We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Alabama would win the AFC South, and possibly a playoff game
I 100% believe this is true and if you dont agree with me then:
1. You definitely never played football
2. You havent read this column yet
Matter fact, if the world was fair they would of relegated the entire AFC south to the SEC East at this point last year. If you have two teams in the same division that have named Mike Mularkey there head coach with a straight face, well then you've already gone and insulted yourselves far more then I ever could and I think your amateur status is pretty much a given. Its like if Rob Ford and Marion Barry kept firing and rehiring each others PR firms because they kept getting caught smoking crack in public. Thats what its exactly like.
Fact: Mariota lost to Ohio State who has a coach that couldnt beat Nick Saban
Fact: JJ Watt wasnt good enough to play in the SEC
Fact: Lane Kiffin pinned his ears back and won more NFL games with the Raiders then the last two Titans coaches combined.
Even though Nick Sabans name literally translates to "Damaged Symbol" hes still more of a leader then any of these jokers in the AFC south. Bill O'Brien, Chuck Pagano, Mike Mularky, and Gus Bradley put together would equal the worlds most conservative Voltron on 3rd downs, but hell at least you'd have 4 Jaguars working together for the first time in a decade. Heck, the entire division is basically modeled after a Alabama team anyways , and by that I mean none of them have a good QB right now and probably 60% of their defensive personell are talented enough to play in the pros.
As it stands, all Saban has to worry about is beating Les Miles once every fall, which is basically the equivlant of having to outsmart a concussed Andy Reid while he's either recovering from Halloween or thinking about Thanksgiving. The only thing that could tempt him to leave that sweet gig is getting to coach aganst interim-coach-in-waiting Romeo Crennel twice a year.
Theres all the speculaton in the world that Sabans leaving for the Colts to team up with a healthy Andrew Luck but IMO he is a better coach when his Quaterback is bad. Can you imagine Saban with a decent QB? Itd be like giving Octomom a sybian. He'd wear himself out on that thing before the bye week. However, if he traded for Toby Gerhart to make a 3 headed cereb-reus of coahces triplets with Luck and Fleener you'd really see some stuff open up. Its like you ever hear about how humans only use 10% of the brain the good lord gave us? Well Saban would finally be able to open up maybe even up to 40% of his playbook with those guys. Saban is a firm belever that players who were roomates are better on the field together since they allways know where they other ones going to be- a habit drilled into them in college from memorizing each others class schedules to know when was the safe times to JO.
I think a much more likley scenario would be if Bama were to just schedule 4 games aganst the Jaguars, Titans, Texans and Colts to replace there current ones against weaker opponents like FCS schools and Tennesse. That way they would double-dip and qualfy for both the NCAA final four and the AFC playoffs. Probably safe to say that Alabama would go 9-7, get a home playoff game, and beat the Bills at Bryant stadium and the Bengals on the road (Dalton). A Saban/Belichick conference championship would be just incredible theater, with a 100% chacnce that Belichick would die in the locker room after the game either through a little trickeration from Saban ordering a hit on him if he won, or by committing seppukku if he lost. Always hilarious to hear the social justice warriors say there going to stop watching this stuff- worlds greatest realty show.
At any rate I think one thing we can all agree of is its allways a real treat to have this discusson every year, and now that you've been educated I'm glad that you can finally admit that I was right. Hate to break it to you but its true. Say it with me now: Role. Tide.