PFT Commenter had the chance to talk to Presidential candidate Martin O'Malley during his trip to Las Vegas to cover the Democratic Presidential debate. We're required to remind you PFT Commenter's strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
LAS VEGAS -- Martin O'Malley was in a tough spot going into Tuesday's Democratic debate. On one hand, he doesn't posses the electrifying gravitas of Lincoln Chafee, and on the other he wasnt Bernie Sanders or a former Secretary of State. The former Mayor of Baltmore/Maryland Governor enetered this season like his hometown Baltimore Ravens. He looks like a contender but hasnt gotten the overall result's like the guy from New England Sanders, and lets face it the Clintons are the Benghazi Roethlisbergers of politics.
But what O'Malley does have at his disposal is the fact that he looks like a damn President. You remember those people who specalize in the very true and accurate science of studying peoples facial features to determine what your going to be when you grow up? Like if your eyes are big people will think your hot? And if you have a big mouth your probably going to be a Wide Receiver? Well I took the picture's of every single legitimate United States President and also Obama here:
And using the latest image merging software I combined them in to one photo seen below:
Just incredible. The other advantage that O Malley has going for him is that his campaign staff are readers of the MMBM and my political takes. They just get it folks. So after Tuesday nights debate, O'Malley agreed to give me a exclusive interview right after he let Chris Matthews open up for me. It was honestley a pretty great site seeing "reporters" from the Washington Post and Times with there thumbs up their butt while a buzzed guy was asking the Presidental Canidate about Colin Kapernick. Heres just a fun pic of me and the former Govenor goofin around:
Pretty great pic of both of us IMO. Couple handsome fellas.
I noticed someone in his entourage was carrying around a guitar as they walked by the spin room. Turns out that he was jammin out on it before the debate to get loosened up. In exclusive details avalable only to SB Nation, O'Malley played "Ring of Fire" and "Redemption Song" which is I have to admit was good strategy for a guy who got up there and told America "have no fear for atomic energy." Guess Bob Marley was a all of the above type guy.
I like to call him "Mike O'Malley" because to most people hes that guy who looks vaguely familiar from TV, and if hes going to give me a exclusive hes got GUTS. On Tuesday night, O'Malley was the "lucky pierre" inbetween Lincoln Chafee and Hillary Clinton getting hit with what I can only presume was the weirdest breath, not necessarily bad, but very weird breathe from his left, and whatever comes out of a mouth that has kissed Bill Clinton for 30 years to his right. Not a enviable position for anyone.
But if O'Malley was flustered he didnt show it, or maybe he did I dunno honestly I had snuck 3 airplane minis of fireball and a flask of also fireball past secret service on like 6 different occaisions.
Strenghts: Looks like a President. Has policys. Would break the barrier of being the first President with a apostrophe in his name. Id rather have an apostrophe than a participationtrophe folks.
Weaknesses: Looks like a politician. The fact he plays guitar is ok but its a showoff instrument. I want a bass player in the white house laying down the rhthym and letting the average american take the solos. Seems like type of guy who if you kick him in the balls would kind of sit there and take it and propose goverment reforms to address the underlying reasons you were compelled to bootstomp his sack.
At any rate allthough I disagree with every policy he has, we were able to find some comomon ground right off the bat.
PFTCommenter: Governor O'Malley, good to meet you.
O'Malley: (gives me a medium firm handshake. 6/ out of 10.)
PFTC: First of all your on record that Joe Flacco is a Elite QB
O'Malley: Thats right.
PFTC: And I know that your in favor of abolishing the death penalty. Does that include for New England Patriots fans?
O'Malley: Yes(ed: Unintelligble. Think Belichick was up to some hijinx jamming my recording device. Almost have to hand it to him at this point, the guy knows how to coach.)
PFTC: Now your in favor of a two-state solution when it comes to the Israel-Palestinian conflict, correct?
O'Malley: Yes, I think its our best hope we have for a lasting peace.
PFTC: Ok, but wouldnt you say that the Washington Redskins using two states is a prime example of why that cant work?
O'Malley: I dont know.
PFTC: Practice in Virginia and play in Maryland
O'Malley: But they have a big metropolitan following. I think its actually a good example of the fact that people can come together even if there on opposite sides of a border.
PFTC: (internally) Y'know, Switzerland was pretty friendly to someone on the opposite side of there border too. Checkmate.
PFTC: (actually) Fair enough. One knock aganst you as a governor is that you dont have much foreign policy experence, so how would we trust you to determine which regions of the world we should pre-empitveley invade and destabilize?
O'Malley: (laughs, for some reason. I wasnt joking) I think we need to refrain from searching the world for monsters to destroy. (note- is O'Malley coming out as pro-monster? sounds like it to me) Look, I've travelled all around the word, and I'm not in favor of always reaching for a military intervention.
PFTC: I thought you did a very good job tonight on energy. You had a very clear plan as to how we would acheive energy independents (this in the biz is known as serving a open face shit-sandwich. Give him a compliment and then hit him with a old fashion gotcha)
O'Malley: Hey man thank you.
PFTC: But a knock against you would be that while you presided, PEPCO was the reigning monopoly in Maryland. And they were charging people for energy that they would have used had there not been outages. That would be like me charging SBNation for articles that I didnt write because I wasnt sober, or like Colin Kaepernick charging the 49ers for passes he didnt complete because hes not talented. So how can America expect to trust you moving forward on energy policy given that track record on PEPCO?
O'Malley: We actually had two major utilitys- one called BGE for the Baltimore area, then we had PEPCO for the Washington area, and then we had smaller utilities on the eastern shore SMCO in Southern Maryland, and another energy company out in Western Maryland. Three of our strategic goals were all about reducing consumption, increasing renewable energy portfolio standards, and reducing greenhouse gas in our state. And we put forward pretty kick ass plans on all three of those, some of our goals we exceeded, some we fell a little short on, but all of them we made progress on and there's more progress to come.
/Then the O'Malley Cat gets whiskered away with like 3 dozen curious journlists tailing him (these are cat references) leaving them extremely jealous that I got intervew him and they didnt. Eat it suckers.
In conclusion, O'Malley is a libturd. But I support his right to be wrong about basically everything accept his stance on Joe Flacco, and I admire the balls it took to let me intervew him. One thing I would suggest to him is to remind him that Americas dont care as much about what your saying than how you say it.
For example Donald Trump right now could get his followers to support armed government takeovers of the means of food producton if he just called our nations farmers "losers" enough times.
Or maybe O'Malley needs to focus on bringing in some less intelligent voters on his side. In a recent study, O'Malley voters were found to only make 4.6 grammatical errors per 100 words written on face book, whereas Trump clocked in at a much more robust 12.6. Maybe your voters are spending to much time editing themselves to be effective marketers for your campaign.
It’s called the White House- not the White-Out House, and if you go back and edit things you’ve written your just taking away from the original intent. Thats why the Constitution is so ambiguous about exactly when your allowed to practice religion or get congresses approval to start wars- its because they had to revise it so many times instead of just taking the very first draft with its original intent with stuff like "2nd Amendment -Guns are Fucking incredible." The Bible was never edited so why should my facebook comments be subjected to it. If its good enough for the word of God its good enough for my explanation as to why the oathkeepers should start a babysitting service.
This is my way of saying that hey O'Malley- you need to get some more aggressive voters who would be ready to go to war for you or at least design some cool profane bumper stickers with your name on it. So maybe the next time Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton start dry humping each other over how much America dosen't want her to talk about emails, get mad about it- maybe say "I got your private server right here" and grab your crotch. Get people talking.
Also, One major concern I have with O'Malley is the fact that when you google search his image this comes up:
Memo to O'Malley- I think you misunderstood when someone told you that you needed to appeal to Joe Six-Pack voters.
Memo to O'Malley, I think you took it to literal when you announced that you were going to be "running" for President. Hey O'Malley maybe you didnt get the memo but when your economic plan is to give rich guys like yourself a tax hike you dont actually have to strap on boots and climb a hill. I want my Presdent to have a layer of fat for two reasons:
1. So he doesnt go around thinking hes better then me
2. Jesus never used a gym.