SB Nation's 2015 MLB postseason predictions

Hello. When you enter my name into Google, the search field auto-suggests "World Series predictions." As far as I know, I'm the only person in the world who can claim this. This is because my predictions are usually right, and you should take some money out of your 401(k) to gamble with them.

Wait, don't, stop, my predictions are terrible, too, do not gamble on anything ever, sorry.

Sixteen different SB Nation writers, editors and other ne'er-do-wells spent an average of 17 seconds on the following predictions, which is about 12 seconds too many. Of the 10 postseason teams, only six of them were predicted to win the World Series. Which means one of the four teams left out will win. And one of those teams is the Yankees. You see what's going to happen here, don't you?

We're sorry. We're very, very sorry.

Here are the predictions. If you're interested, I'll explain my methods after the tables.

Rule No. 1 of predicting the postseason: Pick a very strong team, and have them lose in the first round

The Blue Jays are rolling. They have the best team, clearly. And even Rangers fans would admit that their team's roster is one of the weakest in the field. Using expected records, the Blue Jays are 19 games better than the Rangers. That's just about the same difference between expected records that separates the Rangers and the Phillies.

This is basically the Rangers vs. the Phillies. You know which team you would pick in a best-of-five series. Except the Rangers are the Phillies, and the Blue Jays are the Rangers. It's a total mismatch.

Baseball doesn't care.

Rule No. 2: The Cardinals are always in the NLCS

I screwed that up because Rule No. 3 superseded this one.

Rule No. 3: If you had one of the teams as your preseason pick, you are bound by law to keep them as your pick right before the postseason

I had the Pirates and Angels in the World Series, with the Pirates winning. I have to keep that. By law. Even if Jake Arrieta is a man-monster who will consume them whole and be powered by their consciousness and pain.

Rule No. 4: The Yankees will always break the hearts of a long-suffering team if given the chance

Here is their chance. The Astros are the better team. Baseball doesn't care.

Rule No. 5: You will be wrong

Happy predicting! Dummy.