We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
It was Bloody Sunday in the NFL. We saw Le"Veon Bell, Reggie Bush, Keenan Allen, Matt Forte, Steve Smith, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Ricardo Lockette, Joe Haden, and half the metropolis population of San Diego.
But lets take a look at where all those players were from.
Le'Veon Bell- Pennsylvania
Reggie Bush- California
Keenan Allen- California
Matt Forte- Chicago
Steve Smith- Maryland
Ryan Fitzpatrick- Harvard
Ricardo Lockett- Seattle
Joe Haden- Ohio
Chargers- San Diego
Well well well what do you know-
All the "injured" player come from states that voted for Obama in the last election. How about that? Sure its just a coincidence. And 88% of them are from states that have there own HealthCare.gov marketplace set up which make accessing medical care even easier. I find that to be quiet curious. Quiet curious indeed.
Are players are getting more injured because of Obamacare? Its not absurd to think so. Let me say it to you this way- NFL players are more likely to play through a injury if there first reaction isnt "Heck, I've got medical care, may as well use it!" Instead of being told to walk it off, players are cashing in on all their free stuff like complementary injry cart rides and affordable access to MRI machines. We're enabling them as a country to be such gigantic wusses. Whatever happen to the good old days when people were self-reliant and used to perform there own minor health checks and routine exams like setting a fracture with couple golf clubs and some masking tape? If Ronnie Lott had Obamacare he probably would of asked his mommy to use an app to call an ambulance down on to the field to have him carted off for a broken finger.
Instead you have every player in the league thinking there entitled to medical care for every nick, scrape, and cut. Feels like when I was in high school playing against other high schoolers, no one got these big catastropic injuries. Thats just because when the poor kid got hurt, he'd just sit out for the rest of the year while we called him a nancy and his leg healed wrong and he started to have to walk all wierd. Shouldnt of gotten hurt in the first place. The shame of letting your team down by admitting to a injury has been replaced by the candy dish in the ER that players are powerwheeling into faster then you can update your fantasy lineup.
I introduced this topic on the Steamroom couple weeks ago but I feel it merits farther examination. Since everyone is being held hostage and forced to have health care (not even ISIS does that btw), why dont we put it to good use? Doctors should be performing prophelacic ACL removal surgeries for promising grade-school running backs so that they never tear them as professonals.
Its like the youtube videos of dogs who can walk around without there front legs because they dont even realize that they're missing anything. They cant sit around feeling sorry for themselves- theres work to do better get after it. Coaches should select there best players by the age of 9 and have their ACLs removed before they learn to become overaliant on them. Also you could make the same argument that if your son or daughter shows musical prowess at a early age you should chemically blind them to enhance their other senses but thats a different argument for a different day.
We do the same thing every day in America with foreskins, why not just take it to the next logical applicaton and proactively remove knee ligaments at birth? Its less costly to do it then, and it will save America money in the long-term since we wont have another generation of nurse's pets lined up around the corner of the training room after every practice. Its the exact same logic we're using in this country for justifying Obamacare, we need to at least be conisistant.
Until we do we're going to be losing the propoganda war- the old saying "The Training room exists to get you OUT of the Training room" is changing. It use to be "you cant make the club in the tub" but now the entire club is made out of the tub. Our messaging is literaly falling on deaf ears- and knowing the players they'll see that as a invitation to go get there hearing checked..
SB Nation presents: Every Sunday game, disrespected in minutes
Road Grader of the Week: Brian Hartline
#Browns OC John DeFilippo said if you looked up the word professional in dictionary, WR Brian Hartline's name would be right there— Nate Ulrich (@NateUlrichABJ) September 10, 2015
I call this guy the EKG machine because this Heartline is all about connecting for leads folks.
Fan of the Week: The Two Fans Who Attacked Royals First Base Coach in 2002
How bout this for a little blast from the past? Remember William Ligue Jr. and his son, probably William Ligue Jr. II? The Two fellas stormed into Comiskey park and into our hearts during a game verse the Kansas City Royals and attacked Tom Gamboa at first base. Now, what first appeared to be just some good father and son fun, was unfairly treated in the media like trespassing and assault. But looking back at that incident its clear that the Ligue boys knew what they were doing.
They Royals had been a lughing stock for the last 25 years in baseball, and the attack did two things.
1. It paved the way for the Royals to go ahead and hire the best named first base coach in baseball history, Rusty Kuntz.
2. It made the Royals recommit themselves to excellence which started a rebulding process that began with a series of rennovations to Kaufman stadium and culminated last night with a World Series champonship.
Sometimes it takes two dumbass yokels running onto the field with there tweety bird boxer shorts muffin topping over there beltless jeans to give your franchise the spark it needs to be a true competitor. The Royals certainly took it as a slight and turned that circumstance into a positive, so in my opinion, the Ligue boys deserve to be honored with world series rings. Plus Gamboa wasnt hurt really, or injured during the extracurricular activity so no harm no foul.
How are the Patriots Cheating Now?
As if they scourge of Cheatriots scandals wasnt enough on its own, perhaps the worst thing that New England has done to the game of football is encourage other teams to stoop to their level. Jay Glazer reported on Sunday that Colts QB Andrew Luck has been dealing with multiple rib fractures for the past 4 weeks since their game against New England, yet this information hadnt made its way onto Indianapolis' injury report- which could be a major violation of NFL rules.
Its just a shame that the Patriots have tipped the playing field so far that the only way to compete with them is through underhanded Belichickian-style gamesmanship. The Colts use to be so innocent and pure before they had to deal with the sneaky New England rule-breakers and now there reduced to a big game of "if you cant beat 'em join 'em." Extremely sad for two of the leagues good guys Ryan Grigson and Jim Irsay to be put in a situation where they have to cheat to make it a fair game.
Roger Goodell needs to look at the culture hes creating by allowing the Patriots to flourish without barely any punishment at all besides Robert Kraft million dollars fine and draft-pick forfeiture. Because the message thats being recceved across the league is that you have to cheat to keep up with the joneses and for that the blame falls directly on one team- the Patriots.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Russell Wilson should be arrested for criminal endangerment for his actions when Ricardo Lockette was laying motionless on the field. The Seattle Signal-Caller is supposed to be a leader of men, and a franchise QB, but instead of actually helping his teammate he choked like it was 3rd and goal from the 2. Not the first time he's left Lockette laid out at a critical time folks.
If Wilson was any kind of leader whatsoever he would of been sprinting back to the lockeroom and emerging with gallons of Recovery Water to save his teamates life. Just pushing the trainers aside, tilting Locketts head back, moving the toungue to the side, and funnelling bottle after bottle of the stuff down his gullet to make him safer instead of trusting him to the medical industrial complex and there theories. Goes to show you how slefish Wilson truly is that his first thoughts weren't to help his friend with water that he 100% genuinely believes in, especially when could of restored Locketts brain activity to normalcy immediately.
Given Russell Wilsons public statements about how effective the NanoBubble technology is in every bottle of Recovery Water, a jury could reasonably conclude that Wilson was activeley undermining a fellow human beings health by refusing to share his stash with him. I know thats where my thoughts first went.
Its either that or he pulls the old "its just a marketing thing where Im endangering children and setting public neuroscience awareness back decades in order to make a couple million extra dollars out of the pockets of suckers" defense, and I just dont see how a humble classy guy like Wilson would ever cheapen his name by lending it to a bottle of snake oil that could wind up giving its purchasers real-world neurological damage if they were to use it in a manner consistent with what Wilson tells them.
2. Kenny Vaccaro lost his front tooth on the very first play of the Saints Giants game, which might explain the big gaps in the New Orleans secondary. From a medical standpoint, losing a tooth is like a breathe-right strip for your mouth- it allows air to enter and exit more easily, not that you would of guessed that by watching the Saints secondary.
3. Gotta hand it to JPP, didnt think he was going to be making a comeback this year.
4. Not a great weekend for Austrailian rugby players as they lost to the New Zealands in the finals of the Rugby World Cup, and then there best league player Jarryd Hayne got cut by the 49ers.
Hayne couldnt make it in the NFL because rugby is the ultmate participation trophy sport and their players just arent prepared for real life. For example, New Zealands players dance before they even take the field, and there scores are called "tries" when they should be called "dids."
Now the All Blacks, despite having what many would say is an extremely reverse-racist team name, showed alot of class in winning. A young fan sprinted onto the field after the game to go give Rugby League/Union/Heaveyweight boxing Superstar Sonny Bill Williams a big hug and was tackle by securty. What would of happened in the NFL if a fan wsa apprehended trying to give Cam Newton a high-five? Well first of all Cam probably would of had his towel over his face and head and not even seen the youngster then he probably would of walked over him while Dougying up to the podium. Well theres a old saying that football is a gentlemens sport played by hooligans and that rugby is a hooligans sport played by gentlemen, and watch how Sonny Bill reacted to this:
First've all got to admire that kids pad-level. Kept his composure even after he was being tackled. Secondly can you name a single other athlete in the history of sports that has given away there gold medal to a fan just minutes after receveing it? Hope we dont see alot of copycats but I think there should be a rule that the first fan after any superbowl that can elude securty enough to touch a player should get a ring as well. Otherwise the NFL risks becoming to inaccessible and losing the fans to sports that encourage this type of behavior.
5. I call him Arson Palmer because hes on fire.
6. Move over Seattle because St Louis is now the toughest place to play in the NFL. It might not be the loudest stadium but the Edward Jones dome is the only stadium that will straight up injure your opponents. The barrier area has knocked Josh McCown and Reggie Bush out of commisson in consecutive weeks. Time to admit Donald Trump was right- walls work.
7. Odell Beckham spends to much time practicing his touchdown dance. Look Im all in favor of people having fun but his dance just has too many steps in it. Kids cant copy that stuff. Heres a breakdown of what hes doing in his dance:
First he grabs a steering wheel as a way of demonstrating that hes driving coach Coughlin crazy with his theatrics:
Next he does a little shufflestep as a intermission in between his main moves to symbolize that he's getting away with it.
Then he turns into a smooth criminal with a sulate to every ones favorite child abuser Michael Jackson:
And he finishes it off with grabbing the steering wheel again with his other hand and uses his left one to mimmick like he's keistering a eight-ball of weed as he's being pulled over by a police officer.
8. Ben Roethlisberger spent his time on the IR literaly getting into "Football Shape"
A bit concerned here. I want a QB whose got more wins then chins folks.
9. Dez Bryant is under investgation by PETA for possession of a illegal monkey. But coming off a foot injury theres just no way Dez has had enough time to establish himself as a runner to ever be convicted of possesson of anything.
10. I dont care if your a Superbowl winner. You will never experence a moment of more accomplishment as you get when you make it till Daylight savings time without ever falling back a hour. When you set your clocks back your setting your life back. Your telling everyone else in the world "Im too stupid to subtract a hour everytime I look at the time." Not going to find success anywhere in your life with a mentality like that.
69 of the week: Who Dey
This guys the best. Single and ready to mingle. Zubaz is like a smoke signal for people who are down to anonymously handsex each other in the backseat of a Lincoln sedan. Its basicaly srteampunk Tinder for people who dont have a data plan.
Runner Up 69 of the week:
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Clearly Cam has lost the lockeroom as his teammate and defensive captain Luke Keuchley got dressed up as Newton for Holloween. Keuchley nailed everything from the distracting beats by dre head phones to the disengaged towel and disengenuous smile.
A photo posted by td58 (@td58) on
Do you think Vladamir Putin lets his subordinates get away with dressing up like him as a joke? Absoluteley not he has them murdered on a bridge. Called leadership.
Also- what is Cam dressed up as for Holloween? A gang member whose getting over a cold? Shows a real lack of understanding of weather patterns that he's wearing a tshirt, shorts, and a scarf. And what was Newton up to yetserday, besides likley oversleeping and blasting first of the month? Didnt see him on social media posting pics of a film room session.
And tonight the Panthers have to pay the piper, or at least the piller of the Indiana community as Jim Irsay storms into town. By the way home come it feels like the Panthers only play on Monday nights at home? I'm not going to do any reasearch or anything but it seems like off the top of my head the last 7 times they play in prime time its in there back yard, and given Cams track record litereally on the road- thats a big advantage.
So yeah, while he technically didnt lose this week, the last thing you want is your QB getting complacent before a big game, so if Im Jerry Richardson, instead of his normal paycheck I just float him a couple bucks to pay for his gym membership and some smoothies and the rent that is due on his success-leasing until he can prove to me that he's better then Andrew Luck.
Reader MailPail: Peyton Playing Possum?
I think we all know this was an elaborate ruse to try and stick it to ole Jimmy Irsay for a) cutting him 4 years ago and 2) knocking him out of the playoff last year.I don't think so.Seemed awfully suspicous to begin with that Manning would of played so poorly for 6 weaks and still managed to stay unbeaten.Now all've a sudden, he comes back after two weeks off and wants another MVP again?
Here's the truth. Manning's been taking a page out of Brady's book and deflating his numbers four the first six weeks so that he could brake the all-time passing and wins records in Indianaplis.
Manning needs 284 yards to pass Brett Farve and claim the career yardage record, and he only needs one win to pass Farve for most alltime wins.
Not sure why this has been ignored in the media. Obvously a play for ratings next week as Manning travels to his old stomping grounds to whoop up on Irsay and his old fans. Classy move on Aaron Rodgers' part to roll over for the Broncos in the name of a great storilines.
Or is it?
Something allways strikes me as a bit off about Aaron Rogers and his cutesy-cue demeanor when ti comes to things like making fun of God for loving Russell Wilson, and doing the cigarette thing as a audible to mess around with Jay Cutler. Allways seems like he has a alterior motive. Did he let Peyton win last night just to put a bigger spotlight on Farve's records being demolished? Seems like Rogers hasnt ever forgave Farve for being the most loved GB quarterback of all time, and what better way to zing him then to make sure the national medias attention is focused on the old Gunslingers records being broken?