This week, Absurd Power Rankings decides where your team falls on the very important scale of how trustworthy your defensive coordinator seems as a babysitter.
1. Dennis Thurman, New York Jets.
Dennis Thurman is bringing over board games and making popcorn. Did you get your homework done? Not yet? Well, ok, after we have smoothies let's try to get going on that. Then we'll ride bikes!
2. Bill Davis, Philadelphia.
Bill Davis knows all kinds of cool science tricks. Give him a match, a slice of lemon, a saucer, and a glass, and he's gonna MYSTIFY you. Tends to rely too much on putting peanut butter on things at snacktime.
3. John Pagano, San Diego
That's a smile that says "sure, we can rent The Matrix again!"
4. Romeo Crennel, Houston
Should you name Romeo as guardian of your children in the event of your untimely death? No. He can't handle that level of long-term responsibility. But babysitting for a few hours is right in his wheelhouse.
5. Ray Horton, Tennessee
What puts Ray Horton in the top 5? He's got a private pilot's license. You may think that suggests he's a daredevil or a risk-taker, but I say the hours spent getting that license prove he's dedicated and focused. Also he can fly your kids to a safe location if there's a Godzilla.
6. Bob Babich, Jacksonville
Looks like he knows how to stretch that 40 bucks you left on the counter for maximum value, like sneaking onto the mini golf course at Hole 5 because the cashier can't see anything beyond the volcano on Hole 4.
7. Perry Fewell, New York Giants
Not loving the thin mustache because it's going to convince your pre-teen that he should grow his own facial hair, but I appreciate that he got dressed up for picture day.
8. Kevin Coyle, Miami
Exciting babysitter? No. But Kevin Coyle knows how to be flexible on bedtime without being a pushover, and he's always good about loading the dishwasher before you get home.
9. Todd Bowles, Arizona
LOOK AT THAT FACE. He doesn't even need to say a word to let you know that you should not be throwing that ball in the dining room.
10. Greg Manusky, Indianapolis
Really good with kids, but lacks focus at checking to see if they've brushed their teeth. You gotta check the brush, man. Don't just rely on what you're told.
11. Mel Tucker, Chicago
Has succeeded in Florida and Ohio, so there's no question he can handle whatever your kids throw at him. Also might really need the money soon.
12. Mike Nolan, Atlanta
Sure, deciding to take Alex Smith first overall may not have been the best decision football-wise, but it showed confidence in a young man just starting out. And don't you want a babysitter who makes your kids feel good about themselves, even if they're not actually all that talented?
13. George Edwards, Minnesota
Takes the "eat whatever in the fridge" offer a little too literally. Who just polishes off a jar of apple butter with a spoon?
14. Jim O'Neil, Cleveland
Unusual to see such a young babysitter ranked so highly, but he's eager to prove himself and he's saving up money to buy a super nice telescope.
15. Dean Pees, Baltimore
Your kids are gonna laugh at his last name, sure, but he's used to it. Good chance you'll find him asleep on the couch when you get home, though.
16. Teryl Austin, Detroit
Only hire him if he promises not to plan a group playdate with Nick Fairley and Ndamukong Suh.
17. Jack Del Rio, Denver
I'm sure the axe thing won't happen again.
18. Vic Fangio, San Francisco
Has no idea how to use the DVR, so your kids will do more reading than they otherwise would, but he'll accidentally record eighteen straight hours of QVC.
19. Jim Schwartz, Buffalo
Incredibly awkward when he screams at your kids because "who reads the stupid rules to Monopoly." EVERYONE knows the three doubles in a row thing, man. Chill.
20. Leslie Frazier, Tampa Bay
A little too calm and collected in the face of disaster. He gave Christian Ponder a ton of starts before making a change - who's to say he won't let your garage burn down because he doesn't want to use up his anytime minutes calling the fire department?
21. Dick LeBeau, Pittsburgh
Look, sometimes you can't find a sitter and you gotta send the kids to stay with Grandpa for the weekend.
22. Jim Haslett, Washington
Will absolutely break something valuable and blame it on one of your children.
23. Sean McDermott, Carolina
This isn't Miami Vice, buddy. Go shave that mess if you want me to take you seriously as a childcare provider.
24. Paul Guenther, Cincinnati
Has a certain "I'm going to take all the gin you have in the house for this weekend's woodser" look to him.
25. Dom Capers, Green Bay
He may seem harmless enough like this, but wait until he puts on the clown makeup. Your kids won't sleep with the lights out for a month.
26. Bob Sutton, Kansas City
WHO WANTS TO SLAP FIGHT?
27. Rod Marinelli, Dallas
Might get weirdly honest with your kids and start crying about all the mistakes he's made in his past. Keep it together, Rod. People barely remember that Detroit thing.
28. Matt Patricia, New England
Uncle Buck was funny, but it wasn't something you'd wish for your family.
29. Dan Quinn, Seattle
Too reminiscent of the P.E. teacher you were terrified of.
30. Jason Tarver, Oakland
This is the neighborhood kid you warn the babysitter to not let come over.
31. Rob Ryan, New Orleans
You're wondering how anyone could be a worse babysitter than Rob Ryan?
32. Gregg Williams, St. Louis