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What it's like watching a basketball game called by Reggie Miller

Reggie Miller won't stop talking and this is what it feels like

Reggie Miller just asked the professor a question that wasn't going to be on the test. Honestly, I don't even know if it was a question. He started out talking about this painting, and then kind of segued into how the pasture boy in the painting was kind of a symbol for masculinity, and about how he wasn't sure women didn't really do all the heavy lifting in the world, but then again, maybe it was a painting. He also mentioned how his mom liked to paint. He wished she did that more. Jesus, Reggie, this is a geology class.

Reggie Miller will help you with that cable television service question in one moment, but while his computer is booting up he first thought he'd take this opportunity to tell you about a few special offers you're eligible for as a MonolithCableGodCorp customer.

Reggie Miller and you are stuck at the same blackjack table in Las Vegas. He is in the last seat to the left and the dealer is showing a five. He's saying "look blackjack is a game of numbers and cards. You know what one number is and you just never know what the other guy is. But you kinda do. Look, they let you keep the card on the table." And he's just reading the odds off the card for two minutes while everyone stares at him, just going "If the dealer is showing a five, you stay, because on 15 the dealer hits, and on 16 --" And it takes two damn minutes. And he hits, takes a 10 to bust, and the dealer pulls a six, and dammit, Reggie. Dammit, how?

Reggie Miller is holding 17 pieces of mail in one hand at the DMV. He is going through every last one of them with the clerk. None of them list his home address. You bemoan the lack of beams from which to hang yourself at the DMV.

Reggie Miller is in front of you at a tollbooth and throwing pennies one by one into the basket and wondering out loud why they're not working.

Reggie Miller has just taken his ATM card out of the drive-up ATM. And he just put it back in. For the third time.

Reggie Miller has joined you for a viewing of Jackie Brown and you're at that scene, you know, the one where Samuel L. Jackson realizes he has to shoot Robert DeNiro, and there's this closeup that just goes in, and then in further, and in so tight because damn, Samuel L. Jackson is so damn intense here. You think for a second he might have, in the moment, forgotten this was a film, because he really looks like he's going to for real shoot DeNiro. It's beautiful, and it goes on forever, and you don't want a pin to drop as the camera just hugs in on Sam with his head against the pistol.

Reggie Miller is in front of you at a tollbooth and throwing pennies one by one into the basket and wondering out loud why they're not working.

And at that moment, Reggie Miller leans over and bellows "HEY DUDE I BET HE'S GONNA SHOOT HIM. He's dead. I bet you any amount of money he's dead. Watch."

Reggie Miller is next to you on a plane and wants to tell you all about his new love for craft beer.

Reggie Miller is explaining to you that this adult kickball league isn't like other adult kickball leagues.

Reggie Miller is running a chainsaw loudly next door while you are trying to put a toddler down for their nap.

Reggie Miller is in front of you at Starbucks. He has just ordered a decaf coffee with non-fat whole milk after noon. The barista explains that after noon they can make him a decaf Americano unless he wants to wait. Whoa buddy what's an Americano, asks Reggie. Well, it's really just hot water added to a shot of espresso, which has a slightly different flavor, and Reggie's like wait, wait, WHOA now buddy. Can I get that with non-fat whole milk, though? The barista explains that there is no such thing as non-fat whole milk. Reggie says well we'll have to disagree on that, and what is an Americano again? You search for a rafter to drape your t-shirt over to hang yourself. Reggie looks in the bakery case and sees a cake pop and goes NOW IS THIS A CAKE OR A LOLLIPOP --

Reggie Miller is asking about gluten and oh god this is going to take a while.

Reggie Miller has just come back from a semester abroad and is about to tell you how you don't really know what pizza is.

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