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Notes on Kanye West's wedding/audition to become an NFL owner

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1. I was in line for groceries on the late night dad beat last week and these very dull visitors from somewhere not here were speaking in flat, monotonous accents about their church group. I want to make that part up, but I can't. They were talking about their church group, and buying batteries for their digital cameras for whatever event they were going to in town, and then they saw the cover of People featuring Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

Woman one: "Oh, I don't like him. I don't like him at all."

Woman two: "Me neither. She could do so much better."

And at that point, at 11:15 p.m. with a six pack of kids' whole fat yogurt and a brick of vacuum-sealed coffee in hand, I nearly turned around to the Stirrup Pants Hitlerettes and said "KANYE WEST IS A DAMN GENIUS AND YOU ARE SHIT." (I did not because the police are strong and have hard sticks to beat you with, but I really, really wanted to, and that's what counts here.)

I legitimately believe that, though, and reading about his wedding only confirms this. I feel confident in saying that Kanye's wedding is his third best album at worst, and one of his most important works, and also his best audition for becoming the NFL's greatest owner ever.

2. Kanye put a 49 foot tall gold toilet-god-temple on top of a Medici fortress and made people go to the bathroom in the dark in it, thus creating the most haunting metaphor of our time for wealth. At first it gleams in the distance, then invites you into a world of darkness, despair, and the uncomfortable silence of Italian bathroom attendants trying to hand you wet wipes in the dark.

3. Kanye ordered 30 black marble nude statues made for the wedding. The reasonable about of time given for fulfillment of this work order: four days. Of the thirty blocks cut, a grand total of six made it to the wedding intact and with their heads attached, a batting average of .200 that puts them right at the express statue maker's Mendoza Line. It's like my father the demand sculptor always said: "It's a lot like love, son: you can get it quick, or you can get it cheap, but you can't have both, and either way your head might fall off for no reason at any time."

4. Kanye scrapped the lights at the last second because no one needed to look at anyone but him.

5. This happened.

He took a saw and started sawing it in half himself. Two men held the bar stable as he sawed, and sawed, into the bar, defacing the entire front, screaming at everyone around him. He said it looked like a bar from Texas. Then he ordered two pieces of raw wood to be nailed onto the front of the bar. Once the wood was in place, "Now," he said, "it’s art."

You will never do anything this self-assured in your life. Also, I do not believe Kanye West is on cocaine, or at least any more so than any other person with the mutation of having naturally occurring, incredibly powerful cocaine glands located in their brain stem. 

6. If the dinner table had the names of the guests engraved -- and sometimes misspelled -- on it, then there is a possibility there is a chunk of Italian marble that just reads "Cyhi the Pronce" on it floating around Florence thrift shops. Find it, and I will give you five dollars from my bank account in exchange for it, and thank you for my new special power totem stone.

7. You might think him sending Andrea Bocelli packing after singing "Con Te Partirò" is cold, but it's a roster move that sends a powerful message that no one talent is bigger than the wedding team. Authoritative stuff from a guy clearly in charge of his own franchise.

8. I am seeing him sawing the draft board in half and stapling it back together with platinum staples while firing and rehiring his GM five times in a morning. I am seeing Roger Goodell striding to the mike and announcing without a hint of irony "with the seventh pick in the 2018 draft, the Chicago Bears select a $4500 floor lamp made of stuff animals by Mariano Fortuny." I see the NFL's most minimalist fan experience coupled with the vision of the owner openly watching hardcore pornography with a bored scowl on his face in a 35 point blowout to the Packers. After reading what he did with his wedding, I am more convinced than ever that Kanye West needs to buy an NFL team now. I --nay, WE-- need him as an owner more than I can express with these feeble, clumsy words.

9. In conclusion:

Kanye then gave a 45-minute toast to himself.