clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

32 hot takes for the 2014 NFL season

The NFL's ultimate fan shares his predictions for all 32 teams this season.

Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

SB Nation 2014 College Football Guide

It's a golden age of takes. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. Sorry, not sorry. - Ed.

NFC East

The Giants - The Redskins should keep there name in my opinion and just change the logo to Tom Coughlin outdoors in November. Madison Hedgecocks not walking through that door. You cant teach a old dog new tricks and theirs no basset-hound lookin' ass quarterback more than Eli Manning. (2-14)

Redskins - Robert Griffin the Third Reich just dosent have the sneaky athleticism of Andy Dalton to make Jay Grudens offense work (2-14)

Cowboys - Tony Romo is literaly a brokeback Cowboy no offense. There home is called AT&T stadium because there lines get crossed all the time, no one knows whose making the calls, and ever since Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson theres no more Star 69. 8-8)

Eagles - Its edition by subtraction losing De'sean Jackson but its subrtraction by subtraction losing Danny Watkins. The rest of the NFL is about to catch up with Chip Kellys gimmick offence though and the defense still has Casey Matthews on it somehow. (8-8)

NFC South

Saints - Apparentley its not ok for "Slap ya mama" hot sauce to advertise for them any more all because Dez Bryant coudnt distinguish between real and TV. (8-8)

Panthers - If Cam newton had spent as much time cracking the books in college as he does his ribs the Panthers woudnt of had to draft him, and Ron Rivera might not of gotten fired at the end of this season. (2-14)

Bucs - Lovie Smith is as classy as they come just a class act all around unfortunatley hes about to get schooled. Lovies going with the strategy of starting Josh McCown who has played for 9 NFL seasons or the exact duraton of 2 Lovie Smith challenges. (2-14)

Falcons - If Matural Ice had one healthy hamstring to hand the ball to or a WR with one healthy ankle he might be Elite. Arthur Blank owns home depot so it makes sense that he went out and bought a bunch of highprice gadgets like Julio Jones that he dosent know how to use. (8-8)

NFC North

Bears - For a guy with Bipolar disorder Brandon Marshall dosent seem to get North/South very much on the gridiron. Cutler need's to lead his confused WRs into the endzone with his passes instead of giving them "juke balls" that encourage the flashy highlight sidestepping that doesnt translate into football points. (8-8)

Packers - The Packers are retiring Brett Farves jersey this year wait no there not wait yes they are wait no there not. Aaron Rogers will throw 12 TDs to Jordy Nelson and 20 more to Wide Recevers that you wont know who it is until after they get up in the end zone and the announcers say there name. (8-8)

Lions - Jim Caldwell finaly gets a chance to show of what his offense can do when its not hampered by Peyton Manning (2-14)

Vikings - There going to win like 5 games. (5-11)

NFC West

Seahawks - Any time a defense embarases Peyton Manning in a playoff game the NFL has to make severe rule changes for the next season, its a law. Richard Shermens trashtalk is also the name of a public TV show in Seattle where he tells you about seperating your compost from your refuse. (8-8)

Rams - If they have any player who're aren't injured or high, now would be a good time to bring them out. Kenny Britt in East St Louis should have his own realty show. (2-14)

49ers - There new stadiums so close to Humbolt county youd think they could find someone to teach them how to grow grass properly. (8-8)

Cardinals - The jurys still out on Carson Palmer theres just not a large enough sample size. Bruce Arians is a Elite coach but hes going to be to busy getting fitted for his Steeler's HC headset to worry about the Cards chances (2-14)

AFC East

Jets - Ryans got a interesting strategy of "assemble the worst team possible and then beat extremly low expectations" and this year hes got a alltimer of a stinksquad. (2-14)

Patriots - Tom Brady hasnt won a playof game sense Aaron Hernandez killed a guy.There Wide Recevers look more like a group of guys from your middle school who stole bikes then a professional receving corps. Really though if you have Belichick and Brady everyones going to pick yyou to win 12 games anyways so who cares. (12-4)

Dolphins - Now that Jeff Irlands masterfuly executed turnaround has been completed, The Joe Philbin era is 5 months a way from coming to a merciful end. They upgreated at RB by getting Knowshon Moreno who will last until week three without needing a new knee. Theres going to be a Richie Incognito sized hole in the roster and the Dolphins will be missing the key ingredent of a player who tells his teamates to kill themselfs and bangs there sisters. (2-14)

Bills - CJ Spiller dosent know how to not feel pain and Doug Marronne Five is going to be a one hit wonder now that Sammy Watkins has a broken rib making it harder and harder to breathe. (2-14)

AFC South

Colts - If they can start every game down by 20 point's to the Chiefs they could be a contender. (8-8)

If the Colts can start every game down by 20 point's to the Chiefs they could be a contender.

Texas - Houston is probly the worst city on the planet, no offense to Houston. Bill O'Brien did a masterful job restoring Penn State to its old legacy and making every one completeley forget all those distractons, but he faces a even tougher job trying to erase the memory of Matt Schaub. (2-14)

Jaguars - Jack Del Rio told them to keep chopping wood which led to numerous axe wounds- no offense. So its interesting that Gus Bradleys motto is "play good enough so that after Im fired I get a much better coaching oppertunity." Blake Bortles should sit his first year to pick up on all the good habits that Chad Henne has. (2-14)

Titans - Ken Wisenhunt is a quaterback whisperer but with a guy like Jake Hurt Locker they dont need Robert Redford, they need the guy who bring's the tarp out when the horse gets injured. (2-14)

AFC North

Steelers - Between Leveon and Legarrete the Steelers have two Highsman trophy winners in there backfield. The guy with the hair is still there safety for a couple games a season but he seems like hes more focus on looking like a comic book villan then maintaining eye-discipline on the double move. They still have Big Ben who will extend plays and seasons, "Its Big Ben Time!!" (Picture of Big Ben the clock in a steelers jersey) (16-0)

Ravens - If Baltimore can get there fans to apologize for there role in last years losing season thyey might make it back to the playoffs. This is a make or brake year for Joe Flacco in terms of whether or not hes Elite this year. (8-8)

Browns - Hoyer? I hardley even know her! (4-12)

Bengals - Jason Cambells Head Coach has been fired for 5 consecutive seasons and this is the perfect place for him 2 be if he wants to extend that streak. (8-8)

AFC West

Chiefs - Alex Smith is a modernday Steve Young. There both mormon guys who had there best seasons on the 49ers. Jamal Charles is fast but all that means is he outruns his blocks and is to speedy to be good (scouts term). Andy Reid is running a midwest-coast offense which means its comprised mostly of short, quick snackbreaks. (8-8)

Like most of there fanbase, the Raiders dont know if theyll have a home next year, no offense to Raider fans.

Broncos - Wes Welker never had a concussion in a state that didnt have legalized marijuana floating around everywhere. The symtoms of drug smoking and CTE are virtualy identical, so dont expect Wes to have any cogent thoughts until he gets out of the Mile High City. (14-2)

Chargers - Danny Woodhead and Philip Rivers look like kinda guys youd see biking up to your door in a shirt and tie- I call this Chargers duo the "Blues Brothers" there on a mission from God folks. If Junior Te'o can do something resembling defesnse this year the Chargers could sweep the Raiders. (2-14)

Raider's - Just because Al Davises dead dosen't mean you have to draft the slowest players possible. Like most of there fanbase, the Raiders dont know if theyll have a home next year, no offense to Raider fans. Signing Matt Schaub was like signing a Elite WR for every team that they play against, no idea why they made that move TBH. The good news is people in Oakland are to busy Occupying Wall Street to occupy your front lawn if you throw 5 pick sixes. (0-16)