clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile
SBNation.com homepage

Filed under:

England travel tips for the Dolphins and Jets from someone who has never been there for parole reasons

106 NFL players are doing a reverse British invasion this weekend. Here are some travel tips to help them get by.

By PFT Commenter

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Its the most magical time of the NFL season. The week when we get to have London Games, which will translate into 15 consecutive hours of NFL football. Sports bars in America should open up early serving english breakfasts which to my understanding is just swallowing whatever teeth happened to fall out while you were asleep.

NFL teams arent the most travelled folks in the world on account of this isnt the NBA, so here are some helpfull hints and tips for the Jets and Dolphins as they begin there weekend in England.

  • For the first time when someone asks you if you liked "Travelling a broad," there not asking how many instangram models you flew in.
  • Hopefully the Tannehills will have receved a exemtption in order to bring there camoflauge AR-15 overseas just in case there needed to stop the nations third mass shooting in literaly the last 27 years.
  • After the inevtable Dolphins loss, team owner Stephen Ross could fire Joe Philbin in internatonal airspace on the way back and recuse himself of any obligatons to pay him the remainder of the contract.
  • Or, if they charter a boat back home, Ross could accuse him of mutiny for losing the locker room and just throw him overboard which would probably be a cleaner break for all partys moving forward
  • If your the Jets keep in mind that just because someone someone calls you "governor" on the way to the game doesnt give you the authorty to close down Tower Bridge.
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Oxford
  • The Jets tried to bring their own toilet paper with them which seems wasteful but if you had 80 copies of Marty Morninwhigs old playbooks you'd look for any excuse to use them too.
  • Expect Queen Elizabeth to declare Revis Island property of the UK just because one local offical threw a flag on it.
  • You drive on the wrong side of the road there so Ndamukong Suh and Sheldon Richardson have helpfully volunteered to drive the team busses.
  • If your the Dolphins, you literaly dont have to declare the DraftKings value of your runningbacks when going through customs.
  • "Chips" actually means "fries" so you need to coach Dion Jordan to prepare answers when he's asked if he thinks Crisp Kelly is a racist.
  • Many English fans might not be accustomed to such a low scoring game of football.
  • Ndamukong Suh has seven tackles this year. Seven. Richard Reid had more success in bringing down a Jet in London then Suh will.
  • Make sure to bring your own equipment from home. Trying to purchase a mouthgaurd in London is like looking for a store that sells slim fast in Houston.
  • The Dolphins are experenced travelers. They already went to London in 2014 so they 'll know better than to waste an afternoon trying to double Decker. Bad news for Brandon Marshall owners.
  • Ryan Tannehill took the bait in the notorously bad English media, and was asked to make a sound like a Dolphin:

This is not something a starting Quaterback should do folks. If your using echolocation all your telling me is that your nothing more than a sub. Completely beneath him.

  • You know who else sent a bunch of Jets and subs over to London? Hitler. Not a good look for Goodell if we're looking at this from a historical perspective.

* * *

Next Up In NFL