didnt work. All we got by taking the kind approach is two ProBowl runningbacks in the legal system and a COMPLETE lack of accountabilty when it comes to the waxing habits of linemans female family members. News flash- theres a character issue name Mike Pouncey stalking the Dolphins lockeroom that needs to be addressed by a bigger character issue like Incognito. This is basicaly a case of the NFL having a predator problem, and they need to bring in a bigger and better predator to solve the problems temporarily. Yes, before you know it theyll be hiring Schiano to take care of there Incognito problem and then bringing in a literal Gorilla with IBS to manhandle Schiano. But you have to start somewhere, and its time to put the "offensive" back in "offensive line" folks.