clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Recipes for gourmet ingredients, written by 20-year-olds

New, comments

Hey, 20-year-olds! Would you like to learn how to prepare filet mignon, sushi, or risotto? Well, you can't.

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston shoplifted some crab legs. Maybe he really does know how to cook crab legs, but I'm skeptical, because generally speaking, 20-year-olds are clueless and have no life skills. Here are some recipes for other such gourmet items, written by other such 20-year-olds. (Ryan Nanni assisted with this cookbook.)

Filet mignon

Ingredients:

A thing of filet mignon (maybe Angus style)
K.C. Masterpiece

First, marinade [sic] your thing of filet mignon. Place it in a Ziploc bag -- if you do not have one, you can just use the tray the meat came in. Do not worry about the opening you made in the plastic where you took it out. It's pretty small so it should keep the air out mostly. Pour in a lot of K.C. Masterpiece, then tenderize it by rolling it with a rolling pin for five to ten minutes.

Return to the refrigerator, and allow it to marinade [sic] for 2 to 4 days. By this point, it should be tenderized to a glop.

Preheat a George Foreman grill to hot. Place the thing of filet mignon on the hot surface. Since the meat is kind of grody now, you need to cook it as well as possible. Leave it to cook for 45 minutes to one hour.

Upon opening the grill, at least a third of the meat will be charred and stuck to the grill. This is known as "fond." Throw away your grill.

★★★

Sushi

Ingredients:

Two filets of Chilean sea bass
Uncle Ben's Ready Rice

Boil filets in water for 45 minutes to destroy germs and caramelize the fish.

The benefit to using Uncle Ben's Ready Rice is that it comes pre-cooked in the bag, saving you a lot of needless work. Spread the rice evenly on a cutting board. Remove filets from the boiling water somehow; it is hot, so how this is done is unknown. By this point the fish should be nice and caramelized (mushy). Make little balls of it and roll it over the rice until it sticks. It

Damn, it's not

Agh it's not sticking

Dump the fish and rice into a bowl, Japan-style. Serve with any hot sauce you have on hand to give it a "wasabi" effect.

★★★

Mushroom-Leek Risotto

Ingredients:

Rice
Rice seasoning packet (should come with rice, if not, go to grocery store with scissors)
Water
Butter
Mushrooms
Leeks
Wait which ones are leeks
Are they the same as green onions
Or parsley
Shoot let's just do mushroom risotto

Put the rice in a pot and fill it with water. Add the rice seasoning. Do you leave it in the packet? It doesn't say. Let's play it safe and put half in and leave half in the packet and put the packet in.

Let it cook some. Put the mushrooms in. Let it cook some more. Is it burnt? No? Keep cooking then.

Man, this does not look right.

Wait, did we put the butter in?

★★★

Truffle Snax

Ingredients:

Truffles
Keebler Club crackers
Tostitos creamy spinach dip
Meat

I thought truffles were like a candy sort of thing, but it turns out they are a mushroom. Set them out as snacks and see if anyone will eat them. You might try dipping them in spinach dip, putting them on a cracker, and eating them as ordor'ves [sic]. For meat, just some lunchmeat.

★★★

Foie gras guacamole

Ingredients:

Some things of foie gras
Some hard avocados

Foie gras is renowned as a delicacy by virtue of its creaminess and squishiness. It's best used as a "quick fix" for guacamole made from avocados that are too hard (rotten?).

Using a thing of foie gras for every avocado, drop them all into a blender. Blend for 10 seconds. Open the lid; you should see the mixture beginning to smooth out. Blend for four more minutes.

"Ay carumba" - Bart Simpson

★★★

Krunchy Kaviar

Ingredients:

Three pounds of caviar
Old Bay seasoning

Your popcorn maker should already be seasoned with butter, salt, and/or caramel from previous popcorn poppings, but Old Bay seasoning will give it an extra kick. Dump the three pounds of caviar in, add a cup of Old Bay, and turn on the popper.

I'm kind of getting into Libertarianism

★★★

Poached quail eggs

Ingredients:

Quail eggs

Luckily, the majority of quail eggs on the market have already been poached (stolen from quail nests). Like all proteins, these benefit from a "low and slow" approach. Cook at 80 degrees for six hours.