We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Yesterday, Cam Newton commited somewhere between a class 3 and 1 misdeanor when he stole a sign from a group of Packer fans in Bank of America stadium. He was celebrated in the media for denying this fans 1st amendement right to protest because the sign offended him. Today in Columbia Missouri, the University President resigned because students were offended for reasons that are either incredibly wonderful or completeley asanine depending on which blog I have read most recently. Yet the media prases one, while they completely ignore the rights of the Packers fan who has just as much right to hang up his banner on private property as a football player at Mizzou has to be offended by a swastika drawn in poop. People forget the swastika was orginally a hindu symbol, so who knows if the person who drew it really meant for it to be offensive by the way. Havent seen that pointed out yet.
Lets look at the facts. Both groups are protesting things, both groups are representing a minorty in an unfriendly atmosphere, and both groups have the exact equal chance of winning the SEC east anytime in the next 5 years. Yet we hold the Missouri players up as heros, but we make fun of the Packers fan for calling the cops when a football player bullys him.
Cant have it both ways. By your logic, Jerry Richardson should have to resign because one of his employees silentsed a citizens right to self-expression. Its the exact same thing.
Meanwhile in Columbia things are all goofed up. Maybe the students went on strike before they got to there civics class, because its laughable that there even accusing the state of Missouri of instutional racism- it was founded on the Missouri COMPRIMISE, not the Missouri "our way or the highway." Sounds like they could use a history lesson.
Its called a PRO test, not a student athlete test folks.If all it takes to make the President resign was threatening to not play football anymore I might just have to cancel my annual turkey bowl .One things for sure,America needs to get back to its roots and stop all this protesting over everything.
But unfortuantely Green Bay fans are probably the least equipped to deal with this type of stuff. No Packer fan would ever in a millon years go on a hunger strike. To them that just means ordering light ranch in your milkshake. I mean I was in my first Wisconsin bar yetserday and just look at the appetizers:
Wish I could find a wisconsin sportsbar that had some cheese items pic.twitter.com/fsknkbf9Vw— PFTCommenter (@PFTCommenter) November 8, 2015
Folks I use to go weeks without eating too, its called a bender. Wheres my medal?
I just feel so bad for this guy who say's he was allmost injured when Cam ripped it from his hands:
What if there had been a child inside of that sign? Even worse he pulls this stunt during salute to service week, what if that banner had been a troop? How am I suppose to explain to any children I talk to that they cant bring there "Scum Newton" sign I made them to the sports bar because Cam might show up and destroy it?
I call him Cam Putin because he freaks out at any sign of descent folks.
See thats the difference between Brady and Newton. Bradys too concerned about how hes going to hang up a new banner to worry about tearing them down. The Panthers have along way to go before they reach the ranks of the Patriots who would never in a million years be caught stealing signs on the sidelines.
But instead its 2015, student athletes are impeaching there own bosses who dont pay them, and oh and by the way- Tim Tebow is still not in the NFL because hes Christian.
Road Grader of the Week: Not to brag, but it's me, for showing a tremendous amount of toughness, grit, and resliancey by writing this blog the night after getting into an accident
Im not one to toot my own horn or give myself a particiapton trophy but after I got into my Uber from the casino and went to the convenence store to buy beer and then realized that store didnt sell beer and went downtown to a liquor store and bought beer and then headed home, I got rear ended at a red light. But Im still here. Still blogging. Not asking for a metal. Woke up this morning a little sore but Im still here.
Heres the thing about being in a car accident: It makes you apprecate and charish every single moment of your life. That next cigarette tastes better then anything you've ever had. The naysayers and crash-truthers out there will point out that the car was only going like 15 mph when it hit me but they dont know what its like to be in the shit like I do. Now Ive got that thousand yard stare. Now I'm playing like I got nothing to lose. A little shaken up, but Im still here.
Fan of the Week: This guy obviously
How are the Patriots Cheating Now?
Belichick was up to his old dirty tricks again this week, attempting to trade for Titans CB Jason McCourty who is the identical twin brother of Patriots Fre Safetey Jason McCourty. The Patriots backfield would look like a casting call for Multiplicty two featuring Michael Cheatin' and it would be impossible for officials to determine which player had committed a penatly. Can you imagine John Harbaugh trying to figure out what kind of coverage they were running?
Alots being made of the Patriots cheating during the coin toss but I cant make heads or tails of it.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Sam Bradfords unifrom looks like he got some Detmer-family hand-me-downs and then went to the tailor and asked them to let the sleves out a little.
2. Absolutley loved the Bucs Giants game. In a touching tribute to Jason Pierre-Pauls return, Mike Evans was all thumbs and dropped more passes then anyone else in the last 10 years.
3. Mike Mularkey went from Tightends Coach to Titans Coach in the span of a week. Good to see him finally get a shot at the head gig. Fortunateley for him he's in a division where he gets to play the Jaguars twice who are still recovering from the mess he left them in two years ago. Almost Belicheckian to weaken your team so much in preperaton for your next job. Mularkeys looking two steps ahead. Folks the last time I saw a South division in this bad shape it was being commanded by JEB Stuart.
4. Love to see a showdown between Scott Hanson and Andrew Siciliano to see who can go the longest without pooping or peeing. We'll do it for charty or something. Lets get this set up.
5. Mike Zimmer called the Rams out on there questonable hits on Teddy Bridgewater and more specifically there defensive coordinator Greg WIlliams given his involvement in the bountygate schedule. Its a bit of a low blow to call Williams out on his history of low blows here. I think NFL coaches should be aloud to choose one other coach to fight per year.
6. Big Ben sprained his foot and now he's getting even more time off. Extending his career- smart. Now I dont want to sound like Im a medical expert but maybe if Ben hadnt put on approximately a million pounds during his 4 weeks recovering from a knee injury maybe his metatarsals his X-ray wouldnt literally look like this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Serously Bens doctors orders are going to be literally "stay off your feet" for the next 4 weeks which is extremely bad news for his wasteline. Bens going to be the first QB to have to need a perscription chinstrap to put his damn helmet on.
7. (extermely loudest voice possible) NOW THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY FOOTBALLLLL
8. How can Roger Goodell look himself in the mirror knowing that hes enabling monsters like Jerry Jones to enable monsters like Greg Hardy? Thats all I could think about as I watched football all day on the NFL red zone channel.
Its time for us fans to unite and realy get the attention of the league on this one folks. I say we all rally together and buy a block of ticket's to the next Cowboys home game and wear new Greg Hardy jerseys with a big "X" taped over them to show Jones just how disgusted we are. Simply unexceptable.
9. Thomas Davis putting "Sr." On the back of his jersey is the ultimate humble brag he had sex.
10. Lets take a quick look at the NFL leaders in yards after catch shall we? Let's shall. Hmm what do you know- Danny Woodhead is leading the league in YAC going into tonights tilt against the Bears. But not only that, but he also HAS 43 MORE YAC THAN TOTAL YARDS RECEVING. HE IS LITERALLY GIVING 110% ON ALL CATCHES THIS YEAR.
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Cam Newton is a coach killer and he proved it last week by getting Colts coordinator Pep Hamilton fired. Ive called it from the time he entered the league, the man is a coach-killer. If it werent for Mr. Richardsons edict that Cam steer away from thug tattoos, he'd probably literally have "bad news" written all over him.
69 of the week: Ryan Fitzpatrick
Ryan FItzpatrick went to Harvard. Thats the okey doke
This past week, we saw a volunteer stand up to be the antidote to attention-grabbing three-ring-circus gimmick QBs: a professional wrestler. Stone Cold Steve Austin, a real meat and potatoes kind of guy, offered to play QB in place of injured Tony Romo. Not hard to love this as an option: Stone Cold is on level playing field with matt cassel in as much as they both never started for USC, and what gives stone cold the edge is that he's got a finishing move
In fact, it's not hard to imagine a team of former and current pro wrestlers forming a team and absolutly dominating the NFL. The only hypothetical challenge would be a team of current and former US Military, real or fictional. So, wrestlers vs military in a single winner-take-all match, who would win?
First of all I think if LBJ had sent a bunch of WWE superstars over to Vietnam wed of done a much, much better job selling the Gulf of Tonkin attack to the international communty. Secondly who does John Cena fight for, because technically he's not a troop but I mean come on.
Thirdly I think the real winner here would be the terrorists because if you have all the military and professonal wrestlers in one place well then its pretty much open season on the rest of the USA. So my queston to you would be are you a terrorist probing for weakness? Because if so, theirs the door.