We're required to remind you that these strong takes are PARODY. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Hey folks welcome to the 2014 bracket done by me, PFT Commenter. I dont care for roundball but I know enough about geography and genrenal United States culture to say with confidants that Baracket Obrackets Presidential predictions are going to have more holes in it than Hillarys Benghazi testimony and THATS a fact.
Florida over who gives a care?
Only disappointment Floridas ever had with a round of 64 is when Grossman just drank all of them and skipped out on the tab.
Pittsburgh over Colorado
Hmm Pittsburgh is a lunchpail town and Colorados got a case of the munchies. Pitt can run the floor probably and the only thing Colorados use to putting pressure on is there gravity bong.
SF Austin over VCU
Anyone dumb enough to get a education in Richmond cant be trusted to wring out a mop much less bring home a ring. Chaka Dumb might be the flashyest person in college basketball but unlike a Richmond police report theres no substance at all.
Tulsa over UCLA
Its basic math whose winning in a fight- a bear or a hurricane? Theres not going to be any "Hollywood ending" for UCLA (thats my line, no one else can use it Im looking at you Digger Phillips)
Tulsas a suprise cinderalla. Shes got a glass slipper that would make Rex Ryan literaly explode with excitement. Tulsa is CountryStrong- When they hear the term "Golden hour" they think more about how much time left to bail up that hay before come sundown than about how they look in front of a camra folks.
Ohio State over Dayton
This is a local rivalry like Paul Walker verse the speed limit was a rilvary no offense. I bet at least 90% of Daytons players have a buckeye tattoo on their neck only differene is they had to pay for them.
Syracuse over W. Michigan
The battle of which teams friends never come to visit them at school the most.
New Mexico over Standford
Standford: Jonathan Martin
New Mexico: Not Jonathan Martin
Kansas over Eastern Kentucky
If your schools trying to say its from "the good part" of kentucky Im sorry but no confidence points from me
University of Virgina over Coastal Carolina
Thomas Jefferson was the least racist slave-owning President in US History thats got to be good for a 1st round victory over a school who loses more students to shark attacks then graduation.
George Washington over Memphis
I bet if GW had known that Memphis would eventually become a city in the USA he would of just given up at Valley Forge.
Washington would of loved to of been a 9 seed. 9 seeds just mean's 8 more Cherry Trees he can chop down folks.
Harvard over Cincinnatti
Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. People forget that.
Michigan State over Delaware
Sophies choice. Kirk Cousins verse Joe Flacco. Its basically a coin-toss and oh wait a unemployed person from Michigan stole my quarter before it hit the ground got to go with the Spartans for there hustle.
Providence over UNC
Alls I know about UNC is that Eric Montross is not walking through that door.
Iowa St over NC Central
If your from North Carolina Im going to assume that you have a little Jon Edwards blood and your lineage has a bad history with Iowa, so sad to bad.
Connecticut over Saint Joes
If there football teams played each other it would be a tie, but this is bball and thats important to remember.
Villanova over UW- Milwaukee
If UW is truley Milwaekees Best then they are a vastly underrated school who will start up great but end up making you throw up and poop at the same time. Hard to win a game come tourney time when your going "number 3."
Arizona over Weber St
Funny how fellas like Jason Kidd or Mike Bibby wouldnt of been legally allowed to drive to practice in Arizona but we live in a post 911 world and governor Brewer is doing the best she can. Weber State sounds like a school that a grill company sends you to in you're first 2 weeks to learn that you shouldnt put lit charcoal back into your car after a tailgate. Learned that one the hard way.
Gonzaga over Ok. State
Marcus "Dumb" Smart might be off his suspension but sense he's established himself as a perceeved threat to fans, anyone sitting courtside is legally aloud to invoke the Castle doctrine if he steps out of bounds. Could get messy but fairs fair.
North Dakota State over Oklahoma
North Dakota leads the league in HPG (Hustles per game). Expect to see the refs to mistakenley hand out some early-game Techs to the Bisons for mistaking there starting line-up from having 5 coaches on the floor. ND State is cornfed meanwhile glassy-eyed Oklahoma seems to get all there nutrition from grass.
San Diego State over New Mexico State
Really tough 2 shock and upset a team whose players spend most of their nights in Tijuana.
Nebraska over Baylor
Robert Griffin is basically Baylors hero and we all know that Waco has a bad history following guys who think there Jesus.
Creighton over UL Lafayette
Doug McDermott is the Nick Caner Medly of Larry Bird comparsons. Louisiana will be disappointed to find out that basketball does not reward "cussing out your cousin at a famly function" as a important skill.
Run DMD is literally a coaches son who plays like a coaches sons dad out on the court. Creighton is the undisputed favorite to win it all. Blue Jays is a blue collared bird- dont forget that.
BYU over Oregon
BYU is usually the grittiest team in the tourney. These are kids who actualy respect there coach instead of going behind his back and videotaping him punching them in the face for not taking a charge in practice. They know how to shut up and listen a skill that will come in handy for when they have 7 wifes!
Wisconsin over American
Feels like DC verse the Rust Belt is a battle thats been going on for years. FYI they call it "American" university because no one can afford to pay its bills anymore.
Wichita State WILL BE THE F!RST NUMBER 1 SEED TO LOSE TO A 16 SEED
One thing I learned about Anne Dunham Obama Sotoro: Only thing comes out of Wichta is Losers who cant develop talent.
Just like Wichita State, Obama hasnt played anyone. He wouldnt schedule Ditka in the regular season and Romney just let Perry and Paul beat up on each other,, but now that hes on the world stage number 1 seeds like Putin are outmaching him. I predict Texas Southern- a REAL team is going to walk all over Wichita and a 7 nation army coudnt hold them back IMO.
Kentucky over Kansas State
Two teams who're more like the Mildcats this year fokls. They should honestly try to inject some excitement and say only the winner gets to keep the name "wildcat" and the loser has to change to "The Buffalo Bills" or something embarassing.
St. Louis over Xavier
Rick Majeris left this team without a coach or clean towels, so its taken some time for them to finally find there feet, something Rick was never able to do.
Louisville over Manhattan
Manhattan sounds more like somthing Rick Pitino will make you drink 7 of while out on a date with him than a basketball college folks. Pitions had some pretty high profile embarasments with 10 second violations, but fortunately this game wont be played on a 4top at TGI Fridays.
UMass over Tennessee
I call this "the battle of which teams fans hold there purses tighter when the basketball player shares a elevator with them"
Duke over Mercer
I dont know where Mercer is or if its even a school that has buildings. It sounds like a elaborate lie people made up so that when in job interviews they got asked where they went to school and theyd say "um". Anyways Coach K is a Elite coach who coaches the game the right way and recruits the right way and behaves the right way, and does America Express commercals the right way and swears at oficials the right way, and takes away folkses scholarships the right way and wins a championship 5% of the time with the worlds best recrutes the right way.
Arizona St over Texas
For being "the best university in the earth" kind've suprising that I didnt even know Texas had a basketball team until just now. Lots of cool stuff has come out of Austin like George W Bush and probably just a ton of babes, but the Arizona State Mike Shanahans are going to really make sure there burnt orange.
Michigan over Wofford
Im not saying that Wofford sounds like the name of a street in London where Ben Roethlisberger went to find a hooker to kill before there game against the Vikings but I mean come on.
A Michigan Man is basically a Schiano man in a union,, anytime you can get a bunch of scrappers from Michigan to work for you THATS what I call a "collective bargain" folks.
Anyways heres the rest of my billion dollar bracket. You have my word if I win Im taking my money and Im buying the Redskins and changing the name to Whiteskins to show everyone its funny how its not racist when its a joke making fun of White people.