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FanDuel and DraftKings will cause the next Great Depression

This is not an exaggeration

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Daily Fantasy Sports is just getting over their Ray Rice/Adrian Peterson week, and I am pretty excited to be watching it all crash and burn. Why? You might ask-

Well for one am sick of all these damn FanDuel and DraftKings commercials that have taken over my ESPN radio. There disgusting. There patronzing. I very much look forward to the return of the ads for  pyramid schemes and illegal debt collectors posing as tax attorneys. Those Daily Fantasy promotions are nothing more then an earsore.

The idea that people can go online, predict wether or not a player or team will perform well over a given amount of time, and potentally reap profits from accuratley forcasting their production is against everything America stands for.

I was looking at my Scottrade account yetserday and realized that if daily fantasy had never existed in the first place I would have more money to invest in penny stocks and repackaged mislabled bundled subpirme mortgages. Win-win for everybody including the economy. But like I always hear people say- pigs get fed ,and hogs get slaughtered. Theres a reason that Enron avoided any and all regulation untill they put their name on the side of a stadium and a couple dumb-ass Texan Security and Exhange investigators got the brillant idea to maybe check in on how this company made enough money to put up a sign that got hit with a foul ball a couple times a week. If Merril Lynch and Lehman Brothers had in-show segments on Baseball Tonight and a centerfold in My Pet Goat, maybe the whole financial collapse could of been avoided.

All it would of taken on the part of DraftKings and FanDuel to stay off attorney generals radar screen is just if they had selectively advertised during Jaguars and Rams games only. Youd hit your target demo of people who care alot about football without needing to see a return on their investment, but you keep your profile low enough so that any intelligent football fans never realize you exist.

Take a simple look back through the history books and you will quickly start to realize that Daily Fantasy sports are what brought down empires like the Greeks, whose everyone-gets-to-play attitude led to 5,000 of them getting sent home and embarassed while 300 Elite spartans protected their homeland for them. Then the Romans went belly up doing daily fantasy stuff because it was so hard to entice anyone to take action against the Lions, and yes even central Europe circa 1940 when certain types of German citizens were statistically undervalued, and the US & Russias all-inclusive drafting strategy proved to be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who has ever read Histories.

The main problem with Daily Fantasy sports is that if you're not good at it, then you tend to lose more often then you win. Thats called ablism and it discriminates against people who are dumb enough to play daily fantasy sports.

The following other things should also be regulated by the government:

1. Claw machines

2. Flower companys that you use to send bouquets to women who end up not going out with you

3. Pogs/Pencil fights

4. Me walking up to strangers and asking if I can play in there craps game

5. Any business that allows me to make purchases while I'm drunk

Before Daily Fantasy Football, dumb young football fans were repsonsible with their money and would spend it on things like upgrading to tankless water heaters and growing a garden to save on future produce purchases. We were the new middle class, then FanDuel and DraftKings came around with promises of gambling on sports and before you know it we're basically back in another great depression because average fans arent making as much money as professonals.

As if there business practices arent shady enough they also have been launcing a all-out carpet-bombing of my television- invading what was previously an ad-free zone. How dare these companies invade my prevously sacrisanct moments of reflection and meditation during NFL commercial breaks and in the 6 hour prelude to football starting on Sundays? Those times should be reserved for Chris Berman giving birth out of his mouth to a gremlin when he's pronouncing the word "Raiders" and 4.5 hours of Terry Bradshaw pretending to udnerstand someones joke.

In the past, the NFL advertisement ecosystem maintained perfect homeostasis with there back to back commercials for beers and viagara- almost a vertical monopoly cradle-to-grave solution structure for erectile dysfunction. Youd also have your truck commercial followed back by a contrite BP ad saying "no offense" for the whole deepwater horizon snafu. It made for tremendous theater with the drama and the anticipation that at times would almost overshadow the games themselves. It was the circle of life, but the only thing cyclical about FanDuel and DraftKings is that they took us all for a ride folks.

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SB Nation presents: FanDuel vs. DraftKings -- whoever wins, it won't be you