We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
"Hey Chuck, cool trick play! Want to bring it to the White House?"
Chuck Pagano and Ahmed Mohammed. Both have made waves in the news recently for getting there wires crossed and designing things that are rather alarming. And they actually have alot more in common than you might think, with the exception of how they were receved by the media.
The fake punt and Ahmeds clock were both repackaged fakes that appeared to of been put together by 14-year olds in a attempt to fool Patriots. One disassembled a 1980s timepiece from Radio Shack in order to make white pepole act racist to prove that we are racist, and the other reverse engineering a play originally drawn up by Jim Zorn and somehow made it worse in its reimagining. Its like a contestant on Top Chef serving a deconstructed Uruguayan scrum-half in last chance kitchen. Yet we praise one, and villify the other for the same crime? Seems unfair.
And Mohammed gets to meet with Obama tonight for his "invention" (talk about a snoozefest,) but while Ahmed is in the White House, Pagano is in the dog house for his creativity.
Had the "snap-the-ball-directly-to-a-backup-safety-with-a-backup-WR-at-center-who-isnt-going-to-try-to-block-any-of-the-four-Patriots-licking-there-chops-with-your-offensive-line-lined-up-2-yards-off-the-line-of-scrimmiage-and-20-yards-to-the-right-of-the-QB play" actually worked, we would all be calling Pagano a genius this morning. This is no different then when Belichick tried to go for it on 4th down back in 2009 in Indy, the only difference is they had Tom Brady and Randy Moss instead of Griff Whalen and Colt Anderson. Its easy to second-guess on a play like this, but the fact is that Indianapolis actually had the balls to try something new, which is more then I can say for the Patriots who's dominance of the Colts has become more formulaic then a ACDC album.
Pagano, on the other hand keeps finding new and more enterataining ways to lose games. Whether its deactivating superstar RB Trent Richardson, or basically Trojan Horsing yourself with Swinging Gate-Gate, Pagano is the real mad sciencist, and it is precisely because of his attempts and failures that future generations of football coaches will learn exactly what not to do. See, Bill Belichick is a taker, and Pagano is a giver.
Progress can only be made via research and development- which by its very nature requires some mistakes to be made so you can learn from them. Chuck Pagano has demonstrated his commitment to contributing more then his fair share of errors in the name of Science, meanwhile Belichick, Brady, and Hernandez seem to be more focused on trials, folks.
and now on to the awards...
Road Grader of the Week: 49ers Owner, Jed York
Got to imagine Jed Yorks waking up this morning feeling extremely vindicated for the way hes handled these last 10 months. The 49ers were finally able to get over the Harbarugh hump and got complete and total revenge for Superbowl 47 as they finally beat the Ravens. Meanwhile, Jim Harbaugh is languishing away in Ann Arbor where he cant even beat a college team.
Fan of the Week: Lions Fan who got kicked out
What follows is a video of Lions Superfan/Randy Savage tribute band bass player Earl Spring. Spring and his buddy are PISSED about getting kicked out of the Lions game for standing up and cheering on third down as well they should be. But Fan of the Week dosen't go to Earl- it goes to his buddy Detroit Dan on the left.
Some dirty shit down at FFPosted by Earl Spring on Sunday, October 18, 2015
Dude is just a animal. Cold-blooded to the max just sitting there maintaining his composure while Spring delivers a solilquey for the ages. Doesnt avert his eyes, doesnt betray his emotions. Hes like Furio from the Sopranos without the ponytail. He lets Paulie run of at the mouth for a hour about how newspapers these days get to much ink on your hands or whatever and while your distracted dealing with his buddies theatrics he puts a dessert fork into the back of your spine.
You want to get your city out of bankruptcy? Put Dan across the table from the union bosses and let him stare them down til they talk themselves into lowering there salaries. Send Dan to iran and let him look the Ayatollah in the eyes and guarnetee you he's coming home with a armfull of enriched uranium and a smile on his face.
Actions>words. You cant misspell a steel gaze.
How are the New England Patriots Cheating Now?
Belichick knew what he was doing when he had this game circled on the calendars. Scheduled it for the same time as the Game 2 of the NLCS to avoid the extra scrutiny that would of come along with having a 100% focused audience.
Then the benefits from Pagano executing the worst playcall since 2nd and goal back in the Superbowl. Is it a coincidents that Belichick has benefitted from the two most boneheaded plays of the last 10 years all in the span of 8 months? I highly doubt it.
Also- the Patriots cheated on that play and they should of been flagged for illegal helmet-to-helmet hit on there QB at the time- Colt Anderson. Anderson executed the play perfectly by standing up all suprised that there dumbass center actually snapped him the ball and then ducked into the waiting shoulder pads of the Patriots defender. Should of been a easy call for the officials to make but I guess they were too busy calling the entire offensive line for being in a illegal formation and also trying not to swallow there toungues with laughter to make the correct call.
I expect to hear a apology from the league office shortly but in the meantime it looks like the Cheatriots got away with another one folks.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. I'll admit it- Kirk Cousin regressed yesterday. Threw all his INTs behind the defender instead of hitting them in stride for a TD. Gruden needs to take the traning wheels off.
Be interesting to see if Snyder makes a run at Mark Dantonio this offseason to bring in Cousins old head coach to set him up for success. Wouldnt count it out.
2. In the Resdkins/Jets matchup, both Fitzpatrick and Cousins were wearing wedding rings in a head-to-head matchup that Ive dubbed the Mono-Game.
3. The NFL justifibly shut down the @SBNation_Gif and @Deadspin twitter accounts earlier this week for illegally and malicously tweeting .gifs of NFL action. Ironic that sites like Deadspin are now attacking the commissoner for being too quick to hand down punishment when theres video evidence. Cant have it both ways gang.
4. Somone pulled the fire alarm on the Carolina Panthers Seattle hotel at 5:30 AM on Sunday morning. Unfortunateley the Seahawks didnt get the wake-up call. I dont see what the big deal is folks, with timezones the Panthers felt like it was 830 and they should of been awake anyways. But what I hypothesize is that maybe all that smoke inhalaton just made Cam Newton feel more relaxed and at home going into the game.
5. Hi, I'm Joe Flacco. I may of been careless with my ball protection as I was leading the Ravens down the field on Sunday, but when it comes to protecting you and your family from reckless drivers off the field theres only one choice for all your insurance needs
6. Big fan of Interim Head Coach Dan Campbells South Beach Offense. If you make your team beat up on each other all week there going to be licking there chops to finally hit someone new- this is basic coaching stuff. Its like when serial killers spend all there time at home torturing cats and stuff they get wrestless and progress to the neighbors house. Same type of mentality going on down in Miami.
7. Peyton Manning might finally be starting to get it folks. After like 16 years of kicking ass during the regular season and then looking like Tiny Tim with a landmine up his butt for the playoffs he's learned how a true professonal carries himself. Mannings getting all of his terrible play out of his system before the weather turns cold so he'll be operating at maximum effecency come January. Just like the Beatles became the GOATles as they evolved from a regular-season type pop-group into a Elite level band, as does Manning evolve into the next level of QB. He's becoming a Trent Dilfer-type passer in his later years- finally working smarter, not harder.
8. What was going on in Detroit yetserday? Does anyone know what a Touchdown is anymore? Its getting harder to prove a catch than it is to register to vote in America which is just a flat-out disgrace.
9. Is it just me or could Tyler Hansborough step in at QB for a majority of NFL teams right now? He's got all the characteristics of Brock Osweiler with a Tebow-like competitiveness. If Im the Panthers Im at least making a call to the Hornets to see if they'd be willing to entertain the notion. Would at least send a message to newton that maybe he should spend more of his time winning and less time grinning.
10. Big fan of Dean Blandinos Sunday attire:
This is the look of a man who hasnt been home since the night before and dosen't care if his dates mom sees him walking out of the house carrying his socks in his hand. One thing people forget about Blandino is that he was literaly a stand-up comedian before he was put in place as a spokesman for the NFL's laughable refereeing policies which is why so many people are asking "Whats the deal with the Calvin Johnson rule."
11. Jim Caldwell discovered a new level of math or something in yetserday's victory over the Bears. The Lions were down by 7 with less then three minutes left and decided to kick a 32-yd FG instead of going for a touchdown. After going down by 4, the game somehow ended up in overtime, and the Lions won.
This might be the start of a turnaround for the Lions folks. Caldwell is finally embracing his inner Caldwellness instead of trying to fight it. Instead of trying to stay medium and even-keeled, just go nuts with it Jim. Be youreself. Call timeout before a PAT. Challenge a coin-flip. Literally tweet at Peyton Manning and ask him for advice during a game. You can finally be you.
This whole time the world has been trying to put Caldwell into there little conformist box and quess what? He dosen't have to play by your rules anymore. Call me crazy but this might be the start of a coaching revoluton in the NFL folks. Its like when Tommy from the Who finally was aloud to play pinball for the first time except Tommy had a better feel for time and space then Caldwell but thats not saying he cant learn.
12. The Texas Longhorns went a season-long two weekends without getting beaten. After a impressive Red River victory over the Sooners and a bye week, many are buying stock in the Longhorns program, but not me. Is it any suprise that Texas' hot streak has come on the heels (no offense to Rex Ryan) of there beloved mascot "Bevo" falling sick and passing away? Or at least thats what were suppose to believe.
After the backbreaking loss to TCU, Strong and his cronies had run out of carrots and sticks with which to motivate the Longhorns players into earning there free education. I firmly believe that this whole "illness" and "death" was concocted as nothing more then a publicity stunt to buy Strong some more time and to motivate there players. its no different then a strength coach sneaking into the weight room overnight, trashing it, and claiming that A&Ms Chancellor/fastest livestock auctioneer broke in just to motivate them. You have to ask youreself- who stands to benefit if Bevo dies? And the answer is clear- its Charlie Strong. Same trick that Irsay played back in 2012 but was to chicken-shit to go through with it.
I am a Bevo truther. He is a live and kicking somewhere in a undisclosed location, like JFK and Hitler, being monitored by a fixer like in house of cards when they took that girl to upstate new york. This is Charlie Strongs October suprise- implementing his new five core values of deception, ruthlessness, being a fraud, lying, and brucellosis- and thereby ironically using the cover of a dead cow to prevent himself from becoming ground Chuck.
69 of the Week: Plump Daddy
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Well the Cam Newton hater-haters were out in full-force on Sunday after I justifibly called "ham" Newton out for smiling from ear-to-ear after taking advantage of a defensive lapse that aloud him to skate by with a road win. How bout some love for Greg Olson though, or at least the great job Ricky Proehls done with this no-name Wide Receving core?
Carolina continues to mow through there easy schedule, now racking up a combined 6 wins against teams that are a combined 0-6 verse the Panthers. Thats good enough for a pat on the back but just because he beat the Seahawks dosent mean he should be making more money then our brave men and women in the armed forces.
How much of his contract did he earn on Sunday? Less then our troops
Reader MailPail: It's the law of the land
Where would the nine Supreme Court justices come down on the "Is Joe Flacco a elite QB?" argument?
Great queston Matt- I reached out to them and got there takes for you:
John Roberts: What did Presdent Bush think?
Clarence Thomas: Most of Flaccos stats are meaningless because the orignal rulebook did not allow for a forward pass
Ginsberg: Old people still have sex
Kennedy: How did Roberts vote?
Sotomayor: How come there are no women Elite quarterbacks? Seems misogenistic.
Kagan: Ableism is a scourge on this nation.The federal Government should pass a law ensuring all non-Elite QBs get the same job opportuntys as Elite ones.
Breyer: the label "Elite" is irratonal and inconsequencial, designed to fill summer-time sports talk shows that are hard-pressed to discuss anything of import besides regular season baseball which, frankly, doesnt move the needle. While his salary may be high, that is merely the result of the game of football putting more emphasis on having effective play at the quarterback position, and therefore teams being less-likely to let a servicable player hit the open market. He tends to play better in big games, demonstrating value in his even-keeled, borderline blase demeanor that in turn causes people to queston and even poke fun at the idea of him being "elite" to begin with I dont know why were wasting our time here. He is a good quarterback.
Scalia: He won a superbowl.
Alito: People forget that