We sent the ultimate NFL fan to the ultimate NFL stadium experience. All spelling errors are intentional (we think), but this is about telling, not spelling. -Ed.
Seattle is a very "progressive" city in the same way that my hungry man dinner progresses its way in to my septic tank. Its the commie lib capital of North America and its biggest rival in football is San Francisco which is like a drag race between a Suburu and a Prius where the winner is whoever can adopt the ugliest dog the fastest. Sometime's they have just enough gas to reach the Superbowl while franchises like the Steelers roll coal consistently in a F350 dually.
The Seahawks have never been acused of being geniuses, which was evident as they thought short-term and decided to win the Superbowl and cost themselves valuable draft position. Teams build through the draft and if your wanting to have a consistent winner its not exactly a great idea to be picking last. Irregardless they're winners for the time being. And I wanted to make the journey to the Pacific Northwest to observe just what a championship football team and fanbase looks like.
As all the locals will tell you when you get to Seattle "First things first- ya gotta see the Space Needle!" I stopped by and let me tell you that Needles so big its a wonder Colin Kapernick didnt try to use it to write rap lyrics all over the skin of his forearms when hes up here losing twice a year. I didnt pass the security clearence of "not smelling like I drank 25 mexican knifefights at the bar across the street" so they wouldnt let me go up in it SMH.
Talk radio in Seattle is kindve lukewarm as far as takes go. I tuned in to the local 710 ESPN and didnt hear a single caller or host call for Pete Carrols head on a platter after dropping 1 out of there last 2 games to the Broncos. The only good thing about the Seahawks insider report there is that its sponsored by Seattle Divorce Lawyers for Men which if I were ever married and got found a different girl to cheat with me would be a service I would absolutely use. Girls dont go to a Urologist to get there paps smeared, why would I use a womens divorce attorney like a idiot?
Next I went to Museum of History and Industry with a "innovation" exhibit sponsored by Amazon and let me tell you its a crock of shit. There was absolutley NO mention of the counter-trey running game or Bear 46 defense which literally revolutionized the NFL. Fortunatley they ask you to add your innovations to a wall so that Jeff Bezos can steal them. Here was my contributon:
Another bad thing about Seattle I noticed is the spy museum and its glaring omisson of a New England Patriots wing. For a town thats suppose to be so educated they place very little importance on talking about NFL football all the time.
The Seahawks were going to take on the San Diego Chargers that weekend. As Im sure your aware, they are the team of my favorite player in the world, Danny Woodhead. With Danny Woodhead taking on the likes of the Seadderall Pharmacyhawks it was going to be a matchup between 2 sides who are only good because they have "deceptive speed."
People in Seattle call themselfs "12s" which is a way to tell some one that you root for the Seahawks and also what your IQ is, doubled. If you ever want to listen to the most anoying conversation in the world, get a Seahawk fan and a Aggie in the same room and ask them to tell you who the real 12th man is and also just have them discuss any other topic with each other.
It was going to be a interesting affair. Sidney Rice just decided to quit a few weeks a go because he wasnt content to just ruin fantasy teams. He claimed it was because of head injurys- the jurys still out on whether or not concussons are even real but if you made Rice give you a honest reason for every job he quit hed probably have a stack of excuses big enough to fill a playbook he hasnt read.
The Seahawks also lost Golden Tate in the same way that you get a tumor removed so this is a team that could be pretty good if they ever get a decent Quaterback. Wilsons a eloquent enough guy but after his Superbowl and divorce hes become a flip flopper- does he want a ring or not? Make up your mind son, your suppose to be a leader.
I wanted to take part in the culture of the city to learn exactly what makes Seattle such a unique place to pretend to care about football when the team is good. Luckly enough for me it was the weekend of there legendary cannabis festival "Hempfest." Let me tell you these fokls were to busy packing a bowl to pack a lunchpail In my opinion. Right outside your greeted with a omenous sign
...and welcomed by a statue of Brett Farve
Inside the gates I saw people smoking pot every where and selling weed vape kits and all sorts of stuff that made me very confused because I dont know how to smoke drugs. I get paid to watch football, not Cheech and Chong folks.
Alot of people at Hempfest forget that Denver verse Seattle in the Superbowl was actualy the Superbong because both citys recently legalized ileagal marijuana. Not this guy though.
I walked around and finally found some other good NFL merchandise. I call these Jim Harbong, the THChawk, and the Washington Redeyes
There was even booth set up that seem to appeal to a target demographic of Marcus Vick:
I wear a hardhat not a greyhelmet, so I spent most of my time at hempfest calling theSeatle police department trying to get in touch with that one cop whose writing 80% of the citys tickets for smoking pot in public. The Seattle PD wouldnt enforce our nations laws but for some reason there was no protesting or media people getting themselfs mased and teargassed- realy shows you the doublestandard in America today.
Literally,, the hottest taeks
Literally,, the hottest taeks
So I walked around getting a contact high like I was going up verse Tyrann Matthew in press coverage, I needed some caffene to balance me out. I bought what I was told was a energy drink but later learned was filled with large amounts of hashish- the active ingredient in marijuana. The potent mixture of pot and stimulants is whats known as the Richard SherManhattan. Im not kidding folks you know who else is "Sleepless in Seattle" its there entire defense of backfield because there popping more adderal then Marshawn Lynch is chewing skittles.
I wanted to see some more sites after my experence at Hempfest so I cruised down to Pike Place Market. The fish tossers put on a clinic in making sure catches and I noted how they handed the fish to there customer like theyve been there before, they didnt spike it in there face or go find one of there many relatives in the crowd and give it away. You would think that after so many years with Tarvaris Jackson the city would be more use to seeing wounded ducks then dead fish flying all over the place, but enough about Russel Wilsons ex-wifes favorite sex position.
Heres a literally thing I saw. There was serously a larger police presents at the grand opening of the second Trader Joes on Queen Anne Hill then there was at Hempfest.
Coffeenerdness: I walked passed the original Starbucks which had such a long White line Im suprised Johnny Manzell wasnt there trying to snort it. I asked for "a cup of coffee- black, no offense" and the girl (?) who was serving it to me must of been a racist because she looked at me like I had the ebola. One thing caught my eye outside though- apparently Sports Illustrated Peter King is persona non grata at the most famous coffee shop on the planet.
Pretty embarassing if you ask me. I spent all afternoon trying to figure out why maybe he would of been banned but the only thing I could come up with was that hes a rude customer and talks down to service industry people all the time but thats just a wild assumtpion Im making based off dozens of interactions that he himself has personally written about in his weekley football column.
One cool thing about Seahawk's fans is that there the only NFL team that has there own liquor unless you count the Raiders fans making hooch inside Pelican Bay toilets. I met up with a couple of 12s and they fed me whiskey until I forgot how to spell "D- (cardboard cutout of a fence)."
I got to the stadium a little early because I wanted to do some science to determine what makes CenturyLink such a loud place to play. You probably dont know this but its the loudest stadium in NFL. After a morning at Hempfest I had just assumed that Seattles stadium is so loud because there all laughing thinking about overated lines from grandmas boy. On my way in I was stopped by a couple stripdancers who were handing out free sandwiches.
I dont know about you folks but usualy my wiener gets burned AFTER I spend time with a stripper! They woudnt let me take a picture of them because a parently this is communist Russia, but you anytime youve got strippers giving me footlongs your not getting any complaints from me!!!
I spent the first half up in the Hawks nest with the real fans. Most've the people I talked to were from the suburbs and they got LOUD. The Hawks nest is probly the cheapest seats in the stadium but they gave it a cool name so people wouldnt feel like complete idiots sitting there. In DC they just make you feel dumb by putting you literaly behind a cement pillar but in Seattle they just put you a million miles up and with nothing to protect you from the rain which as I understand it, hardly ever happens up there.
I also met this babe whose probly the coolest Seahawks mom in America aka a 12ILF. Her names Krystal and her daughter Jayden is 13 month's old and shes been bringing her baby to games sense Jayden was 3 months old. If your going to ask me I would say the loudest stadium in America is a pretty great place for a child to grow up. In your face every other fan in America. By the way Krystal, if your reading this- sup?
The out come of the game was irrevelent given that Danny Woodhead and Philip Rivers only played one quater and Seattle technically should of been forced to forefit on account of they never lined up with a traditional QB. A stat that is probably true is that this was the first game in which 3 different QBs for one team scored rushing TDs- these arent the Seahawks folks there more like the Canary in a coal mine that tells us how far the NFL has fallen. Preseason matchups often come down to whose got the best backup QB heres a quick list of the Seahawks QB situation who look just as likley to break into "no diggity" as they are to call a play, not to be racist.
At half time it was the perfect time to sneak down in to the club level seating and rub canvas elbow patches with the Seattle Elite. I got down to seats that were literaly on the 50 yard line which is also apparently a force field for the Chargers offense given how they played the second half.
One thing I didnt realize about the club level in Seattle was that all the fans there look like Ben Folds in ketosis. Im not kidding all the hippy libs who were spouting of at the mouth make me wish they would redirect another type of sound into the stands- the Puget Sound.
So the Seahawks absolutely smoked the Chargers like 41-14 and it should of been 48-7 but Pete Carrol got a false flag thrown on him for a illegal contact. On the way out I took a selfie of the ultimate Seattle fans car whose such a diehard that he hasnt renewed his vehicle registraton since 2012 just so he could keep it in theme with the motif:
Seattle overall is a good city to visit but it feel's like the type of place where if you ever wanted to move there youd have to apply for a bunch of permits. Your aloud to smoke weed just about wherever you want but you cant smoke a cigarette without a stoned ass public employee pretending to cough and tell you that "you cant do that on a moving bus sir." The seafood is absolutely fantastic although you have to make a halfhour drive out to Kent to get to the nearest Long John Silvers. Word of warning though- you cant find a Mad Dog 2020 within the city limits no matter what Spencer Hawes trys to tell you. My best advice is to BYOMD and schedule your trip to Seattle around lent so you can stock up on the freshest filet o fishes possible while your there. So thank you to all the friendly people of Seattle. and there football team. After a weekend there I can honestly say that they are probably the best team in the NFL that had to change conferences because they were so godawfully terrible for 25 years.