We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Lets take a moment to consider the last two seasons in Philadelphia. Chip Kelly has taken a offense that was a literal points factory and turned it into the most hapless football operation this side of Cleveland. Instead of installing some new wrinkeles, they've struggled to iron out all the kinks, and the offense looks- you guessed it- anemic.
Theres only one possibilty here- Chip Kelly is intentionally screwing over the entire Eagles organization and the Philadelphia metropoliotain area. Now a lot of people would point out that Philadelphia is perhaps the most deserving fanbase in terms of who should get screwed over the most, and they'd be right. The city's largest contribution to scoiety is a constitution that openly admitted that it was wrong and would need to be changed infinity times in the future except for the 2nd amendment. Since 1782, Philadelphia has accomplished the following things: had consistantly terrible weather, confused people who try to drive in it, and lost the nations capital to a swamp that was built on a area that is most known for producing the worlds largest supply of Washington Redskins fans. Bang up job Philly.
But I dont mean to insult the entire city its just that at the very least I would of expected a town full of swindlers and con artists to udnerstand when your getting a fast one pulled on you. But hey I guess Im not shocked that Philly residents wouldnt understand what it felt like to get taken to the cleaners, or taking a bath. The fact is that Chip Kelly is milking your town for all that its worth, and I almost have to admire him for it. He has figured out a dirty secret of NFL coaches- you dont have to be good at your job to make money off of a particularly unintelligent fanbase no offense.
LeSean McCoy would agree that Chips offseason purges of "all the good black players" was basically a Springtime for Hitler scenario. Hell the only difference between the Eagles and the Producers is at least in The Producers they were able to run a damn play every now and then.
Anyone whose ever paid attention to a professional football game can tell you that Chip Kelly is up to something fishy this season. His sideline demeanor is approximately that of "man who is attending funeral of his wife's co-workers uncle" and if you look closely at his play-call sheet its just a lamanated Utz bag. He either hates his defense, or he has schoolboy crushes on all of them they way he keeps them on the field in front of him at all times. I'm not sure which one it is but I will get back to you on this. His only win comes against the Jets and only because Brandon Marshall out Chip-Kelly'd Chip Kelly,
You dont just lose to the Redskins, you either have to actively sabotage yourself intentionally or be coached by Jeff Fisher.
Sam Bradford and Mark Sanchez as the worlds' shittiest ying and yang of quaterbacks- one who is incredibly talented with zero confidence and one who is incredibly confident with zero talent. I cant think of which one Id rather sit through a natural disaster with less. Bradford would just curl up into a ball and fall into a sinkhole with allmost a sense of relief that it was all over, and Sanchez would strap on tactical polarized yellow glasses way to soon and get himself ran over by a emergency repsonse paddywagon that he was trying to stop to check for its proper law enforcement certifications. Not the guys you hire when your trying to get past the wild card round either.
If you use the argument that if you were Chip Kelly and you wanted to destroy the entire Eagles organization, what would you have done that is any different from what Chip Kelly has done in the last 2 years, I doubt that you could find any diffrences whatsoever besides the fact that you could make the argument that he should of brought back McNabb to run the teams social media accounts.
Kellys Eagles have gone through more changes then the University of Oregon wardrobe over the last 2 seasons. Couple theories I'm working on here:
1. He's a false flag agent employed by Dan Snyder designed to make his hiring of Jay Gruden appear competent.
2. Hes just trying to get a huge buyout and trade spots at Notre Dame with his brother Brian.
3. He''s a elf thats hellbent on revenge against Eagles fans for there mistreatment of Santa Claus
The bottom line is that Chip kelly has been intentionally sabotaging the Eagles for the last 2 years in a effort to get his contract bought out so he can speed away from that rowhouse hellscape in a Mazda convertable with one hand in the air giving the bird to the Eagles front office, and return to New Hampshire to live out the rest of his life as a reclusive offensive hermit coaching high school like J.V. Sallinger
Road Grader of the Week: Jay Cutler
Dont look now but the Chicago Bears are circling the wagons. Tight End Martellus Bennet was ecstatic after their 22-20 win over the Raiders and decided to let everyone know just how glad they were to have there QB back:
"They threw rocks at Jesus, & Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff."
Stop me if this sounds familar, but there 32-year old leader is just now coming into his own, getting ready to resurect himself and his merry band of cast-offs. You know I recall another guy named JC that was fed to the Lions unfairly.
The Bears are 1-0 since Cutlers return and Im officially starting the Jay Cutler Christ watch 2015,
Fan of the Week: Belly Man
On behalf of everyone in the entire nation that bet on the Saints to cover a 3 point spread last night I owe this guy the naming rights to my first born son which he may or may not currently be carrying in his womb. Its so easy to get inside the head of a kicker, they are the only professon in the history of the world that gets worse at their job the most time you give them to prepare for it. Have you ever heard of "icing" a lawyer, or "giving the President too much time to think about it" before calling in a drone strike? Doesn't happen.
There has been a renewal of one of the greatest debates of our, or any other generation recently: Are kickers football players?
The answer, despite the fact that they are members of the NFL Players Association, and play the highest scoring position in the game of football professionally, is a resounding "no." If a kicker was a football player they would get arrested at a level commensurate with that of there peers. If a kicker was a football player they would be strong men with big muscles . If a kicker was a football player they would of been able to stand up for themselves when I shot a tweetie into there eye on the team bus home from a game I didnt play in.
A kickers job is so easy they have a 95% success rate. That means that if there any good, they should make it 100% of the time.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Is it me or have kickers been hitting the uprights at a alamringly high rate. Sees like the only person whose having worse luck with his posts is Darren Rovell.
2. The injury bug continues to bite the Cowboys. When your healtiest offensive threat is literally Darren McFadden I just dont see you winnning more then 10 games in the NFC East this year.
3. Before the MNF game, Cowboys pat-time linebacker Sean Lee gave a stirring intervew with Michelle Tafoya, but you couldnt help but notice he had stitches on his lip that made me think about herpes. It got me wondering what we're doing to protect journalists and fans from players in the event there walking around spraying as many simplexes of STDs as they have sidechicks. At the combine in addition to drug tests they should give each player a STD panel or at least the ones from Florida. Just my take. If you think leaked wonderlic scores make for exciting offseason NFL news wait til you find out that Jamies Winston tested positive for crabs.
4. If the NFL is such a innovation league why do I have to come up with all the best ideas for new coaching stratgies. For example, if a team on defense backed up to there own 1 yard line on first and goal with only 15 minutes left untill the next football game is slated to start airing on TV, whats to stop them from continously jumping offsides and getting penalized halfway the distance to the goal? Jockums razor says that the other team will never ever score and you can just keep doing it until the other coach gets so frustrated that he quits. Seems like something Belichick might be cooking up over the bye week- will have to tune in next week to confirm.
5. Ndamukong Suh picked up right where he left off with his underwhelming season, but he might of played himself into his next contract allready as Scouts from Chelsea were impressed with his number of missed tackles.
6. Fireman Ed came out of retirement for the London game. Hes got it al wrong folksif he wants to show the English how to cheer for a winner he should be an ex-Jet fan not a exPatriot.
7. Feels like I say this every year but when is the NFL gonig to acknowledge all its fans who DONT have breast cancer?
8. Not to brag but the StrongTakes store has been open for just over amonth so I sent the first donation in to the Boston University center for studying CTE in a effort to assist them in confirming that traumatic brain injury's dont actually exist. 10% of all profits from sales of my dumb t-shirts go to them so Im sending in my first payment today. Thank you for your service to everyone whose bought one.
9. Ive been a Jags fan for two weeks and I honestley dont know how you guys do it.
10. Mike Allstott got inducted into the Tampa Bay Bucs ring of fame which has got to be like the actual size of a ring. Frankly its about time that he got in. All those who were lucky enough to attend received a literal Gritcoin to commemorate the induction.
11. The Miami Dolphins have fired Head Coach Joe Philbin and are expected to name a interim head coach who will likely go on to be worse then Joe Philbin was. Feel like the interim Head Coaching gig is one of the sweetest jobs you can land. Its basicaly the Vice President of coaching jobs. There are absoluteley no expectations, and no matter how poorly you do, you've associated your brand with the position of head coach so at least your going to get some interviews further down the line.
The NFL has readched such a point of specializtion that I'm shocked we don't have guys who specialize in strictly being interim head coaches. Like I could see Tom Cable and Mike Singleterry setting up a consultancy where they just get hired to storm into the locker room, light the old coaches office on fire and hire a ashphalt finisher to run over the entire set of helmets the team wore in all there losses, steer the ship back to a respectable 5-11 finish and then walk away with a few hundred grand in there pockets from a 5 month gig to go blow on a 3 month Vegas bender.
12. Anyone suprised to see Danny Woodhead helping his Chargers to victory on Sunday? Me and Danny are "best friends" according to Danny, and he expereienced what many in the industry are calling "The PFTC Push" after appearing on the inaugural epsode of "The Steamroom" my radio show on SiriusXM last Thursday. Dannys a Sunday Driver alright, and he did his job in the passing game and then pulled over to the right lane to let the Lambo take it over the finish line for the Chargers. Tough to say whether Danny was more gritty or humble in his postgame comments but I'll let you decide:
While the gritty running back was once again praised for his performance on Sunday, Woodhead was unsurprisingly humble as he lauded the rest of his teammates.
"Whoever is on the roster, we trust. Coach always says, ‘Next man up,’ and we believe that.
Just an incredible amount of gets it on display right there. So refreshing to see players ackowledge team mates instead of quote explicity rap lyrics and celebrating a sack using a sexual dance move that has no business anywhere in the landscape of professonal sports. Keep it clean knuckleheads.
69 of the Week:
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Great job Cam. Beat up on the Bucaneers and adding to the craziest stat of the 2015 (non-Chiefs WR touchdown division): The Carolina Panthers are now undefeated, but there 4 wins have come against teams that are a combined 0-4 against the Carolina Panthers.
This all changes starting next week as the Cats begin a 4-week schedule that includes games verse the Seahawks, Packers, and Colts, teams that are led by quarterbacks who worry more about winning than grinning. The fact that Newtons padding his stats right now by essentially committing child abuse against Winston, Bortles, Mallet and McCown tells me that hes like a squirrel saving up all these acorns before the storm hits- winter is coming and he knows it. If he wants to live like a king he better learn to save like a beggar. So for his own good the Panthers should conficscate most of his salary until he can prove that he's ready for the responsibility of earning his money.
How much of his contract did he earn on Sunday? Couple bucks to get him through the week
Internet Commenter of the Week:
i was reading about some porn actor who died and a guy left this comment pic.twitter.com/crQnLjodGQ— raandy (@randygdub) October 2, 2015
Reader MailPail: Tebow to Texans?>??
Why havent the Texans signed quarterback tim Tebow yet??? He won a bunch of games in the preseason when less guys were injured so really it's better then the reguler season and every1 knows he was the bet college qb A.D. I'll wait. But also my two ideas r that they're worried about Tim and JJ watt literally expiring in the weight room because they both wanna be last out or because the media would rather have Tebow as a broadcaster which makes them look cooler IMHO.
How high up do you think this goes?
Good point. If you got JJ and TT in the same gym at the same time you would quite literally have a used-car-sale scenario where the two guys would refuse to be the last ones to take there hands off the squat rack. My guess is you'll never see this since Texans head coach O'Brien just got out of Penn State and knows a legal liability concern when he sees one.