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'Sharknado 2' is the new midsummer classic

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"Sharknado" movies should decide home-field advantage in the World Series.


If you're worried it wouldn't be able to successfully over-the-top itself, fear not. Sharknado 2 topped its predecessor, the 2013 summer sensation Sharknado, by doubling, tripling and quadrupling down on its self-awareness. Nearly every scene featured a cameo by a C- or D-list celebrity: Andy Dick as a cop, Billy Ray Cyrus as a doctor, Biz Markie as a guy who LOVES mopping floors and Wil Wheaton as a guy on a plane who gets killed by a shark in the opening scene. The most inspired stunt-casting had Robert "Ted Striker" Hays as a pilot and Judd Hirsch as a taxi driver. (Seemingly, the only one in New York.)

Here is an extremely short list of things that happened in just the final 30 minutes of this movie:

- Tara Reid had her bitten-off hand replaced with a circular saw
- Kelly Ripa killed a hammerhead shark by stomping on it with a high heel
- A biker with a pickup truck bed full of chainsaws threw the chainsaws into the sharknado, so the chainsaws were whipping around killing all the sharks
- Ian Ziering rode a great white shark through the sky like a pegasus before impaling it on the antenna of the Empire State Building
- Ian Ziering pulled Tara Reid's hand holding a gun out of a shark (a hand that was eaten at least an entire day earlier), shot a bunch of sharks, then proposed to Tara Reid
- Ian Ziering ate a slice of New York-style pizza during the end credits and, despite a rousing speech to the citizens of New York (all 25 of them) about proving to the world what a REAL New Yorker is all about, he didn't fold it in half

You're going to be seeing a lot of GIFs of stuff like the behind-the-back, no-look shark bisection over the next few days, but let's get to the heart of the matter of Sharknado 2. For all its sharkery, Sharknado 2 is a movie about two things:

1. New York is different from Los Angeles: In the tradition of great film franchises like Die Hard, Home Alone and the Muppet movies, an established concept is placed in New York City. Are you aware that New York City is almost like its own character? Well, it's true! The first Sharknado took place in LA, while the second installment whisks the premise off to Big Apple, where you can pull right up to the outside of Citi Field and where the subway is never, ever crowded. Not even during two sharknadoes on a collision course. Where you can pop into the local YOLO "B" US to pick up some Super Soakers, lighter fluid and swords. The New York City depicted in Sharknado 2 is the only New York City I'd consider living in. And yes, that operates under the assumption there are exploding sharks on fire flying directly at the center of my face every 30 seconds.

2. The Mets: The movie, without making many bones about it, is a thinly veiled allegory for the Mets franchise. A group of miserable Mets fans sits in the bleachers as a blizzard (of sharks) approaches, then flees to the streets as the stadium is pelted by angry fish. Harlan "The Blaster" McGuinness, who you may remember as being a seven-time MLB All-Star and manager of the Mets for 15 years, was portrayed in this film (eerily accurately) by Richard Kind. Kind got his moment in the sun by taking a short-armed swing with a baseball bat at a hurtling shark and effortlessly hitting the shark at least 700 feet through the Citi Field scoreboard, triggering the Home Run Apple.

Read between the lines: this is an assurance to Mets fans that things are going to be okay. You have suffered in the cold for a long time, but good things are coming. As a city, you will struggle through this, but come together stronger than ever and triumph over seemingly insurmountable odds. When the Mets beat the Marlins in seven games in the 2016 World Series, just remember that Sharknado 2 told you it was going to be alright.

But then again ... the one character in the film who actually wore Mets gear -- who was covered head-to-toe in orange and blue -- was dragged off a flooding subway car and literally not a single character gave a shit enough about him to comment on his death.

Never mind, Mets fans. It's just a movie about murderous sharks after all. We're so sorry.