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The Democratic party has found its next president

SB Nation sent PFT Commenter to the Democratic Presidential debate in Las Vegas. He found America's next political superstar.

Joe Raedle/Getty Images

LAS VEGAS -- As I'm writing this, the sun is burning off a thick layer of fog outside my hotel window and ironically Im waiting for the thick haze asssociated with consuming an enormous amount of fireball to wear off. Las Vegas is truly a land of contrasts, perhaps none bigger than the juxtaposton on display last night as a town known for promoting larger then life boxing and basically sex shows hosted a debate that focused too much on the steak, and none on the sizzle.

As I said before, literally in the first paragraph, Las Vegas is a land of contrasts, and it was none more visible than with the Democrats trying to co-opt a party town. What better place in the world then Las Vegas Nevada to host a event filled with people railing against evil corporations stealing money from averge citizens? The debate was hosted literally at a called ironically called "The Wynn" which is like hosting a Cleveland Browns game at a stadium called also "The Wynn".

But at the end of the night, the Lib-otomites couldnt live up to the larger-then-life Vegas hype. You'll recall that the Dems were on there A-game in 2008,, dropping hot takes left and right when every candidate was pretty much running against Bush. But times change, and the GOP has beaten them at there own game by making 2016 a election where every Republican is running against Hitler.

Instead of captureing Americas hearts by making fun of debate moderators for being on there period,Democrats are spending all there time talking about things like free college and free healthcare for immigrant children when not a single anchor baby has ever used there make-a-wish to go back in time to kill Hitler. Clear distinction between the parties.

And the nation has turned on them. Since the 2008 election, Democrats lost both Congress and the Senate which threw the party into turmoil since it was the first time the Dems couldnt blame losing houses on Bush.

The elephant in the room was ironicaly NOT in the room- GOP front runner Donald Trump was on everyones minds. The CNN staff spent more time talking about Trump before the debate then any other canidate. The Dumbocruds might be winning in terms of they dont have a candidate who would honestly urinate on his opponents as a joke during a live broadcast, but all that tells me is they lack backbone. Americans prefer if someone is confident about the wrong thing then they are if they are wishy-washy about the right thing.

The Prelude

The night before the debate I went and hobknbbed with the political Elite of the Democratic party to see behind the scenes. At the Washington Post pregame party (it was open bar, so I took advantage of a great opportunty to get back at Jeff Bezos for the 30% profit's he takes off sales of my e-book) Harry Reid got up and spoke. Reid struggled to make it to his seat and was assisted by one person on each side as he walked onto the stage to address the audeince, in somewhat of a showoff move that he has more support than anyone else on the GOP side when it comes to garnering support to be speaker of the house.

Also appearing at this event was Democratic National Committee chairwomen Debbie Wasserman Schultz who is about as popular among democrats as Lee Harvey Oswal.  This is a party that needs a Roger Goodell type leader, But Schultz is more of a Bud Selig type the way shes completeley botched the scheduling of the 6 democrat debates, almost intentonally scheduling them during holiday weekends so no one will watch them.

She also wont let any of the candidate's go play winter ball on there own, issuing a mandate that if a candiate is caught participating in a non-sanctioned debate, they will be barred from future events. Limiting yourself to only 6 times that people can tune in and listen to Jim Webb decsribe how little time he has had to speak is doing your party a great disservice. Many are speculating that Schultz is limiting the number of debates so that Hillary Clinton  only has to change her stance on key issues a half-dozen times.

After the Washington Post things I went to another party in front of a fountain or whatever from a company called Famous DC. The thing is that Washington Political circles are so incestuous (literally? Im not sure, they didnt specify) that when Washingtonians go to other citys they all just want to hang out with each other there. Basically its like a bunch of Steeler fans, except they all have masters degrees and the exact opposite work-life balance.

The day of

I had planned on going to the gun range before the debate to excercise my 2nd amendment right to know how to fire a fully automatic assault rifle while still drunk from the night before. Legally if your not hungover yet, your not technically intoxicated, is my understanding. Theres this badass company called "Battlefield Vegas" that will pick you up in a Humvee from your hotel and let you be a real tough soldier for a couple hours and then drop you off again, which was how I planned on rolling up to the debate still smelling like gunpowder and freedom.

See, what libs dont udnerstand is that if someone with a demonstrative history of mental illness can easily buy one at a gun show or just a guy in a truck who wrote the words "gun show" in the fog on his window, then I should be able to buy one too.

It also gave me a great idea for business plan: instead of a gun range, why not have a knife range, where you can grab from a assortment of daggers and switchblades and in a supervised enviroment just go slash crazy on whatever the hell gets in your way. Or maybe a voting range where folks can go to practice there voting so long as they have the proper idenfication. Security overhead on that one would likely make it unviable.

But due to the securty measures that were put in place at the debate, I was told that there would be a sealed checkpoint and wouldnt have time to fire off a few thousand bullets into a wall. Clear violation of my 2nd amendment constitution.

This debate had a much more comprehensive security plan then any of the others. In California the security was basically just letting a regular dog walk past your bags and if you didnt pet him and tell him he was a good boy then you were a terrorits. They checked your bag once in the morning and then you could go home and come back whenever the hell you wanted without anyone asking you a damn word.

This was a different story. There were metal detectors, REAL drug and bomb sniffing dogs, and a bunch of armed people with the word "tactical" in there job descriptions. Just goes to show you that Democrats are only pro gun-control when they dont want to be shot.

So I posted up outside the Wynn and tried to get on TV with a couple badass signs, which were immedately confiscated by CNN security, and then some agent trailed me on a half mile walk to stock up on posterboard and markers to make new signs.

I dont blame the secret service or who ever it was for trailing me up and down the strip only because they had nothing else to do. Although it might of been a case of racial profiling and they are supsicous of anyone whose wearing a Make America Great Again Hat and a Secede Tshirt. Chances are they were just following me on account there was absoluteley nothing cool going on outside the debate whatsoever.

There were no protests or anyone dressed up like the grim reaper, or pictures of Hitler or anything cool. It was just a bunch of well organized Hillary or Sander supporters wearing matching tshirts like a bunch of nerds. Guerentee you that if there candidate lose, whoever organized those support rallys will turn the email listserv into a thread to advocate for Las Vegas building a community garden and then once it gets built, using it to complain about transients stealing there produce.

I was educating alot of libs about Steve Spurrier and his coded message during his press conference that he "wasnt retiring, just resigning" and how that likely meant he was considering a 2016 bid. Steve Spurrier, Head Coach, United States of America. Folks if you think Obama plays alot of golf wait til the ol ball coach gets a job in politics.

But there is no head coaching search comittee for the leader of the free world, although man that would be pretty cool. Youd see secret consultants lining up backchannel deals with other world leaders. If that were a thing the GOP would of sent out feelers to Vladamir Putin about 7 months into the Obama era. Rather have a former communist thug then a thug communist IMO.

Instead, we have to deal with giving the unwash masses the right to chose there leader which is extremely ineffective to begin with. What if The Eagles chose there football coach by conducting a mass election? You'd end up with Mickey from Rocky and some guy name Angelo who stabbed the guy who broke up with your cousin. Re-public literally translates to un-publicing. Take the power out of the hands of the people and put it where it belongs- in shadowy consultancies and greedy powerbrokers.

Until then folks Ive got a election to cover-

Last Night's Debate Power Rankings

1. Lincoln Chafee and its not even close

Hendrix at Woodstock, Reggie Jackson in the World Series, Jesus after he died and became the son of god because his supporters coudnt find his body where his murderers said he was, and Lincoln Chafee at the Democratic debate. The Dems finally have a transcendent candidate that is the spearhead of a movement that has been building in the country for decades.

Chafee stared right into that camera last night and connected with dozens of Americas when he admitted that he had no idea what was in a bill he voted for that basically gave the major banks prima nocta over your paycheck because it was his first day on the job. I stand with Governor Chafee on this point. When I started my second stint at Outback they didnt just let me handle the bloomin onion, they put me on salads or saucing up the roo balls or whatever. You cant just expect one of 100 people in the United States chosen to represnt you in the worlds most powerful law-making body to go on the job and be competent from Day 1. I blame Harry Reid for not giving him some easy no-brainer assignments like voting to give up his constitutional duty to declare war because the President said he had this one under control.

Chafees magnatism and charisma borders on almost animal-like. This man fights like a lion and makes love like adonis. Have you ever tried to run a Presidental campaign off of only $30,000? During commercal breaks he was extreme couponing for attack ads in Guam. The scrap and zeal that just oozes out of every orifice of this guy screams Oval Office.

True story- Wayne Newton strolled through the Spinroom last night and the way the women were reacting everyone thought it was Chafee strutting in. Panties flying every were.

I walked away from the debate last night honestley not knowing what any of Chafees actual positions on issues were besides the fact that he says hes never had a scandal, which is like me saying Ive never eaten a bad meal and then challenging a bunch of strangers to disprove it.

Im not a fan of political theater folks, Im a fan of political sports, and there would be no better Superbowl matchup then to see Chafee and Donald Trump square off head-to-head for three debates. Honestly I would be shocked if Trump just facetimed in for all three to avoid having to deal with Chafees masculine presents. Type of guy that would make whoever the President of China is quake in his boots.

2. Jim Webb

Jim wins the award for "Candidate who's daughter youd be most terrified to date in high school." Jim delivered a strong steady message on many issues and was the only candidate who gave a clear position on the topic of whether or not Jim Webb was being given enough time to speak.

He also admitted to killing a guy, so for the record here are some updated confirmed kill standings:

Jim Webb- 1

Rick Perry- 234

3. Hillary Clinton

Hilary will say anything to get elected with the notable excepton of "yes Id please like to send more securty forces to Lybia."

Hillary listens and adapts to issues when they become mainstream enough where its safe for her to evolve. Shes your friend who started listening to Outkast when Speakerboxx came out. Tough to stick your finger in the air to determine which ways the wind blowing when youve got George Soros and Goldman Sachs farting direcltly onto it.

Clinton flashed another example of her chameleon ways speaking with a classic affected Las Vegas dialect by refusing to mention that she had a husband when asked about her last name.

4. Mike O'Malley

O'Malleys trying to make significant history by becoming the first President with a apostrophe in his name. But to me thats a red flag. Name might as well be O{REDACTED}Malley. Whats he hiding in there? Apostrophes are the new yada-yada. "Well you see, we employ a massive swarm of flying murder robots overseas, apostrophe, now a bunch of generations of people over there want to kill us."

Peopple forget that O'Malley was one of the inspirations for the chracter Mayor Carcetti in "The Wire". On the show, Carcetti started running for Governor one year into his term. Makes me think O'Malley regards the Presidency as a stepping stone gig and might be looking to pull a Nick Saban on America to go be king of Mars in a few years. Just something to watch out for.

In a recent poll, only 19% of Maryland voters thougt that O'Malley should run for President, and to be honest I cant think of a more ringing endorsement, no offense to Maryland.

Note: I had a exclusive interview with O'Malley that will be posted later, btw. We talk Redskins, Flacco, Pepco, Flacco, etc. Want to give that the attenton it deserves (this is what known as a teaser btw)

5. Bernie Sanders

Free college, free healthcare, free freedom. Does it ever occurr to Bernie that there are people out there who LIKE payig for these things? If everyone had a free education then we'd all be smart enough to know not to vote for him- kind of a catch22 there. I honestley like Bernies grumpy incredoulous fire, but in a "Im going to bring my alcoholic grandad to see the Jackass movie just to watch his reaction when they fly a remote control helicopter tied to there dick" kind of way.

How does Bernie plan on paying for all this free stuff? Well by increasing taxes on billonaires, like they dont allready do enough for us by letting us work for them until we die.

Bernies military policys are also a bit askew. For example, his strategy in regards to improving the quality of life and healthcare for Veteran's seems to center around a policy of not sending them into bullshit wars to begin with. Little slight of hand by Bernie there that many missed. Goes to show you the extreme hypocrisy on the left that they only advocate abstinence when it comes to military invasions. It should go both ways.

I said this last night but Bernie seems like the type of guy who would only authorize the use force if our nations damn squirrels kept getting at our nations birdfeeders again.

Can you imagine if the United States elected a damn socialist? China would eat us alive.

The Spinroom

The Democratic spin room and the Republican one after their debates could not have been any different. There were virtualy no campaign managers, canidates, or anything. That is, with the notable exception of The Peoples Champ Lincoln Chafee who spent literally a hour walking around doing interviews with anyone with a pulse. I interviewed him twice just because he looked like he could use the company.

The former Rhode Island Governor is a huge Patriots fan so I asked him for his take in regards to the Pats wide recever situation:

Color me shocked that a guy who changes parties whenever he gets a new friend request on facebook would absoluteley love a guy for going across the middle anytime hes asked.

Also, friend of the program Curt Shilling took to twitter last night to share his thougt that the real winner f the debate was ISIS. This is plagerizing an old take of mine when I was asked last year who would win the Raiders Jags game. But Chaffee and Shilling have a history together as Shillings old video game company/fraud-manufacturing plant 38 studios went belly-up on the RI taxpayer dime.

So the Governor and I parted ways but I was certain I had just been speaking to the next Presdent of the United States. I had to go catch up with my buddy Don Lemon. We were talking baseball like old pals as he was walking away from me as fast as possible, and he admitted he "wasnt sure" about whether or not Chase Utley should be supsended for his hard slide. He "dosen't watch" baseball and quickly got the hell away from me as fast as he could. Perhaps a better stratgy would of been for me to hold up a picture of Utleys clean hard slide and ask him DOES THIS OFFEND YOU?

In Conclusion

In conclusion, the debate was so much less cool then the GOP one where it looked like a fistfight could rbeak out at any second. This was a contest where all partys pretty much echoed what Obama has done, except like there trying to water it down like hearing Fall Out Boy cover Michael Jackson.

Obama had his years center stage, and The GOP basically held a magnafying glass up to the spotlight and burned him good. Now America’s Aunt, Hillary Clinton wants to be queen folks but in realty does she even care about the workers? We grew from the colonies folks, these are all references to ants.

The Democratic debates were good for one thing -- just basically trying to feel out which person would have the balls to muster up a cogent comeback if Donald Trump told America that he had sex with there mother on national TV. Thats all the democrats should care about. Sure they can try to distract America from the real issues by continously pointing out that Donald Trump might be the biggest or at least, the most open asshole to run for Presdent since Abraham Lincoln. But they fail to realize that saying that a journalist is perioding all over the place and having sensible foreign trade agendas arent mutually exclusive items.

And the only man for the job, the one man from the left who would be able to stand up to Mr. Trump is not named Sanders or O'Malley or Clinton, or the other guy. Its Governor Lincoln Chaffee.