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MMBM: The case for Jordy Nelson for 2015 NFL MVP

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It's time to take a look at all the best players, coaches, and commissioners from the 2015 season so far

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -- The editor.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

PFT Commenter's 3/4 of the season awards. Or as Lebron James calls them, the full-season awards.

The pre-post-season is nearly over and so as always its time to take a quick moment to recognize some of the individuals that have made the 2015 NFL league year one of the most blogged about seasons of all time. All awards are final but feel free to submit new catgories and recepients in the comment section.

MVP: Jordy Nelson

Each year we allways debate the criteria we should use for determining MVP and to be fair its allways a lively and intriguing and fresh conversation despite what my mailman says. Is the MVP the best player on the best team?Is it the player whose statistically the best (no)? Its actually the player whose the most impactful to his team as a whole. And this year, without a doubt, that player is Jordy Nelson. Without him, the Packers are reduced to trying to stretch the field with players who apparentley got bit by a dog as a child every time they tried to run longer then 10 yards at a time. The Packers would have better success throwing downfield with a blindfolded, dead, Mike Wallace on a treadmill running deep routes then with James Jones, Randall Corb, and I dont know probably a guy with the last name Hunter or something trying to run a 9 route.

DPOY: The Sidelines

The sideline is long overdue for recognition. The sideline is your defenses most versitile player- Coach use to say its never missed a tackle, its the only thing that can literaly stop time, and it allows you to scheme up a system that keeps your weakest players 100% out of the play so they cant be exploited.

Commissioner of the Year: Roger Goodell

So maybe that whole Tom Brady deflategate thing kind of blew up in his face but you have to admit the NFL is still a thing that we pay attenton to.  I like to have some fun with it and point out that Goodell has learned from his mistakes and is nw exercising a abundance of caution when it comes to reviewing video evidence.

Rookie of the Year: Melvin Gordon

Kid knows his role. Step aside, learn from Woodhead, keep your nose clean and your mouth shut. Has a outstanding 3.6 YPC which is mathmatically impossible to defend, since he just keeps the chains moving and the clock running.

Coach of the Year: Chuck Pagano

What Pagano has done in Indianapolis is just extremely impressive. The fact that he's been able to overcome getting his 1st and 2st QBs injured due to his own offensive scheme and still find himself in first place in the division is nothing short of genius. Dosent matter what your record is, its actually better that the Colts are only 6-6 and still winning their division, it shows that there operating at their most effecient level and not wasting any energy on winning games that wouldnt make a difference in the standings anyways.

In the busness world you always want to get to market with your "MVP"- your minimum viable product so you can start getting returns on your investments. Thats what the Colts are all about. Pagano is disrupting the AFC by getting to the playoffs with the least amount of effort necesary so they'll have a more flexible team with plenty left in the tank. Plus he's the only coach in the league with the balls to run plays that are just blatantly designed to see if his boss will even notice or if hes passed out.

Now onto the weekly awards:

Road Grader of the Week: This High School Coach

Alltime psycho. This is a pretty spot on impression of Brian Cushings dad when he finds out one of his sons wants to quit the wrestling team.

Fan of the Week: Detroit has reached the 5th stage of grief

The Lions have reached acceptence. They're past the anger and despair that occurrs naturally from years of using the same paper bags to cover your face in the stands as you do to huff acetone in the parking lot and there ready to just live with the fact that they are the only franchise that could lose a game on a Hail Mary thrown by a atheist.

(via @JohnBartlett333)

How are the Patriots cheating this week:

At this point if your still uncertain about Belichicks nefarious ways I bet you probably also believe in the Easter Bunny and universal healthcare. New England went out there on Sunday and lost to The Eagles at home and theres no way something like this would ever just happen. The Patriots could have the entire Eagles roster, ownership, uniforms and coaching staff and still blow Philadelphia out by double digits. So even though finals week is over and Chip Kelly had all the free time in the world to gameplan and have his mom do all his laundry that piled up, theres just no good explanaton for how the Patriots lose that game. Unless...

Who's New Englands Achilles heel? Whose the one team they dont want to ever play again no matter what? Thats right the Giants. The Giants are uniqueley suited to defeat the Pats and only the Pats. Like how God evolved the mongoose to be able to beat the cobra. The Hood scares everyone else except for squirly old Tom Coughlin, and this is kind of just a aside here, but I have to imagine that if Tom Coughlin has a mouth thats almost like a cats, and if he were to bite a man youd get all kinds of weird diseases we thought were cured like 70 years ago like Rinderpest and hookworm.

So you have to ask yourself. Who stood to gain from this loss? Its actualy the Patriots. The best way for them to ensure that the Giants dont derail New Englands Superbowl hopes yet again is by preventing them from winning there division. And how do they do that? By throwing a game against the Eagles.

(h/t Andrew)

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Brandon Marshall just became the first player in NFL history with 1,000 receving yd seasons for 4 different awful teams which isnt so much a record as it a embarassment. He's basically like if there was a mercenary who had patches on his bag from the French, the Confederacy, North Korea, and South Korea.

2. The Seadderall Pharmacyhawks are back folks. Honorary MVP goes to whatever make a wish kid wished for Russel Wilson to start having sex again a couple weeks ago.

3. A end around to Riley Cooper is technicaly called a reverse racism.

4. False stat of the week: Per Gil Brandt, Marcus Mariota had a record day on Sunday becoming the very first QB in NFL history to run for 100 yds and throw for 250 yards and 3 TDs. But just because no ones done it before dosent mean its good. For example, untill 1945, no one had ever killed Hitler. But then Hitler went out there and he became the first to do it. Does that make Hitler good? According to Gil Brandt, yes it does. Gotta keep your eyes open.

5. Jacoby Jones with a Count of Monte Cristo like revenge plot against Mike Tomlin. 3 years ago, Mike Tomlin basicaly wandered out onto the field like he was in the middle of one of his meandering jazz saxaphone solos and tripped up the Superbowl champion Jones on a kickoff return. You might of seen it in one of several memes, each one more hilarous, relatable, and share-worthy then the last. But Jacoby didnt flip out and drop-kick Tomlin on the spot even though the league rules technically give him that right. Instead, he showed patience, eventually hit the free agent market, slowly gained Tomlins trust, and then boom, ruined his special teams for a half. Devious, but also admirable. Could be late-season pick-up by the Patriots.

6. Anyone catch Obummers speech last night? He laid out a detail plan of how were suppose to win the war against ISIS terrorism but he refuses to call Islamic State terrorism "Islamic Terrorism."

7. Love to get Jim Caldwell and Mike Carey in a room with a magic eye poster:

Caldwell: wait now. wait just a minute.Ive almost got it

Carey: Found it. There it is.

Caldwell: Hang on now. give me a second here.

Carey: Waldos right there in the corner Jim.

8. Johnny Football is back folks. Browns Head Coach Goldberg made the decison this morning that Manziel would take over the Browns "offense" for this Sundays game against the 49ers. I like to have some fun with it call them the Cleveland Blues, because its going to be much more improvisational to fit Manziels off-the-field skillset of constantly asking Josh Gordon "Whose line is it anyway?"

Quick storytime about Cleveland here- when I was there for the first GOP debate I accidentaly went to a bar for breakfast and ordered a few bloody marys from what in retrospect was a very heavy handed bartender. A call came in on the restraunt phone and it was someones mom asking if her son had left his credit card at the bar last night and it turns out he had. First of all that kid needs to learn some accountbility. If you lose your moms credit card at a bar you either say you were mugged by some troubled looking youth, or you just dont say anything about it until she demands it back because you bought I dont have any proof of this, but you cant convince me that it wasnt Johnny Manzeils mom.

9. Aaron Hernandez got caught with a homemade knife in prison last week, a extremeley versitile offensive weapon that can either split you outside, or get between your shoulders up the middle. Early reports were it was a shank but thats just the way the knife looks coming off a left-footer.

But can we can the PC outrage already? This Aaron Hernendez punishment thing to me has kind of jumped the shark. Ok we had our fun and put the guy in jail, but you gotta think he's learned his lesson.

10. Generaly speaking the Titans Jaguars home and home is like if you forced America to have the Kerry-Bush election twice every year on CBS if both partys had a chance at winning the south. But yetserdays game was actually alot of fun to watch especially if you hate good defense and coaching.

This weeks reason we need to keep talking about the Cowboys even though they're bad, have always been bad, and will continue to be bad

Jerry Jones is rumored have his eye (his right one IMO) on Johnny Football as the future QB of the Dallas Cowboys. As much fun as that would be, and as revelant as that would keep the team in the media, Jones needs to consider the impact bringing in such a leader like Manzell would have on a lockeroom that allready has too much leadership.

Right now in big D, they've got a adundance of kings but just one Cassel. This isnt Jerrys fault either, he's been doing all that he can to stock that pond with sharks and krakens, but its time to do it one better. Dez Bruant use to be the leader, but then he started goofing off and fighting his mom, so Jones had to call in a bigger leader, with more solid leadership credentials like Hardy to make sure everything was being run repsonsibly. And if you bring in Manziel to lead Hardy, well then your going to need someone else as a new alpha.

Its like in nature when you introduce insects to pollinate your flowers , you have to bring in frogs to eat bugs , then you bring in cats to eat the frogs, and before you know it youve got Jason Babin shooting RPGs into a wolves butt out of a helicopter. Nature is a beautiful thing, but you have to repsect it. So now that you've got Hardy walking around unchecked as the apex leader, literaly urinating onto Cole Beaselys retainer while he's in the shower to emphasize the importence of accountability, and now with Manzeil potentially basicaly moving nose-first into Sam Hurds old crawlspace, you need to bring in a bigger badder predator to keep him those guys in check.

An NFL lockeroom is much different from your place of business- this isnt patty cake. A lot of people think its patty cake, but its actually not. A football locker room is basically death row except with a higher degree of scrutiny from the press on whether or not you actualy deserve to be there. But Aaron Hernandez isnt gonig anywhere anytime soon and Oscar Pistorous is gonna be spending the rest of his life in South Africa unless they can figure out a way to turn the Blade Runner into the Fugitive, folks.

How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?

Aboluteley hilarious how all the talking heads are saying Cams a Once in a Lifetime player, when in realty he's closer to a psycho killer.  Cam managed to barely beat a New Orleans Saints defense without Rob Ryan, which ranks somewhere between taking candy from a baby and marching a standing army westward across France in terms of difficulty so you'll have to forgive me if I'm not annointed him MVP just yet.

Listen, I like Cam, I really do. But hes going to get himself into trouble with his insisting that he give away every single TD ball after he scores them. Its one thing if your a Bryan Hoyer kind of guy who only scores one or two TDs a year and each ball is specal and you kind of lose yourself in the moment. Its like if your a old married couple and you guys do it once a year on your birthday or whatever and it goes in the wrong spot just out of sheer excitement, but if your Johnny Manziel spending a week on South Padre island you cant just set off fireworks everytime you get to second base. Cam a pre Madonna who seems to always act Like a Virgin when he scores and lets his excitement get the best of him instead of just being calm about a TD because after all its literaly his job. Here's a relevant fact- marijuana decreases your short-term memory which in turn would make it literaly impossible to act like you've been there before. Hmmmmmm.

Just yetserday Newton even managed to break the law by assaulting a ballboy and stealing a Touchdown ball like it was a macbook pro and giving it to a child as a gift.

I thought Newton had learned his lesson but I guess the apple dosent fall far from the dorm windown folks. Im not saying Cam has nefarious reasons for doing this but why does he want children to like him so much? Then after all this, he forced team owner Jerry Richardson to Dab in the lockeroom in celebration. Truly a day that will live in infamy.

Also- in this prevous description I was imagining Cam Newton as a white player in my head, so if you think I'm being racist, it turns out that your the real racist. Checkmate.

This weeks rating is: Less then our troops

Reader MailPail: Atlanta Hair Mystery

The Falcons have a hair problem. Dan Quinn of course looks like if Trent Dilfer was an MMA fighter, and that's fine, I guess. But Thomas Dimitroff's coif better belongs on the cover of GQ Magazine (no offense, Drew Magary). What I'm saying is that it's confusing to the players. What style of football do we wanna play? Knee 'em in the groin or need more in the groin? It's an identity issue, and until Quinn can let out that mane or Dimitroff find himself a damn razor the Falcons' locker room will be forever in turmoil. It's sickening.

Jim

So what I think your getting at here is that the Falcons are sending mix messages to the team about what type of personalty they need. And your absolutely right, a bald head sends a much better example. No distractions with a bald head. If your GMs out here dancing around showing off his unruly locks all over the team facilty it just tells players that your liable to waver in the wind and you could get cut at any moment.  Theres the old saying- how do you build a great football team? Well you start out with  a bad football team and you remove all the parts of it that suck. So far the Falcons have all the raw materals necessary in adundance but they need to take a laser to Dimitroffs head and Kyle Shanahans ankle before there going to be sniffing the playoffs again.