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You're not special, Derek Jeter. I have a dog, too!

Derek Jeter used his sports website to write about his dog, and revealed himself to be a FRAUD of a dog-owner. SB Nation is the REAL sports website for dog lovers.

Matt Ufford

Noted sports retiree Derek Jeter is the Founding Publisher of The Players Tribune, the Internet's leading outlet for personal essays ghostwritten for athletes. On Tuesday, Jeter used his position of power at the website to write about his dog, a 1-year-old Italian mastiff named Kane.

Here are the Earth-shaking revelations Jeter published:

  1. Jeter has never owned a pet before, because he was too busy wasting his life playing baseball.
  2. Jeter was afraid of dogs his entire life, like a goddamn coward. (I strongly urge the Baseball Writers Association of America to take this into consideration when his Hall of Fame vote takes place.)
  3. Having a dog is a lot of responsibility.

I guess when everyone called him "the Captain," it was short for Captain Obvious. "Duhhh, look at me, I'm retired and putting dog pictures on a sports website." That is my Derek Jeter impression.

Guess what, Derek Jeter? I have a sports website, too, and I ALSO HAVE A DOG. Watch as I abuse my editorial power to waste sports fans' time with pictures of MY dog! BAM:

Stella

That ain't no pure-bred gift from my fiancée, Jeter. That is a muttadopted because I AM REALER THAN YOUR ROOKIE DOG-OWNING ASS. Stella and I met on the street while she was wearing an "ADOPT ME" vest, and I fell in love with her on the spot. Unlike you, I don't have puppy pictures of her because she was already fully grown when I brought her home, but that didn't keep me from training her like a BOSS, because -- unlike you -- I understand that dogs respect an alpha human.

Derek Jeter, I could train your dog with my eyes closed! Although I wouldn't, because he is very adorable.

I've owned dogs PRACTICALLY ALL MY LIFE, Jeter. While you were winning World Series and dating starlets and pissing your pants thinking about Cujo, I was petting dogs ALL THE DAMN TIME. While you were throwing baseballs and playing a game like some kind of child, I was GRINDING at off-leash hours in Prospect Park: scratching ears, rubbing bellies, learning breeds, remembering dogs' names but not their owners' -- you name the dog-friendly activity, I have put in the 10,000 hours to be an expert at it. I AM A JEDI KNIGHT AT LOVING DOGS. STEP OFF, PADAWAN.

Oh, does your large dog try to sit on your lap, Derek Jeter? YOU AIN'T SPECIAL.

stella

You don't see me writing sports articles where I'm like, "I was always afraid of baseballs, but then I got a gift certificate to the batting cage, so I went. It sure was hard!" Why? Because I would look like an idiot, and also I'm not afraid of baseballs. That's you right now. The entire dog-loving world knows that you're a DOGFRAUD. You are NOT ELITE as a dog owner!

Derek Jeter, you must think it's novel to write about dogs on a sports website. WRONG. THAT IS MY THING. So take your adorable dog photos and put them on Instagram with all the other amateurs. The DOG TAKE game belongs to Ufford!