We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The NFL just released its tax returns from the 2013 league year and coming in at a bargain basement price of $35 million in salary is NFL Commissoner Roger Goodell. That makes Goodell the highest paid person in American team sports I think, and if we're being honest its not enough.
If you think thats to much money just remember all the leverage Roger Goodell has here. If he walked away from the league the NFL would literaly crumble and the sport would turn into roving hordes of gangs where every game would end like the Michael Jackson "Beat it" video instead of teams respectfully taking a knee. If literally anyone besides Goodell was commissoner, the league would go through a hellish period filled with combatitve labor-relations where domestic violents, cheating, and medical malpractice ran rampant while focusing on minor things like players who wear there socks to high. Instead we have Roger Goodell who does none of those things.
And just think of all the lucrative job offers he would have thrown at him. There would be talk of a possible Presidental run, and barring that a place on the Supreme Court would be all but a formality. If he wanted to stay in the Private Sector you have to imagine Blackwater would back the truck up for him as would any company listed on the NASDAQ who wanted a CEO who would overlook your most public problems while making sure youre research and development team didnt get any paid sick leave when the chemical compound they were working on gave them all aneurisms and that means savings for the bottom line and higher dividends to your shareholders.
Its not easy to run a league that has a federally goverment-supported monopoly with billion dollar TV contracts basically guarenteed for the next infinity years and a never-ending supply of state-funded free trained labor coming through the pipeline, so how about you show a little respect.
Instead of judging Goodells value in dollars isnt it about time we evaluated him in sense? Goodell might not jump off the page at you if your using newfangled Moneyball nerd-stats to measure his accomplishments but thats ok with him. Instead of gaming the numbers to appease the sabermetric crowd, Goodells more concerned with labormetrics the value of hardwork and gumption.
The owners know theyve got lightning in a bottle with Goodell, and so there going to pay him and keep him happy. They are well aware that the second they let the Ginger Hammer leave the leagues going to be operating in the red folks.
Now On to the awards!
Road Grader of the Week: Richie Incognito
What do the Buffalo Bills and me have in common folks?
We both spent the entire first week of our offseason in Incognito browsing mode.
Fan of the Week: Superbowl Street corner preachers
I allmost forgot- during superbowl week in Phoenix there were alot of preachers out there and I wanted to here what God thought about Joe Flacco so I asked them:
And speaking of Joe Flacco lets check in with the old...
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Flaccos tearing through this offseason doing all the right things aka absolutley nothing. It is honestley incredibly impressive that a Superbowl winning quarterback can go a whole week without being in the news for literally anything:
Memo to Johnny Manziel this is how you do Febuary in the NFL- you keep your head down (not over a mirror) and you sit in your room eating oatmeal and staring at a beige wall waiting for OTAs.
This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. While the sports world is shocked by the sudden death of longtime Houston Texas and New York Giants Quaterback David Carr, his brother Derrick looks to next season to carry on the family name.
Carr who had freely admitted to using crack cocaine ( I have to admit I was not aware of this) in his past before turning his life around and becomeing the number 1 overall pick in the 2002 NFL draft was known for his willingness to accept tough and sometimes dangerous assingments like playing behind the Texans offensive line and working with Maureen Dowd.
2. I dont care what your attitudes are towards the labor movement in America but this is a story that should unite us as one in favor of big busness. Dock workers on the West Coast have been involved in a labor dispute for the past year but now things have offically gone too far. There selfish actions are now threatening the timely delivery of one of our nations most sacred products:
We need a 24/7 securty detail watching Pete Prisco as this story combines his two most passionate causes- advocating the dismissal of the right to colletively bargain, and his right to purchase durable high-quality denim shorts in a seasonally appropriate manner. Whats ironic is that typicaly the only people who ever literally get between Prisco and his jorts work down by the docks anyways.
3. Robert Griffin III got his girlfriend or wife or whatever pregnant and made a big announcment about how proud he is about being a dad despite him not being as good at football as he use to be. I did the math and it shows that Griffin was having sex when his team was in the middle of a 6 game losing streak. Quite the leader huh? Thats the difference between RG3 and Tom Brady- Bradys to busy deflating his balls on the field to worry about deflating them in the bedroom folks.
As far as the baby name goes one reader* suggested that RG3 is so self absorb hes already picked out a name: Robert Griffin the Third, Jr.
*-(If this is your take please claim it I cant find who sent it to me)
4. I will drink any kind of beer you can make thats a fact. A brewery in Iceland is now pushing those limits with a beer that is made literally from whale testicles being smoked with sheep shit.
We get the testicles frozen from the whaling company, and we have a licensed butcher chop it up for us to use. The testicles are cured according to an old Icelandic tradition. The testicles are salted, and then smoked with sheep dung. A whole testicle is used in every brewing cycle, and then the beer is filtered and pasteurized. We put a lot of effort into this, and it’s a long process.
Still sounds better then Heineken IMO.
5. We offically live in a world where your not allowed to incite a riot on a airplane anymore. Longtime reader Benny J sent me a news article about a Latvian passenger who forced a plane en route to Dublin to land in Denmark just on account of he was shirtless, drunk and throwing punches in the rear of the plane representing Baltic so hard university.
Basicaly Latvian Man makes Florida Man look like Joel Osteen.
If I were aloud to fly Id like to think I would of supported this guy and protected him from the PC Air Marshalls. But unfortunatley Im a little more knowlegeable then the average bear when it comes to what the founding fathers would of thought about electronic body-imaging scanners that you have to walk through in order to fly on a airplane to citys that werent invented yet, so I was put on the no-fly list after like my second time dealing with the TSA because I educated them too much on there jobs.
6. Attenton all you spellcheck police- a article in the Atlantic came out that says that the English language is holding folks back do to its rigidity on things like spelling words right. It literally says that American children waste so much of there time learning spelling that there brain doesnt have the necessary room for critical thinking AKA takes. It also says that Americans are growing more and more racist against people who cant spell good when in realty a lot of people dont know how to write words because society keeps flipflopping on grammer rules.
Now that the Atlantic has cast its vote I except even the most liberal northeast schools to start teaching telling instead of spelling as early as 2th grade. Possible lesson plans include "was T-Rex a Elite dinosaur?" "Eeyore needs to stop being so selfish by having depresson" and "Why the Giving Trees facist Marxism is ruining our society"
7. Bernie Miklasz of the St Louis Dispatch seems to think that Stan Kroenke might sell the Rams and then buy the Raiders and then move the Raiders to LA but Ive got one reason why this will never happen: way too much paperwork. Stan Kroenke wont even sign a liabilty waiver to get a haircut I dont think hes going to be selling his team folks. You cant even shoot a unarmed man in Missouri without having to write up a one-page double-spaced report about it within 4 months, I shudder to think what would happen when your trying to close out all the tax loopholes youve been using the last 12 years.
So by having a busness transaction where the team from St. Louis buys the team from Oakland and moves them to LA is basicaly a police-brutalty hat trick and the equivilent the NFL putting on a "I CAN breathe" T-Shirt to remind the players that freedom of speech goes both ways.
8. I guess JJ Watt even works hard at lying folks. The "just a little TOO perfect" DT from Houston went out of his way to anounce that hes going off the grid this offseason so that he can focus on improvinghis game. But I caught him posting pictures to socal media of him chilling at a beach with his friends instead of pushing himself in the weight room.
One weekend a year, 10 best friends from high school. Always remember where you came from & who helped get you here. pic.twitter.com/1EgTYda6Uw— JJ Watt (@JJWatt) February 9, 2015
You can trace this all back to his evoluton into a offensive playmaker. You give this guy a little taste of the TE positon and all of a sudden hes a part-time Rob Gronkowski off the field too which just makes me sick. The natural epidemiology of lockerroom cancer holds that the more you touch the ball the faster the disease goes to your head and then your heart and then your guts untill your reduced to a whimpering sack of skin covered in tribal armband tatoos with a tactical sunglasses tan taking creepshots at Senor Frogs.
JJ has been in the press this year for, among other things, writing nice notes to police officer's and firefighters thanking them for there service. Well the explosive superstar might want to remember a nother guy who moved to a cabin and wrote long-winded nonsensical letters to authorty figures.
9. We're in draft season now folks and its anyones guess as to who will be the number one pick. I just know that I woudnt touch Marcus Mariota with a selfie stick. Like I allways say you want a guy whose best years are ahead of him and Marcus played so well over the last couple seasons I just think thats actualy a sign that hes all spent. Thats why a Tom Savage guy or a Blake Bell guy rates so highly in my book, the worse you are in a rinky-dink college system, the more likely you'll be good in the pros.
10. It looks like Peyton Mannings returning next year which is good news for the thousends of Broncos fans who will stop rooting for the Broncos when Peyton Manning retires. Its also good news if your a fan of the Patriots, Ravens, Colts or Steelers and plan on being alive during the month of January.
11. Its the offseason so you know what that means: time to talk Mount Rushmores. FiveThirtyEight has a good take this morning discussing which Presdents should really be on the actual Mount Rushmore. Heres my list:
-Teddy Roosevelt for saving football when a nation of wimps started to die on the field. Alot of people dont remember but those kids were the first generaton to grow up coddled by new child labor laws that prevented them from getting toughened up from bluecoller industrial accidents and so it was no suprise they lacked head-wound discipline.
-No democrats allthough I am in favor of carving JFKs likeness on half-dome. No offense.
-George W Bush twice
This Week In Rovell: Live look-in at Darren preparing his tweets for the day
(via Rovell on Twitter)
Reader MailPail: Reader Pat talks about the NBA All-Star Game
Reading up on this Nba allstat (joke) game since I didnt watch, too much glory boy dunking. Seriously whens the last time anyone did the Mikan drill. Apropos of nothing but I see carmel Anthony played 30 mins last night and is now "shutting it down" (john taffer voice) for the season. Thats why the great Roger Goodell is commish of the best sport on earth. Imagine how many nfl players would take off midseason if the pro bowl was after week 8. It now makes perfect sense why the pro bowl is after the season. I see this big earred adam silver guy getting all the praise but this just makes me sick. Might as well call him Adam Bronze bc hell never be the gold standard like Roger Goldell. God bles
I didnt watch the allstar game either. I also didnt watch the SNL 40th Anniversary show. If I wanted to watch a bunch of bloated old white people trying to make me laugh during a big circlejerk while they talk about how great things were 40 years ago Id just turn on CSPAN folks.