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SB Nation's 2015 MLB postseason predictions

Even though the Yankees or Cardinals will probably win, we tried to predict the postseason anyway.

I mean, you really never know what's gonna happen in the wild MLB Postseason, it's a real crapshoot
I mean, you really never know what's gonna happen in the wild MLB Postseason, it's a real crapshoot
Rick Yeatts/Getty Images

Hello. When you enter my name into Google, the search field auto-suggests "World Series predictions." As far as I know, I'm the only person in the world who can claim this. This is because my predictions are usually right, and you should take some money out of your 401(k) to gamble with them.

Wait, don't, stop, my predictions are terrible, too, do not gamble on anything ever, sorry.

Sixteen different SB Nation writers, editors and other ne'er-do-wells spent an average of 17 seconds on the following predictions, which is about 12 seconds too many. Of the 10 postseason teams, only six of them were predicted to win the World Series. Which means one of the four teams left out will win. And one of those teams is the Yankees. You see what's going to happen here, don't you?

We're sorry. We're very, very sorry.

Here are the predictions. If you're interested, I'll explain my methods after the tables.

Name AL Wild Card Game NL Wild Card Game
Joon Lee Astros Cubs
Ashley Varela Yankees Pirates
Catherine Slonksnis Astros Pirates
Marc Normandin Astros Pirates
Kurt Mensching Astros Cubs
Demetrius Bell Astros Cubs
James Dator Astros Pirates
Ryan Van Bibber Yankees Pirates
Seth Rosenthal Yankees Pirates
Kevin McCauley Astros Cubs
Mark Hinog Yankees Cubs
Bill Hanstock Astros Pirates
Eric Stephen Astros Pirates
Matt Collins Yankees Pirates
Grant Brisbee Yankees Pirates
Justin Bopp Yankees Cubs

Name ALDS 1 (Blue Jays/Rangers) ALDS 2 (Royals/Wild Card winner)
Joon Lee Blue Jays Royals
Ashley Varela Blue Jays Royals
Catherine Slonksnis Blue Jays Royals
Marc Normandin Blue Jays Royals
Kurt Mensching Blue Jays Astros
Demetrius Bell Blue Jays Royals
James Dator Rangers Royals
Ryan Van Bibber Blue Jays Royals
Seth Rosenthal Rangers Royals
Kevin McCauley Blue Jays Astros
Mark Hinog Blue Jays Yankees
Bill Hanstock Blue Jays Royals
Eric Stephen Blue Jays Astros
Matt Collins Blue Jays Royals
Grant Brisbee Rangers Royals
Justin Bopp Blue Jays Royals

Name NLDS 1 (Dodgers/Mets) NLDS 2 (Cardinals/Wild Card winner)
Joon Lee Mets Cardinals
Ashley Varela Mets Cardinals
Catherine Slonksnis Mets Cardinals
Marc Normandin Mets Pirates
Kurt Mensching Mets Cardinals
Demetrius Bell Mets Cardinals
James Dator Mets Cardinals
Ryan Van Bibber Dodgers Cardinals
Seth Rosenthal Mets Cardinals
Kevin McCauley Dodgers Cubs
Mark Hinog Mets Cubs
Bill Hanstock Dodgers Cardinals
Eric Stephen Dodgers Pirates
Matt Collins Dodgers Pirates
Grant Brisbee Dodgers Pirates
Justin Bopp Mets Cardinals

Name ALCS NLCS World Series
Joon Lee Blue Jays Cardinals Blue Jays
Ashley Varela Blue Jays Cardinals Blue Jays
Catherine Slonksnis Blue Jays Mets Blue Jays
Marc Normandin Blue Jays Pirates Blue Jays
Kurt Mensching Blue Jays Cardinals Cardinals
Demetrius Bell Blue Jays Cardinals Cardinals
James Dator Rangers Cardinals Cardinals
Ryan Van Bibber Royals Cardinals Cardinals
Seth Rosenthal Royals Cardinals Cardinals
Kevin McCauley Blue Jays Cubs Cubs
Mark Hinog Blue Jays Cubs Cubs
Bill Hanstock Blue Jays Dodgers Dodgers
Eric Stephen Blue Jays Dodgers Dodgers
Matt Collins Blue Jays Dodgers Dodgers
Grant Brisbee Royals Pirates Pirates
Justin Bopp Royals Mets Royals

Joon Lee Jose Bautista John Lackey Edwin Encarnacion
Ashley Varela Munenori Kawasaki Munenori Kawasaki Munenori Kawasaki
Catherine Slonksnis Troy Tulowitzki Yoenis Cespedes David Price
Marc Normandin Marcus Stroman Andrew McCutchen David Price
Kurt Mensching David Price Jason Heyward Yadier Molina
Demetrius Bell Troy Tulowitzki Jason Heyward :( Yadier Molina
James Dator Prince Fielder John Lackey The Cardinal Way
Ryan Van Bibber Lorenzo Cain [Seth's dad] Trevor Rosenthal The Cardinal Way
Seth Rosenthal Bip Roberts stop it I said Larry Walker and I mean it Bip Roberts
Kevin McCauley Josh Donaldson Kris Bryant Kris Bryant
Mark Hinog Kanye Kanye Kanye
Bill Hanstock Troy Tulowitzki Clayton Kershaw Zack Greinke
Eric Stephen David Price Zack Greinke Clayton Kershaw
Matt Collins Edwin Encarnacion Clayton Kershaw Adrian Gonzalez
Grant Brisbee Salvador Perez Gerrit Cole Starling Marte
Justin Bopp Eric Hosmer Yoenis Cespedes Eric Hosmer
Rule No. 1 of predicting the postseason: Pick a very strong team, and have them lose in the first round

The Blue Jays are rolling. They have the best team, clearly. And even Rangers fans would admit that their team's roster is one of the weakest in the field. Using expected records, the Blue Jays are 19 games better than the Rangers. That's just about the same difference between expected records that separates the Rangers and the Phillies.

This is basically the Rangers vs. the Phillies. You know which team you would pick in a best-of-five series. Except the Rangers are the Phillies, and the Blue Jays are the Rangers. It's a total mismatch.

Baseball doesn't care.

Rule No. 2: The Cardinals are always in the NLCS

I screwed that up because Rule No. 3 superseded this one.

Rule No. 3: If you had one of the teams as your preseason pick, you are bound by law to keep them as your pick right before the postseason

I had the Pirates and Angels in the World Series, with the Pirates winning. I have to keep that. By law. Even if Jake Arrieta is a man-monster who will consume them whole and be powered by their consciousness and pain.

Rule No. 4: The Yankees will always break the hearts of a long-suffering team if given the chance

Here is their chance. The Astros are the better team. Baseball doesn't care.

Rule No. 5: You will be wrong

Happy predicting! Dummy.