There's a lot that goes into being a compelling villain in a James Bond film. You need to convey cunning, heartlessness, and just a tinge of insanity, and you also have to look the part. While there are a variety of ways you can pull off the appearance of Insane Criminal Mastermind, some NFL owners are better suited to be Bond villains than other. We rank them by that metric below.
1. Stan Kroenke, St. Louis
Absolutely looks like he has a retractable floor in his office with a pit of acid underneath it. Picture a tanker driving into a secure military facility with KROENKE CHEMICAL on the side of it. Ol' 007 is for sure following that truck and finding out Stan Kroenke's been selling the Army mind control gas that only he can control.
2. Zygi Wilf, Minnesota
"Do you expect me to vote for a new stadium, Wilfstache?"
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to subsidize!"
3. Jim Irsay, Indianapolis
Falls more into the "deranged killer with an old grudge" category of Bond villains. Probably has some weird physical attribute like the inability to bleed.
4. Jerry Richardson, Carolina
U.S. Senator who's actually third in command for a major international terrorist group.
5. Mike Brown, Cincinnati
Secretary of the Interior who's actually sixth in command for a major international terrorist group.
6. Arthur Blank, Atlanta
Arthur Blank looks like the Bond villain with a scheme that's purely focused on making him super-rich rather than fulfilling some sociopolitical goal. He'd build a bomb that disabled every airplane in the world and then charge crazy prices for cruise ship tickets.
7. Jeffrey Lurie, Philadelphia
Turns out to be a former Soviet general who stole a shipping container full of missiles, but it turns out none of them work.
8. Malcolm Glazer(?), Tampa Bay
"Hey!" you're saying. "Malcolm Glazer passed away over a year ago!" You're right, but the Buccaneers still list him as Owner/President on THEIR OWN WEBSITE. So until the franchise denies it, I have to assume there's a possibility Glazer faked his own death, which is a very Bond villain thing to do.
9. Bob McNair, Houston
10. Amy Adams Strunk, Tennessee
11. Jerry Jones, Dallas
12. Steve Bisciotti, Baltimore
13. Stephen Ross, Miami
14. Dan Snyder, Washington
"We're not so different, Mr. Bond. And if you say we are, I will sue you for slander."
15. Jimmy Haslam, Cleveland
Would be higher on this list had he not already bungled a criminal conspiracy. Or had he aimed higher than "bilking truck drivers."
16. Pat Bowlen, Denver
17. Martha Ford, Detroit
She's 90 years old, but consider that a) her nickname in college was "Stoney" and b) she got a wedding gift from J. Edgar Hoover. I would advise you against crossing her unless you're a highly-trained secret agent.
18. Green Bay Packers Inc., Green Bay
Think about it. Isn't a faceless corporation, with no figurehead leader to take down per se, the most terrifying enemy Bond could face? He wouldn't even know who to go after.
19. Bob Kraft, New England
A little too cuddly to be the perfect Bond villain. Could easily be Ambassador-who-doesn't-realize-he's-had-a-double-agent-working-for-him-the-whole-time, though.
20. John Mara/Steve Tisch, New York Giants
Yeah, can't really see either one being the primary villain. Though this situation is plausible:
ASSISTANT SECRETARY TISCH: Mr. Bond, on your last mission you destroyed $35 million worth of government property, including a congressman's personal residence.
JAMES BOND: They shouldn't call it the House of Representatives if it doesn't have a bed.
ASSISTANT SECRETARY MARA: Your methods are unacceptable, Bond. The CIA will no longer support your endeavors on American soil.
21. Tom Benson, New Orleans
Tom Benson is old and not in great health, but if you don't think a Louisiana billionaire can orchestrate a plot to put rum in the U.S. water supply from a hospital bed, you're very wrong.
22. Bill Bidwill, Arizona
Definite rogue nuclear scientist vibe going on here.
23. Alex Spanos, San Diego
It's just so hard to see San Diego being the source of a major plot threatening world peace. If the Chargers move to Los Angeles, Spanos probably jumps into the teens or so.
24. Shahid Khan, Jacksonville
Entirely too smiley to be an effective Bond villain. He'd capture 007 and then offer him a turkey sandwich.
25. Robert Wood Johnson IV, New York Jets
Entirely too comfortable wearing a baseball hat with a suit and tie, which is the least menacing look possible in the business world.
26. Clark Hunt, Kansas City
JAMES BOND RETURNS IN: THE DAD WITH THE GOLDEN LEAF BLOWER
27. Jed York, San Francisco
Doesn't look capable of organizing a particularly interesting game of Risk.
28. Paul Allen, Seattle
Not even the most maniacal executive in the Microsoft family.
29. Virginia Halas McCaskey, Chicago
A real Bond villain would have put Jay Cutler to death in an incredibly elaborate and painful fashion by now. Wait, that might explain Chicago's offensive line.
30. Dan Rooney, Pittsburgh
31. Kim & Terry Pegula, Buffalo
The Pegulas look like the nicest people! (And James Bond would be miserable in upstate New York.)
32. Mark Davis, Oakland