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MMBM: Was Joe Flacco Elite?

He won a Superbowl.

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We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: THE METER RETURNS

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

Its the question that has plagued mankind for centuries (in Mercury time). Is Joe Flacco Elite? I had retired the Flaccometer earlier this season for two reasons:

1. Donald Trump, (the legitamate frontrunner for President of the entire United States of America I swear to God), answered this queston in one of his twitter Q&As. He said that he IS a elite QB

2. Joe Flacco has not been playing like a Elite QB and I feel that continuing to pose the question was disengenous to my readers, since I couldnt in good conscous make a argument that he was Elite.

But I feel that I need to bring it back the Elite-O-Meter for one time only to honor Mr Flacco in a appeal to the hearts and minds of the Ravens organization.

If you missed it, Flacco tore his ACL and MCL in his same knee (what are the odds of that one?) on the Ravens final drive verse the Rams, and STILL gutted out the last three plays to get the Ravens in position to kick the game-winning drive, proving what Ive said for years that if you have two torn knee ligaments you dont really have one.

After the game, the Ravens pretty much admitted that Flacco was done for the season, and the Matt Schaub era had begun. But I submit that the Ravens should continue to start Flacco for the remaining 6 games of the season, even with the torn A/MCLs. Flacco has never ever missed a start in his entire career going all the way back to high school. Hes not going to know how to even react to being placed on the sidelines. Competitor's like that would rather be facedown asphyxiated in a shallow dish of tartar sauce then be standing on the sidelines holding a clipboard. Its like Dale Earnhardt just chose to drive himself into a damn wall at the Daytona 500 instead of retiring.

If Flacco had known that he was gong to be blindsided by his own lineman, he probably would of thrown the ball directly into his own chest and stopped his heart instead of having to sit out. And heck, despite the fact that he was playing on a knee that actually looked like what Robert Griffin sees in his minds eye every time he does a Rorshack test, Flacco still managed to run two effecient handoffs and a spike, which would mean that his total QBR with a shredded knee is still like 34 points higher then Peyton Manning has been all season.

I understand that you have to factor in rehab time to get him in football shape for 2016, but theres nothing that can prepare you as well as playing in a actual game. Get a head start on your physical therapy by getting the hell back there on the field with your teammates. At the very least the Ravens can let him take the first snap of every game so his consecutive games started streak stays intact. The Ravens have there own Iron man, and if they take him out of his Element and bench him, you might as well just Barium.

This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?


Road Grader of the Week: Jason Garret

If theres one thing the Dallas Cowboys will not tolerate its unprofessonal behavior from their players unless it takes place on the field, in the locker room, in a court of law, inside a department store, inside their owners box, in a Walmart parking lot,or in the players private residences. But buddy you better not show up for the team bus wearing street clothes:

Memo to NFL players- wearing a tie is like kissing your sister- its amazing. Give it a shot sometime.

Runner Up: Dontari Poe

Fan of the Week: Soldiers

The real 12th man is our troops folks. Former Seattle Seahawk training camp participator/Green Beret Nate Boyer shared this pic:

Great job by the US army to spring for the Recovery Water coating on standard issue helmets. Clearly Seattle seahawk fans  are the  most patriotic, intelligent, classiest supporters of any NFL team, no exeptions.

Runner-Up: This seahawks fan spotted all around the damn stadium on Sunday:

10 Things I Know I Know

1. I call him Jason Kitten because hes definitely not a big pussy

2. Cole Beasley looks like Jason Witten fell into a particle acccelerator holding Dr Evils hairless cat and a Ernest goes to camp VHS

3. Just a bit of thinking outside the box here but I have to think we need to explore more sports related optons for the Syrian refugee crisis. You hate to admit it, but I guarentee if you took a group of like 5,000 Syrians and dressed them all up in Patriots gear, took there picture, and put them on Buzzfeed, youd have the entire state of New England clamoring to bring them over to massachusettes. Refugees need to do a better job of marketing themselves IMO, especially in the digital space. If displaced Syrians cant convince me that the United States should take them in without making me pick my head up from my iPhone, then Im sorry but I have to say no.

4. Washington Rekdsins are racist and hypocrits. The cameras caught Alfred Morris on the sidelines eating cr*ckers almost like he was showing up Cousins and Kerrigan.

So I guess were feeding our players soccer snacks now, great. Can you imagine the expresson on Rob Gronkowskis face as he tries to figure out how to open up a Capri Sun?

5. Sunday was a matchup of possibly the two best QBs in the NFC- Cam Newton and Kirk Cousins. Cousins is essentailly a rookie since he only got to play 3 games his first year, like 5 games his second year, and only like 6 games last year. Anytime you have a young QB like that you've got to take the time to let him develop. You can allready see some results this year- he's been getting a much quicker release on his INTs, giving your defense more time to work with to get the ball back. Also when he fumbles his O-Linemen pick him up off the turf pretty much every time. Real mark of leadership.

6. Darrelle Revis is the NFL equivlant of Jenny from Forrest Gump. He was such a young tease in a bad situaton when he was drafted, then he took advantage of the Jets mental defencencies to get what he wanted in a new contract, then went to Tampa where he pretty much went on a year long bender and nearly comitted career suicide before cleaning up his act for a second and getting back together with a Patriot ,and then now that hes old sick, and unwell he goes back to his safespace with the Jets to pass away slowly.

7. I figured out why the NFL keeps goofing up on the exlanaton for what a catch is. Its like you just know the United States goverment has already invented a cure for acne. Think about it for a minute, when was the last time you saw a President or first lady with a big old whitehead? Simply has never happened. But the big drug companies know they can make more money of selling treatment for acne then they could for a one-time cure. In the NFL its the same thingthe league is always happy if the catch problem is never solved, its just tweaked. If the NFL keeps changing the definition of a catch, they create jobs for Mike Perera, Mike Carey, that old guy who works for ESPN, and all the other who make 6 figure salarys explaining why Calvin Johnson lost another game this week. So next time you complain that you dont understand what a catch is, just think that your trying to take away peoples jobs.

8. "Tony Romos back" is either the reason the Cowboys will or will not make the playoffs depending on how you read that sentence.

9. Via SBNations Rodger Sherman, the Cardinals first two TDs on SNF were scored by players who attended colleges that didnt even have football programs. Playing football in college is the new English major. Its pretty much useless because NFL teams are looking for more well rounded students who have the IT factor, not the LIT factor. Coaches are looking for players who did other sports like Jimmy Graham/Julius Peppers/Julius Thomas who all played some other sport I forget which one, or guys like Cam Newton who spent 3 years learning enough about the inner workings of our justice system to double major in crime scene investigation and modern dance.

10. I call him Jimmy Carson Palmer because even though hes old,the man can still deliver on late night

69 of the week: Subtle, but great

Get it?

(H/T Collin)

Runner up:

How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?

Cams explanation for all his "haters" is "if you dont want me to dance then keep me out." Its like saying "If you dont want me to hit on your wife then dont invite me to her funeral." Just completely unprofessional- I want a QB whose a machiavallian, not machiaVILLAIN.

Newton continued his streak of giving away league merchandise after every time he scores a TD. He threw for 5 scores on Sunday and gave away 5 NFL official footballs verse Washington. When my buddy worked at Lidz in high school he used his employee discount to get all of us Red fitted yankee caps like in the "Nookie" video for like 25% off. He got caught and they fired his ass and docked his paycheck. Thats how the real world works Cam, you cant just give away your bosses inventory. Well I went online to ebay and found out how much game used footballs cost and there all in the $125 range, so whatever Newton makes this week he should get $500 docked from his gamecheck, or else my future children will think its ok to give away stuff thats not theres, btw if anyone has a bangbros password let me know.

This week's amount is: Vet minimum plus incentives


This is just inspiring. Never a excuse for not doing the right thing folks.