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Ben Carson would not abort Baby Hitler

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Mark Wilson/Getty Images

MILWAUKEE -- The Tuesday night debate in Milwaukee was a far cry from the first three. It relied way too much on facts about the economy, boring tax plans, and how to decide which Middle Eastern countrys we should commit ground forces to; and way too little on Donald Trump basically telling Jeb his butt smelled and that his face looks stupid and his mom dosent' love him. It was like going to a Garth Brooks concert where hes only playing Chris Gaines songs.

But depsite the fact that there were no vagina jokes, there were still clear winners and losers. And we learned alot about alot of the candidates, perhaps none moreso than Dr. Ben Carson, whose extremely weird past hasnt been discussed nearly enough in the media recentley:

Winner: Ben Carson and Baby Hitler

Carson had a rough week. Cant be seen as being weak on committing murders.Trump said Carson would of improved in the polls if he had actually stabbed that guy and he's right to a extent. Deciding which people should continue to get killed, stop getting killed, or start to be killed is basicaly half of your job as President. Say what you want about Jim Webbs uncouth, creepy, demented performance in the Democratic debate but at least the man had the balls to actually kill the guy he was trying to attack instead of just letting treatable diseases do his dirty work for him.

Dr. Carsons quite strong on health care and he's won a lot of support because of his promiss to eliminate Obamacare, Medicare, and Medicaid federal programs-terminating health insurance from 7 million Americans and thereby saving them from goverment run death-panels who might take away there insurance.

But where Carson truly shines is on his knowledge of Nazi Germany. Ive maintained that the Democrats ran in 2008 and 2012 aganst the Bush legacy, and the Republicans are taking that one step better by running in 2016 against Hitler. Its not a bad strategy. Who's gonna vote for the last guy loser in the game of musical chairs of who hasnt compared our government to Nazis, not me.

Perhaps the staunchest anti-Hitler Canidate thus far has been Dr. Ben Carson. Carson is on record as saying that maybe if the Jewish people in Nazi Germany had had hunting rifles they would of been able to overpower the German standing army. Well at least he was the most Anti-Hitler untill last week.

Jeb Bush was asked about the New York Times Magazine question that posed "If you could go back and kill Hitler as a baby, would you do it?" His answer was a emphatic "Hell yeah I would" that was in no way designed to make him look tough in front of his cooler friend Donald Trump. Nonetheless, Bush took the lead as the most anti-Hitler candidate for about 30 hours, but with all that Carson had been through with the media asking him unfair questons from his "gotcha" autobiography I wanted to toss him a softball. So I asked him, "as the most anti-Hitler, but also the most anti- abortion candidate, would you ABORT baby Hitler?"

Ben Carson- soft on Hitler folks. But a man of his convictions.

Then the libtard Washington Post tried to steal my scoop and used pejortive language to talk down about my attire:

Typical "gotcha" media not telling the whole story. Yes I was wearing a cut-off tshirt but i was also wearing a blazer and cowboy boots with 6 airplane bottles of fireball stashed in them this is not a exaggeration. So much for your "journlism" I guess.

Winners: Illegal Immigrants

Trump likely won over the entire undocumented worker demographic tonight. If Im a ilegal immigrant the first thing Im doing is starting a SUPERPAC for Donald Trump because if the American public has reached the point where there willing to elect him as President, then Im getting the hell out the United States so might as well make it a free ride.

Loser: Jeb Bush

I wanted to see SOMETHING cool out of Jeb tonight. Hes had a rough couple weeks so I was hoping like maybe he could of updated us on his fantasy team or told us about the cooking class hes taking or whatever, but instead all we got was Trump talking about him like he wasnt there while Jeb basicaly acted like there was a large dude in a bar hitting on his wife.

I'll leave it to Politico who had probabley the best take on Bush

Perfect analogy. Jeb is Peyton Manning. Looks great on paper, big forehead, and his dumbass looking brother has two championships.

Loser: Me

The Candidates have been conspicoulsy silent about both ethics in video games journalism and net neutralty, so I tried to ask Donald Trump if hed ever watched internet porn but was shouted down by the other hundred journalists. I'll work harder to nail him down on this one later folks. As punishment for myself I ran the stadium stairs inside the UMW Panther baseketball court. (TIm Tebow voice)You will never see a reporter outwork me again. Gotta do better next time I take full responsblity. God bless.

Winner: The Iraq War

What a competitor. The Iraq war has taken on brutal assaults from John McCain, John Kerry, Obama, Hillary Clinton ever since 2010, and every current GOP canidate- and its still standing. Got to take your hat off to the reslicancy of that war. People keep giving it bulletin board material but it just puts its head down and takes care of busness.Can a military campaign be elected President? If the war in Iraq and Syria were President theres no way Putin would ever mess with us.

One thing that totally baffles me is how everyone in politics has flip flopped on whether the war is good. They started out loving it and now they just want things back the way they use to be. Its like the complete opposite of when Packers fans booed when they drafted Aaron Rogers. 10 years ago all this anti-Iraq stuff would of gotten them kicked off the stage for being pussies. Especally embarassing for Bush, because if my brother even got into a fistfight I would be the first one in throwing haymakers, and Jeb Bush spent the entire Iraq discusson basically standing on the perimeter with his cellphone out yelling "Worldstar."

Loser: John Kasich

Im a small government guy through and through. Thats why I was so disspointed when Kasichs immigration plan didnt require armed goverment agents kidnapping people from there homes and bussing them at gunpoint out of the country.

No one cares: Rand Paul

Kasich and Paul seemed to do a great job but there main problems are that they rely too much on policy and not enough on making fun of other opponets wives or insinuating that the moderators might be on there period. Bad advice from their campaign people. Rand is a isolationist and the Jakob Dylan of his family which is perfect because he wants America to be a wallflower.

Winner: Rubio

Rubios got his opponets running scared after he showed his teeth to Jeb at the last debate which was basicaly like a yellow lab growling at a stray cat with FIV. Moderators were clearly scared as well as they refused to grill him on the bombshell New York Times reports that he got a bunch of speeding tickets and spent to much money on his credit cards one time. Cant wait to see what story Hilary will plant next about him like maybe hes got some overdue library books , or they can blow the whole lid of this thing with pillowtag-gate.

Winner: Donald Trump

Gotta say, the one part of the debate where Trump really kicked ass was on immigraton. He could of gone a bit further on his wall talk though, and remind us that we cant have a border if we dont have a wall and we need a border to be safe. If they'd built a wall in Afghanistan maybe theyd be called Doctors with Borders and we wouldn’t of had to bomb there hospital overseas with a drone. Blame falls on them for that one.

In his mst inpressive part of the night, Trump lauded the great job Dwight Eisenhower did with his wonderful program to deport 1.5 Million illegal immigrants in the most humane least racist way possible:

Loser: Donald Trump:

When Donald was answering questons the entire room was on the edge of there seats waiting for him to turn his answer on whether there are enough financial safeguards in place for our economy into a well timed quip about the size of Rand Pauls dick. Except that quip never came. He was way too well-behaved and frankly seemed bored like the Presidential debate is beneath him, which it probly is. He should just skype into the next one and like have his blender going and dog barking in the background for the next one to send a message that he dosen't need this shit.

Loser: Carly Fiorina

Boner of the night award goes to Carly Fiorina who made the case that Obamacare was to long for Americans to be expected to deal with. As former CEO of HP it seems to me that having millons of people printing out 10,000 pages would have been a huge stock boost and great economic stimulater. No wonder they lost so much money.

Carly is also in favor of a 3-page tax code which sounds a bit tedious. Who has time for 3 pages no offense to Mark Foley. Instead of all that reading how about Tinder, but for taxes. Swipe right if your a job creator. Swipe left if your a sovereign citizen. Problem solved. It speaks to her lack of leadership that she was leader of a company for 6 years could of created a machine that could type font small enough to shrink the entire IRS code to 3 pages yet chose to do nothing.

Winner: Ted Cruz

On the actual economy queston, the candidates were asked how they would handle the next economic crisis. Cruz went with the Ol Yeller approach of hed just go ahead and kill of the banks that were sick no matter how deep of a connecton he and his campaign has with them, while Jeb went with the Scooby Doo strategy of getting scared and saying something no one could really understand

Cruz is without a doubt the coolest canidate. He is a big belever in private financing ,and in between debt ceiling filibusters he warned of the danger America would be in if communty banks stopped giving out small business loans for some random reason.

Winner: The State of Milwaukee

What a town. Milwaukee is the macaroni and cheese of cities. Its literally a side dish for Chicago but it overshadows the main course. Pretty fitting for a town that literally serves a hamburger as a side of bloody mary and a bloody mary with a side of beer.

There was a huge absence in the city though and you could feel it in the air as you walked down the street- Senator Lindsay Graham had been kicked out of the udnercard debate so he's offically reached Ken Shamrock levels of viabilty now.

This was a huge disappointment to me, since I had invited the strapping young senator to be the guest of honor at a rally of the internet commenter's of America- a underapprecated but powerfull special interest group that I completely made up last week. After comunicating with his schedulers to try to arrange a time, I was dismayed to here he couldnt make it out. So instead of having a big party on Monday with Sen Graham like I planned, I had a impromtu meeting at Major Goolsbys, a favorite Wisconsin bar right cross the street from the debate where myself and probably 10-12 other internet commenter's convened for beers and shots and then also beers.

There were a number of politcal operatives from various campaigsn that strolled into the bar in the hours before the debate and let me pass along a little trick so that you can tell which party they represent- Democratic staffers try to dress like there children, and republican staffers try to dress like there parents.

The protesting scene outside was decidedley more rambunctous than the previous three debates I had covered. There was one fella who was burning the American flag in a clear vilation of my first amenement right not to be offended.

(h/t @mothertruckin08)

Is burning a flag technically protected as a take? Absoluteley it is. But I think its also safe to say that if your burning a flag literally outside a Presidential debate and the police are politely standing by watching you do it and protecting you aganst folks who want to attack you, youve pretty much defeated your own argument.

The other protestors had strength in numbers, but like any football coach will tell you numbers never won a football game. We wanted it more. So me and my coaliton went out there and really made some noise:

I think we made are point.

In Conclusion

In conclusion, the GOP canidates are literally the Big 12 which is fitting because Texas hasnt produced a champion since 2005. They're also backloading their schedule to get out to a early start in the polls by squaring off verse Huckabee, Jindal and Christie which is basically like scheduling Kansas four times in a row at home with Charlie Weiss as campaign manager.

But theres a deeper underlying problem with this party. Trumps meteroic rise can be best atributed to America getting a 7-year itch from Obama- he's allways insisting on taking the same position, he never tells us he loves us anymore, and he's allways giving us subtle hints that we need to go to the gym or be more healthy. Why dont you just come out and say Im fat Barack? The result of all this nagging is American's get sick of hearing the same old voice, we get a little wild hair and we want to go pay a visit to the little black dress section if you know what I mean.

So right about this time were our marriage with Obama is on the rocks, a wild little thing called Donald Trump pulled into town in her ex-husbands camaro, rocking a toungue ring and candy necklaces, and America got a hankerin for a lil fling. But after going on a 6-month bender people are starting to wonder if they made a huge mistake, and frankly Trump dosent even seem to care about putting in the effort with his perfiormences that he used to. Seems like thigs were just more excited when we were being bad and afraid of getting caught. Frankly this group needs a shake-up and got me thinking maybe a 3-way is just what America needs to save our marrage. Get Trump and a brand new candidate to just go toe-to-toe for us. And just bring all the wild crazy excitement back into this relatonship. Someone whose not even in the race yet who can swoop in, take the GOP by storm and put the spark back into Americas love affair with politics. Do I know who that person might be?

You betcha.