We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
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It is unethical for the National Football League to accept ad money from the United States Military.
-An open letter from the CEOs of Monsanto, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, GM, Bridgestone, and InBev.
We cannot beleve the news. Apparently the NFL is forcing teams to give back over $6,000,000 in ad money that was paid by the United States military in exchange for "salute to service" spectacles at NFL games. And we, quiet frankly, are stunned that the NFL was ever accepting money in such a questonable manner to begin with and eating into ad space for more above-board organizations like FanDuel.
Folks we are pissed.
Its our tax-money, in theory, that went to paying for this endeavor. And if we werent able to dodge corporate tariffs by using off-shore shelters in countrys that werent invented until a coked-up banker and a boat-cabin full of upside down, nude 19-year olds accidentally dropped anchor there, you can bet your ass that we'd of read the federal government the riot act on this one. Its one thing for taxpayers to be funding 2.5 simulatneaous wars and sending our sons and daughters by the thousands to fight and die on the weird yucky side of the world, but using our tax dollars to fund a army recruiting ad at halftime of the Jags-Titans game?Disgusting. How low can the NFL stoop accepting money from such a shady cause?
Perhaps the most unfairly affected by this commercialgate scandal is our much maligned franchise in our nations capital. As if they hadnt been through enough. I cant even imagine how violated season ticket holders of the Washington Resdkins must feel knowing that there hard-earned Lockheed Martin paychecks bought them front-row seats to an exploitation of our nations brave men and women in uniform. Bet they needed a shower after they heard that one. And now the militarys getting its money back? You gave the gift and now you want it back?Good luck explaining that concept to Dan Snyder. Folks thats just not how the Washington Redksins do business.
As leaders of the most powerfull car manufacturer and beer distributors in the US, we cant help but think that the military and the NFL is a dangerous mix.
And wouldja just look at this:
The nerve of the NFL to accept money from the organization that deployed Agent Orange instead of the ones who made there money manufactureing it. Does the NFL have any standards whatsoever?
And Pfizer didnt spend all those years growing monkey-viruses for the military and creating vaccines so LBJ could deploy weaponized MRSA in Vietname for the goverment to have our name assocated with such unscrupulous institutions as the department of defense.
And its not just the fact that we civilians were mislead, its the fact that the NFL seems to be taking advantage of our servicemen and women for financial profit. Hey NFL, how about you quit exploiting military members for your own fiducary gain and get back to running nonstop commercials for USAA mutual funds?
Talk about faux-Patriotism folks. Roger Goebbels needs to focus more on improving relations with its more ethcal business parteners, like Bridgestone who had so many blowouts and coverups, Bill Belichick wanted to know there secret.
You know, I'd like to get a couple of these egg-head bean-counters to tally up all the money the United States has wasted on these silly recruiting stunts across all sports. Its a misappropraton of taxpayer money to be funding these advertisements when that money could of gone directly to putting boots on the ground in Syria. Talk about wasteful spending.
Can you imagine how exploited our volunteer troops must feel coming home from ill-conceved, chaotic, inadequateley supplied, and unwinnable wars overseas that we're technically not admitting we're fighting in, only to be welcomed back in a somewhat-unethical manner? Just makes me want to puke.
So the reports are saying that Goodell is mandating that the teams return the six million dollars to the US government. $6,000,000,000? Do you know how many years JJ Watt would have to play in the NFL in order to give up enough first-class seats to soldiers to repay all that money?
While were waiting on him to do the impossible, might as well ask him to get the Texans to .500 too.
Marry Barra, GM
Hugh Grant, Monsanto
Carlos Brito, InBev
Nigel Eccles, FanDuel
Masaaki Tsuya, Toyota
Ian Read, Pfizer
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SB Nation presents: Good riddance to paid patriotism