WWE Battleground 2014: The full rundown and why you should care

There's just one more pay-per-view before SummerSlam, the last true "big event" in the WWE calendar year. Battleground takes place on Sunday night in Tampa. Although it's a bit of a placeholder event, the card is pretty much stacked. Easily worth the $9.99 to pay for WWE Network in order to watch the PPV. (And if you're reading this and haven't signed up for the Network yet, what in the world are you waiting for?)

Battleground will begin on pay-per-view and on the WWE Network at 8 p.m. ET, with a live pre-show starting at 7:30 p.m. Here's the full rundown of the card. Consider this your cheat sheet to everything that's worth knowing (and some things that aren't).

Here's your program for the evening's festivities.

Cameron vs. Naomi (Kickoff match)

What am I looking at here? Cameron and Naomi were a tag team known as The Funkadactyls (and were introduced as valets for "The Funkasaurus" Brodus Clay, hence the dinosaur team name). They're also two of the cast members of the E! reality show "Total Divas." Before she became a Funkadactyl, Cameron was somewhat infamous for blowing Steve Austin's mind on the reboot of "Tough Enough."

Why you should care: Because THE FUNKADACTYLS EXPLODE. Two former teammates in a heated blood feud? How can you miss?

wait that was supposed to be in sarcasm font sorry

Intercontinental Championship Battleground Battle Royal

What am I looking at here? There are gonna be a bunch of people in the ring here, so it's okay if you're confused. The participants announced for the match are Cesaro, Kofi Kingston, The Great Khali, Rob Van Dam, Dolph Ziggler, Big E, Ryback, Curtis Axel, Alberto Del Rio, Sheamus, Bo Dallas, Fandango, Sin Cara, Zack Ryder, The Miz, Diego, R-Truth, Xavier Woods, Heath Slater and Titus O'Neil. Maybe there will be more people added. Who knows?

Why you should care: Bad News Barrett was injured a couple weeks ago, because all of our favorite wrestlers have to get injured or else there will be an earthquake or something. So he had to give up the Intercontinental Championship and now the new champion will be determined via battle royal. They decided a new United States Champion via battle royal not too long ago, which is how Sheamus ended up with that belt. And he's ... also in this match. So in theory, this would be a good time for WWE to unify the titles but they almost certainly won't. Bad News Barrett is supposed to be on hand to present the title to the new champion. So shenanigans are likely on the menu.

WWE Tag Team Championship: The Usos (c) vs. The Wyatt Family (2-Out-Of-3 Falls Match)

What am I looking at here? The Usos are the guys doing the Haka, with facepaint. They like superkicks. The Wyatt Family is Luke Harper, who has long hair, a huge beard, a bald spot and an Andrew WK-level-stained A-shirt, and Erick Rowan, who will be wearing a sheep mask and coveralls. The Wyatt Family is part of a "cult" of sorts, led by Bray Wyatt. (More on him later.) These two teams have been feuding for a while, but the Usos have managed to hold on to the titles ... for now.

Why you should care: 2-out-of-3 falls matches are usually great and it's been a really long time since we've seen one. Also, this is likely the best shot at a title changing hands on the show. This could potentially be the match of the night and Luke Harper just might be the best wrestler in the WWE right now. Say that last part at a wrestling party sometime and get instant street cred. (lol there's no such thing as a wrestling party)

Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige

What am I looking at here? AJ Lee is the really tiny woman who is the current champion. She's also a newlywed! The crowd will likely be congratulating her on her nuptials! Paige is the pale Englishwoman who was the champion until a couple weeks ago, when AJ defeated her in her return match.

Why you should care: These two women just might put on a terrific match, because they're both extremely capable of doing so. Paige really needs a big win to prove herself as a "worthy" Divas champion. At the very least, she needs someone to make her look like a million bucks and like a formidable wrestler. AJ could do that for her.

Jack Swagger vs. Rusev

What am I looking at here? Jack Swagger will probably be waving an American flag. Rusev will definitely be waving a Russian flag. Don't adjust your computer; you haven't traveled back in time and/or accidentally queued up Russkies on Netflix Instant Watch. They're really doing a "USA vs. Russia" feud in 2014. And it's kind of awesome. (Note: you should definitely watch Russkies sometime.)

Why you should care: As improbable as this feud has been, this is probably going to be really great. Rusev is undefeated in the WWE and Swagger could just be the American hero who vanquishes the evil foreigner. They'll probably hit each other really hard, so that's always fun.

Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt

What am I looking at here? Bray is the aforementioned cult leader of the Wyatt Family. Chris Jericho is the world's only Cool Dad and the lead singer of a hard rock band named after a Muppet, which is somehow much less cool than it sounds. I'm ... not really sure why they're feuding at this point, but that doesn't really matter. Something about a changing of the guard and Jericho's time as a cult of personality being over. I think that's right.

Why you should care: Jericho was enticed to come back for his semi-regular run by being offered a program with Wyatt, of whom he thinks very highly. Since Jericho is one of the better wrestlers of his generation and he's motivated to help establish Wyatt as a star, this will likely be very, very good. In fact, I'd be shocked if it isn't.

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

What am I looking at here? Seth Rollins is the current Mr. Money in the Bank, which means he has a briefcase with a contract for a guaranteed world title shot, good for any time he chooses. Dean Ambrose, who only wears jeans and A-shirts now, was formerly in The Shield with Rollins and Roman Reigns, before Reigns spurned them to side with The Authority of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon (and Kane and Randy Orton, to a lesser extent).

Why you should care: This has been the most heated feuds in the company ever since the Shield split up. Ambrose has been ON FIRE and has cut some of the best promos in years on Rollins since Seth's big heel turn. He's also promised that he's going to show up to beat the crap out of Rollins any time he attempts to cash in the Money in the Bank contract. This will be an extremely hot and intense match between two of the very best wrestlers in the entire world right now. I honestly can't wait for this one.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Fatal 4-Way Match: John Cena (c) vs. Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton vs. Kane

What am I looking at here? John Cena is currently the champ once again, for a stunning 15th time. The current talking point is that he's the greatest champion of our time (possibly all time). Randy Orton is, as always, the guy with no pants who is -- wait for it -- a 12-time champion! That's nearly as many as Cena! Roman Reigns represents the last vestiges of the Shield's aesthetic. He's impossibly good-looking, has a lot of charisma (possibly from sharing a bloodline with The Rock) and is about to have a rocket strapped to his ass, if the fuse hasn't actually been lit already. Kane, now and forever, is Kane.

Why you should care: Reigns is going to look like a billion dollars here, but he's not going to win the match. John Cena is going to win. Lest you laugh and say, "well of course," be aware the reason he's going to win is because this is leading somewhere. Namely, it's leading to SummerSlam, where Cena will fight Brock Lesnar. That hasn't been announced or even officially insinuated, but if you've been on the Internet, you know it's the direction they're going and what they're leading up to. It will be Lesnar's first match since breaking the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania and will hopefully mean a Lesnar title run. But maybe we'll all be wrong.

Long story short, if anyone but Cena walks out of Battleground as the world champion, I'll eat any number of hats and I'll do it with a smile on my face. But what you should do, above all else, is enjoy the match. Heck, enjoy all of Battleground! That's what it's there for!

I know I'm looking forward to it.