We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Peyton Manning is either connected to the worst steroid dealer on earth, or he's trying to get caught. There can be no debate.
Saying that Peyton Mannings qualty of play has fallen off a cliff would be a insult to the inventor of the segway. Like most Americans, my first reaction to hearing that Manning had been linked to a PED investgation was that he must be using the planets most incompetent steroids if this report is to be believed. He would of had better luck literaly intentionally getting mauled by a whitetail deer in his neck than he's had from using whatever kind of knockoff antler spray this quack tried to perscribe him. Folks theres no bigger indictment of Obamacare then the fact that the best NFL QB of all time is resorted to using a doctor named "Charlie Sly" to get steroids that are so bad they make him lose his job to Brock Osweiler.
The Broncos repsonded by issuing a strong denial of all the claims in the reports, not that anyone should be suprised that John Elway would be a neigh-sayer. and Manning followed that up with a denial of his own in a interview with Peter King.Does this sound like someone whose lying to you?
Damn straight I’d never do anything outside the rules... For this jerk [Sly] to insinuate I cut any corners, I cheated, I took shortcuts, is outrageous. Damn outrageous.
Its what we in the PR industry call a "damn" sandwhich. If you end a statement with a moderate cuss word, people will automaticaly think that everything you said before it must be really good. Its why everyone just assumes that "Gone with the wind" is a really good movie when its actualy old and weird.
Lets talk about the accuracy of the reporting real quick. As Ari Felischer puts it "consider the source" and let me assure you there is no one better at thoroughly vetting public statements before he makes them then a former white house spokesperson. Takes a discerning eye for the truth. And hes right- Al Jazeera is simply not a credble news source. For proof of that we can look back to 2002 and 2003 when they published numerous reports that had Al Jazeera been a credible news source, would of kept us out of Iraq. But because Al Jazeera wasnt credble, those stories werent believed. Therefore if they had been more beleveable there woudnt be all this unrest in Syria. FACT: Al Jazeera created ISIS.
So while Al Jazeera isnt credible I think its worth exploring the fact that they would be the ideal news source for you to plant a fake story so that you could point out how ridiculous the allegatons were to begin with.
Do you remember back in 1998 when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were in the home run chase and McGwire "accidentaly" left that bottle of andro in his locker, like a chick who just got engaged who "accidentaly" keeps using her left hand to point at stuff? All the reporters were like "Should andro be illegal?" and meanwhile McGwire was practically buttfunneling HGH in between pitches. Like Jack Ruby calling in a tresspassing threat to the Dallas police department, its classic misdirection. Manning is using this PED nonsense to distract us from the fact that he is bad at football & just lost his starting job. Guy like him and me, we're comopetitors who would rather be remembered for cheating then for sucking. My ex wife will tell you that there not the same thing, but Im not buying it.
Lets look at the fact that Manning allegedly had HGH delivered to his house under his wifes name. Seems pretty thoughtfull on his part but then you realize we're dealing with the king of commercals here and that this could very likely just be a viral ad for a new 1-800-FLOWERS product. Next thing you know your girlfriends going to want vials of toradol delivered to her doorstep just because shes cramping- thats why PEDs are rebranding as "anti aging" to try & tap into the cosmetic market. Some are speculating that the drugs could of be used as a legitmate fertility treatment for Mrs Manning, but that argument falls a part immediately under medical scrutiny: The original human growth hormone is semen, and if you get it injected into your neck your losing most of, if not all its reproductive benefits. Its pretty obvous to anyone with a brain that isnt located inside of Peyton Mannings head (but to be fair based on sheer volume alone that might put me in the minorty) that this story is just a pre-emptive way of saying "my bad" for a bad end to a career that was technicaly worse than Ryan Leafs.
Road Grader of the Week: Kirk Cousins
Remember last year when Captain Kirk took over for RG3 and the headline was "Cousins replaces Brother?" I sure do. People thought I was crazy. But Washingtons Goofus and Gallant QB situation has certanly provided us with oour share of Highlights folks.
Many haters and losers predicted that Washington would finish is the basement of the mighty NFC east, and max out at 7 or 8 wins tops. Well they've certanly got egg on there faces as the R------s have already amassed 8 wins in only 16 weeks with still a full 6% of the season still in front of them. This is all building towards a playoff scenario that brings the Seahawks back to DC in a rematch of 2012s playoff defeat only this time the skins will be led by a Quarterback not a quarterknee.
Not only is Kirk a great ambassador for Washington, hes also a great ambassador for Sportsmanship. At the end of the first half verse the hapless overmatched Eagles, Kirk took a gentleman's knee instead of running the score up. It was a sight you dont see too often in professonal sports- a player whose just as concerned with scoring points with the man upstairs as he is for Dan Snyder. Never in a million years would you see this type of class from Griffin. Only time RG3 thinks of taking a knee is when he goes gravedigging for the most athletic cadavers to replenish his emergency MCL stockpiles.
Like to also aknowlege the fact that Cousins was castgated by the media for taking a knee in prayer like a Christian but Husain Abdullah is celebrated to pray towards Mecca after scoring a TD? Should go both ways. Interesting little nugget here- the fact that Chip Kellys team performed so poorly should quiet the "Is Kirk Cousins White enough?" naysayers, for now at least.
How are the Patriots Cheating this week?:
At first I thought that Belichick was behind the Peyton Manning story but quickly realized thats exactly what he would want us to think to distraction me from what he was really up to on Sunday. Throwing the game.
In a touching tribute to Geroge W Bush, Bill Belichick gave his forces the orders to stand down, and allowed the Jets to cruise undeterred toward there target in a operation that was meticulously planned by a seemingly benevloent leader. Who stood to profit from this blunder? To a outsider it might of appeared that Belichick was celebrating the spirit of Christmas and decided it was better to give then receive the overtime kickoff, smartly deferring to set the Pats up with a classic opportuntty for a double score at the end of the first overtime and start of the second. But the strategy appeared to backfire, with New York scoring a important OT win on a early Ryan Fitzpatrick to Eric Decker TD.
Now whjy would the Patriots do this? Obvous answer is to keep the Steelers out of the playoffs. Pittsburgh is the only franchise that can match New Englands consistent commitment to winning and class and being a organizaton that just understands how things should be done. But the most important reason why the Pats blew it is that they get to hurt the Jets draft positon and keep them behind all the non-playoff teams when it comes to drafting a franchise QB. Belichick knows that Ryan Fitzpatricks to smart to want to pay $5000 a month to live in a shoebox and play for the New York Jets for his whole career. Unless the Jets relocate to Long Island or maybe open a nice little Bed and Breakfast in Vermont I just dont see Fitzie laying down roots.
After the game-winning TD,. Baseball reporter Jon Heyman pointed out that score was worth more IQ points then QBR points:
fitzpatrick to decker with game winner for jets. possibly highest wonderlic qb-wr combo in history: 91 (fitz 48, decker 43)— Jon Heyman (@JonHeymanCBS) December 27, 2015
I looked into this & Belichicks so far inside Todd Bowles head hes robbing his spank bank. While the Jets are busy literally trying to outsmart there opponents, Belichicks been setting this all up so he can beat New York in the playoffs on another Brady to Edelman to Amendola pass and remind them that the Wonderlic record has been theres all along.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Baltimores Ryan Mallet playing in the drug captal of America looks to be a major duck in water type situation. While Bryan Hoyer was recovering by locking himself in a hyperbaric chamber and getting accupuncture, Mallet was getting ready spiking up & hotboxing.
2. Raiders and Chargers made a classic holdiay mistake on Thursday by hooking up for a fun little meaningless Christmas eve fling and now there talking about moving in together. Hopefully Oakland realizes it has commitment issues and backs out before things get to messy.
3. Speaking of Christmas, I almost like to think of Judas as a old school Mo Lewis type guy- knocked out a serviceable leader & in the process dicsovered a savior.
4. Folks are allways looking out for the next coaching evolution whether its the forward pass, the west-coast, or the spread. Well get ready to have your mind's blown because Coach Ken Leonard has the latest wrinkle:
Finally a football offense designed for men. Some serious innovation going on .Heres the thing though: what if the players cant decide whose the man and who isnt? You end up with a "too many men and not enough guys" scenario on your hands and I dont need to tell you you've got nothing short of chaos.
5. Ultmate display of helicopter parenting run wild as 90 year old Lions owner Martha Ford has reestablished control of the team over her 59-year old son William Ford Jr. Whatever happen to letting your children make there own mistakes? Bet she makes him wear a helmet when he rides a bike too. Its a generatonal thing, these pre-milleneal children of the depresson refuse to throw anything out which actually explains why Jim Caldwell still has a job.
6. Josh Norman was investgated for using homophobic slurs against Odell Beckham but I guarentee you the league wont investigate the fact that the cameras caught Desean Jackson saying "motherfucker" on Saturday night in a blatant heterophobic attack on Byron Maxwell.
7. Hate it when QBs like Teddy Bridgewater wear gloves out there allmost like there trying to get away with a crime and not leave any evidents. The more equipment you wear= more excuses. Its a accountabilty league and thats why Brett Farve didnt even wear a cup.
8. As I have suggested for like 2 years, teams of sciencists are starting to study woodpeckers to determine how to reduce the effects of concussions and their answer might be a necklace designed to mimick the bones that go around a woodpeckers skull, which provide a bottleneck supply of blood. Unless its some sort of shock collar to give a mild electronic pulse whnever a player asks to come out of a game you can count me out. God invented the orignal wearable technology its called a pair of balls.
9. This week in "Stats Lie", the number-plumbers pile on to the best division in football:
The NFC East has the worst out of division record (14-26) since the merger in 1970. Telling.— D.K. Wilson (@dkwilsonisland) December 28, 2015
All this means is that theyve played the toughest strength of schedule since all of there opponets are a combined 26-14 against the NFC east. But when you really stick your nose into the standing's you can clearley see that the Giants and Eagles can give just as well as they take:
10. Falcons defensive back Tevin Coleman slipped in the shower and gave himself a concusson last week and it makes me wonder why in this day in age of specializaton and medicine we even allow players to still bathe themselves. Are we still in the 1800s? Why dont we just shove leeches up there noses when they get knocked unconscous while we;re at it? Why arent there teams of qualfied sanitation engineers powerwashing our defensive tackles after every two a days? Putting a NFL player in a soapy, tile-lined room and trusting them that everything will turn out fine is the defeiniton of insanity. You might as well be handing them a loaded gun and bath salts and sending them into a hall of mirrors. I dont trust my computer to walk itself into the microsoft store once a month to pretend like its not loaded with porn viruses, so why should I want my NFL players doing things they have no experence in?
And for all those complaning about how that would be inapproprate for a workplace environment, its about hygiene. Not everything has to be about sex you pervert.
69 of the week: Love To Eat
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
The huge knock against Cam Newton coming out of college was that he simply won to much, and therefore wouldnt be prepared for losing in the NFL. Its a legitimate concern. Donald Trump has warned us about this saying were going to win so much we wont even be able to stand it anymore, and it certainly appears that for Newton & co, winning has jumped the shark.
In what is to be known as the strongest NFL draft take of all time, one columist explored this topic a bit further, naturally digging in to whether or not losing a game will make Cam contemplate suicide:
Cam Newton has never lost a game as a starting quarterback. Wouldn't it be nice to know how he will react when he does lose a game? Because in the NFL, it won't take long. Is he going to learn from his mistakes? Is he going to repeat them? Will he go all "Vince Young" and threaten to hurt himself? Will he lose all confidence? We don't know. Sure would be nice to know these things before using a No. 1 pick though.
People laughed at this artcle, but the fact is the last time Newton lost a game he drove straight into oncoming traffic. Was it connected with the loss? We simply dont know. What I do know is that if Im Ron Rivera, Im putting a state trooper on every service road and telling them to lay down spike strips if they see a smoke-filled SUV blasting 'Crossroads' and swerving onto highway 16.
Also, more pertaning to how much he should get paid, Cam Newton should be investgated by the IRS for possible tax evasion. After his rushing TD he used the football as a prop and rocked it to sleep- but he dosen't have any children. Its essentally the exact same thing as claiming other peoples children on your income taxes. Some of histories greatest monsters never paid there share of taxes folks- Al Capone, Wesley Snipes, illegal immigrants etc.
For his own safety so hes not able to go out there and purchase any weapons that he might use to harm himself or others, plus the fact that he owes tax restution, Newton should be subjected to: WAGE GARNISHMENT.
Reader MailPail: From someone literally named Spraynard Kruger
In your opinion:1. Which current NFL player would make the best president?2. Which current Presidential hopeful do you think would make the best NFL player?
1. Not a player but I have to imagine Jim Tomsula would make a great commander and chief mostly because hes not a politician. He talks before he thinks, especally when he's giving play calls into a headset, and he has alot of experience when it comes to begging people not to retire early. As far as actual players go Id have to say a triumvirate of the QBs selected in the first round of the 2006 draft. Eli because he can look semi competent once every four years and then disappoint you for the rest. I also think that Rivers would be the militaristic one with a army of children that would make Kony blush, then youve got Big Ben as the seducer, almost a James Bond type romancer.
2. I'll say this if you put Carly Fiorina under center your going to force defensive lineman to be asking themselves some very tough questons and think long and hard about a potential meeting with Roger Goodell when it comes to whether or not to tackle her.