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What every NFL team is thankful for this Thanksgiving

Even the Jets? Even the Jets. Sort of.

Arizona is thankful for: The defense that's going to help the Cardinals clinch a playoff berth for the first time since 2009, and the endless supply of articles pointing out that no team that plays in the stadium hosting the Super Bowl has ever made it to the championship game. Super helpful of you, sportswriters.

Atlanta is thankful for: The existence of divisions. Watch the Falcons go 6-10, win the NFC South, make an improbable run to the Conference Championship, and then agonize over whether they should fire Mike Smith. It's going to be the best.

Baltimore is thankful for: Justin Forsett, who leads all running backs this season with 5.8 yards per carry, and Steve Smith, who is probably going to become the 14th player to have a 1,000-yard receiving season after turning 35. Steve Smith was given a drivers license when he turned 11, because age has no meaning to him.

Buffalo is thankful for: A Week 16 game against the Raiders, because every other team left on the schedule is 7-4 or better.

Carolina is thankful for: Kelvin Benjamin, top two amongst rookie receivers in catches, yards, and touchdowns. Four wideouts were taken before the Panthers took Benjamin 28th overall, and it's hard to argue that any of them has clearly been better this season.

Chicago is thankful for: Derrick Rose. Quick, everyone go argue about whether he's being responsible or a sissy! Pay no attention to this terrible secondary!

Cincinnati is thankful for: The return of a healthy A.J. Green, who's accounted for 54 percent of Cincy's receiving yards in the last two weeks. Without Green, the Bengals are a team that likely gets knocked out easily in their first playoff game; with him, they get knocked out in a close and heartbreaking loss in that same first playoff game.

Cleveland is thankful for: A season where they might -- might, mind you -- have the same quarterback start for all 16 games! That hasn't happened since 2001! Quarterbacking in Cleveland is a very hazardous thing! Maybe Brian Hoyer became immortal over the summer!

Dallas is thankful for: Three of five games left on the schedule on the road. The Cowboys are 3-3 at home this season and 5-0 away from Arlington, and you should remember this if Dallas loses on Thanksgiving due to some idiotic turnover the Eagles return for a touchdown.

Denver is thankful for: Demaryius Thomas, who leads the NFL with 1,192 receiving yards through 11 games. Only one player in Broncos history (Rod Smith, 2000) has ever had more at this point in the season.

Detroit is thankful for: The NFL's best scoring defense and best defense against the run. You did give Matt Stafford a $27 million signing bonus so he could coach up the linebackers, right?

Green Bay is thankful for: Two games left against the NFC South, including a December road game in Tampa. Warm weather and easy wins for everyone! (Except the Bucs.)

Houston is thankful for: J.J. Watt. It's definitely J.J. Watt.

Indianapolis is thankful for: Playing in the AFC South. The Colts are 4-0 against their fellow teams in the division, and 3-4 when forced to play someone other than Houston, Tennessee, or Jacksonville.

Jacksonville is thankful for: Offseason signee Chris Clemons, who leads the Jaguars with seven sacks and could be the first Jacksonville player to reach 10 sacks since 2006.

Kansas City is thankful for: A Week 15 home game against the Raiders. ANDY REID WILL HAVE HIS SWEET REVENG(clock expires)

Miami is thankful for: An offensive line that hasn't let Ryan Tannehill get sacked 58 times. Nobody is more thankful for this than Ryan Tannehill and his internal organs.

Minnesota is thankful for: Offensive coordinator Norv Turner, who's ready to step in and lead this team as head coach whenever you need him. He'll just be taking a nap in this recliner until then.

New England is thankful for: Their inevitable 11th division championship in the last 12 seasons. You are a selfish man, Bill Belichick. You probably always eat the last slice of pizza.

New Orleans is thankful for: Minnesota and Carolina, the two teams the Saints have held under 300 offensive yards in a game this year. Woe to you, landlord renting to Rob Ryan. That security deposit is not going to cover the repairs after he's fired.

The New York Giants are thankful for: Odell Beckham, Jr., for all the reasons you think but also because he is not responsible in any way for that terrible defense.

The New York Jets are thankful for: The month of March.

Oakland is thankful for: Getting that essential first win, because nobody talks about the historical significance of going 1-15.

Philadelphia is thankful for: Connor Barwin, the NFC leader with 12.5 sacks. Jason Babin and Hugh Douglas are the only Eagles with more in a single season since 2000.

Pittsburgh is thankful for: Le'Veon Bell, who's averaging 1.4 more yards per carry this season and will likely become the first running back in Steelers history to reach 1,000 yards rushing and 500 receiving.

San Diego is thankful for: Playoff tiebreakers. The Chargers currently have the last postseason spot in the AFC ahead of the Ravens because they've got the better conference record (5-3 vs. 3-4).

San Francisco is thankful for: Anquan Boldin. Trading a sixth-rounder to Baltimore for Boldin already paid off last season for the 49ers when he finished with 1,179 yards, and he's somehow ahead of that pace this year.

Seattle is thankful for: Marshawn Lynch and Steven Hauschka, who have accounted for 169 points combined this year. Hauschka probably yells "BEAST HOLD!" at Jon Ryan after every successful field goal.

St. Louis is thankful for: Linebacker Alec Ogletree, the team leader or co-leader in tackles, interceptions, and forced fumbles.

Tampa Bay is thankful for: Cleveland not playing Johnny Manziel. Mike Evans has been awesome, but nothing would have made this season crummier for Bucs fans than watching Manziel have a great year in Cleveland after they passed on him.

Tennessee is thankful for: Nearly $12 million of cap space. If you're going to be terrible, you might as well save some money doing it.

Washington is thankful for: A locker room that's united under the leadership of the head coach and ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!