Michael Sam is gay, and this raises questions. Rhetorical questions. Don't bother answering them, they're rhetorical. We're just asking, everyone. Jack Betcha of the National Football Post did a good job collecting some of these rhetorical questions.
Will I shower when he is showering? Will I sit next to him on the plane? Will I room with him during camp for 3 weeks? Will I room with him for away games? Do I want my locker next to his? Will I be comfortable naked around him?
There's nothing worse than being on a plane and thinking you're opening a bag of honey-roasted peanuts, only to find out you have a death grip on your seatmate's engorged manhood. We've all been there, and frankly, I would just rather avoid the situation.
Those are just a smattering of the rhetorical questions straight players will ask themselves. Here are 10 more that advance the conversation in a productive, completely non-homophobic kind of way.
- What if I agree to shower with him, but he likes really hot showers, and it makes the room steamier than normal. Is that going to make things more awkward?
- What if he forgets his loofah but has a thing about clean backs, so there's really no way for him to get a clean back without asking for help? Do you think he would ask me to soap him up?
- Does this mean I have to stop propellering around lady reporters when I feel like it because I don't want him to get any ideas?
- What if I buy Ritz Bits from a vending machine, and they get stuck, and he's the one who rocks the vending machine back and forth to help them fall? Are the Ritz Bits still filled with peanut butter, or gay peanut butter?
- Can I still use "Brokeback" as a funny prefix when making funny jokes?
- When he tackles another player, does Leviticus prevent me from cheering?
- If he plays my copy of Metroid, will Samus turn out to be a dude?
- Does that mean I would have to wait until beating the game to find out if I should be attracted to Samus?
- What if Samus keeps his/her helmet on the whole time and I assume she stays a girl? That's okay, right?
- What if he and I are showering together, and my eyes catch his from across the shower, and a well-groomed curl falls right down in the middle of my forehead, and I push it back up gently, without thinking, and I look up, and he's still looking at me, deconstructing my being with every passing second, so I approach him timidly, but getting bolder with each step, suddenly not caring what the world thinks, and I throw my arms around him and my mouth seeks his, and our tongues dance tenderly, deeply, passionately, in front of my whole team? What happens when I get on a plane?
Look, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. Just wondering, is all. Just asking questions, hey, don't shoot the messenger. These are questions that we have to ask, right?
I'm sure you have questions, too. Please ask these questions. This is a safe place. We're just wondering, here.
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