PFT Commenter goes back to the 80s with a very special NFL version of Miami Vice. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Here at SB Nation were celebrating the decade of the 80s this week, so I tought theres no more appropriate time to tell the craziest story of the 1987 ofseason. Its a story that has remained uknown to most outside of league circles but it could very well be the defining moment of three Hall of Fame coaches careers. May I present to you: Miami Heist
The year is 1987. Don Shula is working just his absolute tail of. Larry Csonkas not walking through that door and his young hotshot QB seems to be more concern with getting bronzed on the beach then winning a silver Lombardi. Lets get real here the only thing emptier then Marinos personality is his trophy case folks. Shulas got alot of thinking to do, somthing that you'll never hear any one say about Marino. His Dolphin's didnt even make the playoffs after coming into the season as a favorite. To top every thing off even his idiot son's are thinking about coaching. Retirements clearly on the horizon for Don, and hes been thinking about life after football. He needs to set his famly up with some income because lets face it his sons arent exactly the Wright brothers. I mean even Orville and Wilbur got there careers off the ground for a few seconds.
EXT- SHULA STEAKHOUSE BUILDING UNDER CONSTRUCTION
Don Shulas smokin a stogie- the tightest would Cuban that would exist in Miami until Olindo Mare. His restraunt is rally coming into its own. Hes going to serve the biggest steaks in south beach and he can even insure that his sons Mike and Dave have jobs for the rest of there lifes. The first shipment of black angus cattle is do in at any time. They need to be here by noon so Don has time to slaughter all of them before the grand opening tomorrow. Don check's his watch like every 30 seconds hes a real organized no muss type. His sons are late with the first delivrey of steaks. Shula lights his second stogie of the days with the charcoal out door grill he built with his bear hands.
CUT TO INT. OF THE CAB OF A CATTLE TRUCK
Dave and Mike Shula are crusing down the highway, windows down. There blasting Two Love Crew and rocking out.
Mike: Me me me so horny!
Dave: Me love you long time!
Just than, a shawdowy figure steps into the road with a ski mask on and a literally assualt rifle and points it at the truck, bringing it to a full halt.
Mike: Hey whys that guy wearing a ski mask its 90 degree's what a buffoon!!!
Dave pick's his nose and eats the booger.
Robber: Gimme all youre fuckin cows!!! Hand em over!!!
Dave: Ok well give you the bulls we dont want any trouble. Whatever you do just dont take this hundred thousan dollars I have in the glove compartment!
Mike look's at Dave like hes a idiot.
Mike: Dave you idoit! You just told him we had a hundred thousan dollars in the glove compartment!!!
Dave: Yeah, so?
Mike: We have TWO hundred thousand dollar's in the glove compartment.
Robber: Gimme all that money to are I'll blow your brains out.
Mike: Id like to see you try.
The Robber coldcocks (no offense to Brett Farve) both of them and takes the money and all the steaks out of the truck. 10 minutes later they wake up.
Dave: Mike, Mike, wake up.
Mike: What happen?
Dave: Some skier stole all are steak cows and money!!!
Mike: Dangit!!!! The restraunts suppose to open this weekend and we have to have steaks to serve or else Dads going to have to depend on are coaching careers for financial support when hes older! Hes going to be so mad at us!
Dave: What are we gonna do?
Mike: I got a idea. Lets leave town. heck, lets leave the country. Cubas what 90 miles away? Lets drive this truck straight down to Havannah. We'd probably be at least one of the top 32 football coaches in Cuba I reckon.
Just then Don Shulas Cadillac pulls up behind them. He tracks his sons locations via all of the customer complaint calls he gets via the "Hows my driving" sticker on the back of there cars. Hes gotten like a dozen in the last half hour so he knows exactly where they are.
Don: The hell are you boys doing here pulled over in the literally middle of the streat?
Mike: Dad Im sorry we got robbed. He took all your meat and money.
Don: This is a worst robbery then Nutrisystem!! What am I going to do???
Just then a big black refrigerater truck rolls by with a big flashy ass logo on it reading "Ditka's Steakhouse."
Don: That son of a bitch.
Don gets into the truck with his idiot kids.
Don: Follow that truck boys.
The unassuming white truck follow's the black truck throgh the streets of Miami (back in the day there were no PC Police yet so no one was racist by the way.) They eventualy get to a fancy building in the downtown Miami area next to the bulding where every character on the TV show Dexter would be grossly negligent at there jobs and keep getting promotons for 6 years. Sure enough theres a sign outside for "Ditkas Steakhouse." Shula gets out of the car and walks up to the entrance.
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Coach Ditka had a rough year to. Fresh off a Superbowl win, his Bears team got smoked in the playoffs and Ditka literaly had a heart attack but returned like the next week because hes oldschool. His doctors recommended he take it easy in the offseason and start thinking about retirement so he also started opening up his own steakhouse. Hes inside also smokig a cigar and punching a brick wall just to keep his toughness up.
Don look's Coach in the eye and the two maintain locked eye contact for about a full calender minute before Don starts speaking.
Don: Well well well look who it is.
Ditka: Well well well I'll be dammed.
Don: Well well well you old son of a bitch.
Don punches Ditka in the face. Ditka punches Don in the face. There both bleeding pretty bad but this is basically how football coaches said Hi to each other back when are country had a real leader and we were more tough.
They both crack a smile and hug each other.
Ditka: What brings ya hear Don?
Don: I couldnt help but notice you were opening up a little steakhosue here.
Ditka: People love there steaks Don.
Don: Tell me about it. As Im sure you know Im also opening up a steakhouse. Nothin like a little friendly competiton off the field. Now fairs fair and its just good gamplanning on your part if you hijacked all my livestock- but making my sons Mike and Dan wet and poo themselfs? Thats crossing the line.
Ditka: Now you lissen here, Don I dont have any idea what the damn ass hell your talking about. If I wanted any rotten meat Id just pick up one of your free agents you old bastard.
Jim McMahon comes sprinting in to the restraunt wearing a Ditka Steakhouse uniform hes out of breath.
Jim: Coach!!! Someone just stole your truck!
Ditka: Or you sure you just dindt forget where you put it again? Your brains not very tough.
Jim: I swear its gone.
Ditka: What in the hell..
They walk outside and the big black refrigerator truck is gone.
Ditka: They stole it they really stole it. Get on the phone with the cop's tell them to be on the lookout for a Big Black refrigerator truck Lisense plate "WLLAMPRRY". Don are you thinking what Im thinking?
Don: That the west coast offence is just a gimmick fad and will never work in the NFL?
Ditka: No you numbskull!!! That the same guy stole are dang cattle!! And its up to us to track em down.
MIAMI VICE MUSIC PLAYS
Ditka and Shula and crusing around in there camino smoking stogies and doing good detective work. usually there known for stumbling assbackwards into leads because they have Walter Payton, Mike Singleterry, Dan Marino, and Larry Csonka, but this time its because there pounding the pavement instead of the rock.
There driving down a highway and see a big refrigrated commerical meatpacking boat. They immedately pull over and break out the binoculars to get a better look. Theres a shady guy in sunglasses and a Hawwain shirt looking around all shadylike and wiping his hands, which are covered in blood. Theres a sound coming from inside the boat that sounds a suspicous amount lik Cows dying. The Shady guy outside looks awfully familar.
Ditka: Wait- is that who I think it is?
Don: Your damn right it is. Thats Bill Parcells.
MIAMI VICE MUSIC PLAYS
Ditka and Shula hop over the side and scale the boats ladder up to the top deck. There so quiet, there like Ninjas or there wives when having sex with them. They get to the top and see Parcells whose totally caught off-guard (Ditkas favorite play)
Ditka: Freeze Bill!
Ditka is pointing a gun at him.
Don: Mike why do you have a gun
Parcells trys to make a run for it but Ditka pounces on him like a dog in heat. He shoots Parcells in his mouth but the bullet bounce's off his teeth. Then he shoots him in his fupa from point blank range but the bullet is unable to hit any vital organs. Irregardless. Parcels is hurt.
Bill: Ok ok ok. I give up I surrender. Im sorry.
Don: Bill you son of a bithch how could you?
Bill: I needed the money.
Ditka: Thats are livlihood you rascal. Now you tell me right now how many of are cows did you slaughter???
Bill: Cows? I didnt kill any cows.
Don: Dont lie to me.
Bill: Honest. Ive been taking this boat out to see and catching dolphins, then killing them and canning there flesh Im starting my own fishmeat company for when I retire called Big Tuna.
Ditka: You sick bastard. If you wanted to detsroy the Dolphin's you should of just waited 20 years and hired Jeff Ireland.
Don: Im turning you in Bill.
Don turn's to leave.
Bill: Wait wait. did you say your missing your steak cows? What if Ic an help you get them back??? Ill give up the illeagal fishing for ever please please dont turn me in.
Ditka: Do you no who stole them.
Bill: I do. I do.
Ditka: Well then get in the car string bean. Its time to go to work.
MIAMI VICE MUSIC PLAYS
Ditka Parcells and Shula are driving around Miami inthe camaro now. No radio. Each mans football minds are playing sweet music of bluecollar gameplanning. Bill leads them to a abandoned warehouse just outside of town. They see the Ditka Steakhouse truck parked out back.
Bill: Theres your truck. The cow's should be inside. Just dont say I told you.
Bill lower's himself down into the seat so no one can tell hes in the car accept for his dorsal fin of fupa is sticking out throug the sunroof so every one passing by knows its pretty much either Parcells or Charlie Weis taking a nap in there.
Ditka and Shula kick the door in like a couple hardasses and pull there weapons. What they see would shock even the hardest crimnal investigator or NFL commisoner.
Its literally a superlab of bulls in tiny tiny stall's each one hooked up to a cow milking machine with tubes running into a giant steel vat. These arent cows though,, there bulls. Whats going on here? Ditkas jaw hit the floor, literally. The approach the vat and Ditka stick's his finger in the liquid.
Ditka: Its urine. Its fresh urine. Sweet Mary and Joeseph.
They see a shadowy figure in a skimask underneath one of the bulls attatching his milker. Ditka pulls his weapon.
Shula: Freeze you son of a bitch!!!!!
Shula tackles the giant skier and stnads him up. Exellent police work on their part.
Shula: Now lets take a look at who you realy are.
Shula pulls of his ski mask to reveal...
Ditka: Lawrence Taylor!!! How could you you bastard.
LT: Im sorry coach its just I keep doing drugs and the league makes me taek so many drug tests that I need my own farm of cows to harvest there urine.
Shula: Your a discrace to the shield. I mean I allways knew that you liked your meat to be aged for a very short peroid of time but this is ridiculus.
They perpwalk the hell out of LT into there car and then realise they arent really cops so its like, "where are we going to take him?" They didnt really plan in advance. They release him into the custody of his father figure, Parcells. The Coaches get there cattle back and sit down for a stogie on the beach.
Ditka: you know what Don? I kind of enjoyed working with you this weekend.
Don: It was kinda fun wasnt it?
Just then a out of breath Joe Gibbs sprints up to them.
Gibbs: Help!!! fellas fellas i need your help. Some one just stole a truckful of Bibles from me!
Reggie White behind the wheel hi-tailing it to Mexico.
Ditka and Shula: Here we go again