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Reviewing the terrifying dogs in Westminster's 'Working Group'

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The Westminster Dog Show reviews its most massive and terrifying group tonight, the Working Group.

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Thus follows a terrifying review of the working group, mostly comprised of dogs designed for war, controlling huge animals, the pursuit of frightened humans, and for invasions of other planets.

AKITA

Japanese breed whose name means exactly what it is: "large." Stoic, silent protectors bred when a lonely 17th century woodcutter carved the first Akita into existence to make his only friend in the world. The Akita leapt from the picture and killed his creator, but not before the lonely woodcutter croaked out his famous last words: "At last, friendship." Akitas should not be left alone with children; together, their conspiracies will be your undoing.

ALASKAN MALAMUTE

Will eat nothing but frozen horsemeat for months at a time, thus earning it the nickname "The Novak Djokovic of the dog world."

ANATOLIAN SHEPHERD DOG

Bred for protecting livestock against the wolves of the rugged highlands of Turkey, the Anatolian Shepherd is right behind you. No, don't move; he'll only chase you, and will die before giving up. Just breathe slowly: a racing pulse only makes your fear more delicious to him.

BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG

Gentrification with four paws. If you put more than four in one space, a coffeeshop with three craft beer taps appears on the nearest streetcorner.

BLACK RUSSIAN TERRIER

Bred with a great cascade of black fur over its eyes to shield the world from the laserlike contempt it holds for human frailty. Highly radioactive, but only when it is in a good mood. Is never radioactive.

BOERBOEL

The Boerboel is WHATEVER IT WANTS YOU TO THINK IT IS because the phrase "African farm muscle car dog" doesn't even really come close to describing it. It guarded the mines against diamond thieves in South Africa so I'm pretty sure its preferred food is "terrified diamond thieves." This one wants to be thought of as a unicorn, and it's a unicorn. It is. Just say it, and back away slowly without making eye contact. JUST SAY IT BEFORE IT NOTICES YOU'RE HESITATING.

BOXER

X-Rays reveal its interior contains no organs, only springs, chewed up shoes, and huge clouds of pure fart gas.

BULLMASTIFF

Per Wikipedia, these are "quiet dogs that very rarely bark." If they do, you are seconds from an imminent death or from being sat on like a lawnchair by a 150 pound dog. Depends on the day, really.

CANE CORSO

A "light sporting mastiff" for the dog owner who wants a Bronze Age war dog, but with modern styling and performance. Described as "dominant," so not recommended for owners incapable of deadlifting twice their bodyweight.

CHINOOK

The state dog of New Hampshire; can turn into a Subaru Outback at will.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER

Bred by a German tax collector, so you know it's going to be bulletproof and incapable of empathy or pity. The Doberman's tail is often docked, as the adult's tail matures into a fully functional submachine gun. Delightful with kids.

DOGUE DU BORDEAUX

Once you find out they're French, it's impossible to shake that Frenchness. This dog should be given cigarettes as a reward in the arena; the breed description should read "must be balanced through its powerful flanks, and committed to a vague but militant atheism it jettisons on visits to its grandmother in Toulouse." Despises America; has never been to America.

GERMAN PINSCHER

This dog is tiny compared to the other beasts in this group, so assume its heavily armed at all times, and wanted for murder in one of those states that don't really seem to find murder suspects very often like South Carolina or Illinois.

GIANT SCHNAUZER

This dog exists only to prove that the dream of a Giant Dachshund remains real and attainable.

GREAT DANE

Deceptive in that they are actually aliens piloting giant dogbots designed to commandeer the most important territory on earth for colonization: the most comfortable couches or beds in any home.

GREAT PYRENEES

A very amiable line of brown bears dyed white by corrupt Spanish breeders for centuries.

GREATER SWISS MOUNTAIN DOG

The try-hard, insecure, title-obsessed brother of the merely Great Swiss Mountain Dog, evidently.

KOMONDOR

The giant white dreadlocked thing running around the ring tonight, the Komondor uses its unique threaded coat to protect its skin against the teeth of predators trying to eat livestock, and its feelings against those who will never understand its need for individuality in an increasingly homogenous society.

KUVASZ

Breed traits include cartoonish racism.

LEONBERGER

An affable, giant goofball of a dog, the Leonberger was bred in hope of making a dog that looked like a lion.

German illustrators of the 19th century SUCKED at drawing lions.

MASTIFF

Would knock over an AT-AT simply by pissing on it. Breed traits include "plodding," "window-rattling steps," and "drool trails reminiscent of whole beached jellyfish."

NEOPOLITAN MASTIFF

Mastiff left in the oven too long.

NEWFOUNDLAND

Dogs strong enough to pull swimmers in distress out of the water, the Newfoundland is often referred to as the "nanny dog" for its boundless affection for children, and also because it, too, goes undisclosed on tax records. (P.S. It is not legal to leave a child with a dog no matter what Good Dog Carl told you.)

PORTUGUESE WATER DOG

Its hypoallergenic coat made it an ideal choice for President Obama's family. Please share this dog on Facebook immediately for best results.

ROTTWEILER

"The dogs are said to have been used by traveling butchers at markets during the Middle Ages to guard money pouches tied around their necks." BUTCHERS MUST HAVE BEEN THE WEALTHIEST PEOPLE IN GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE AGES.

SAMOYED

Hailing from Siberia. Has antifreeze for blood and will eventually settle in South Florida once it attains oligarch status through a copper mining scheme.

SIBERIAN HUSKY

Also hails from Siberia; also will pursue relocation to South Florida, where it will DJ two nights a week as opener for DJ Rony Seikaly.

STANDARD SCHNAUZER

Not really a fit with the rest of these, but the Germans made it so it must be designed to absolutely destroy something.

TIBETAN MASTIFF

The Lhasa Car Alarm! You're supposed to throw a fistful of gravel in the face of one of these if they come after you during a trip to Tibet. A friend did this as instructed, and the dog ran through it like so much buckshot off the hide of a tank. He had to camp out on top of a car for ten minutes until someone came and got the dog. I assume that person was either the mayor, or the mayor's assistant in a scenario where the dog was mayor. (The dog was undoubtedly the mayor.)

ST. BERNARD

Unusual in this category in that it is used for "Search and Rescue," and not merely "Search."

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