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Your NFL Draft day Chris Kyles and Bin Ladens

The NFL Draft is a real "boom or bust" affair. A lot of websites rank the draft day winners and losers, but with some much more at stake than just games, we're raising the tone of the entire discourse and awarding Chris Kyles and Bin Ladens.

Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

We told PFT Commenter to pack his lunch pail and get a ticket to Chicago to cover the NFL Draft for us. We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

CHICAGO- Last week the White House hosted the annual correspondents dinner, or as they call it "nerd prom." Well The NFL Draft is Jock Prom, and when Roger Goodell opened up the ceremony by honoring our military, he was basically telling Obama "Mind if we dance with your date?"

Yesterday was a major win for the NFL, and more importantly it was great publicity for commissioner Roger Goodell. Things were getting so bad for Goodell this year that I half expected him to try a publicity stunt like orchestrating him saving a school bus full of unathletic children to get back in our good graces. The Commissioner had just met with Americas favorite Mayor Rahm Emmanuell at the annual NFL Play 60 kids clinic where they told kids from inner city Chicago that if they work hard enough, or are the son of a United States Senator, they can accomplish anything in life.

I wanted to look my best as a representative of the NFL so in the spirit of Jock Prom I put on a bowtie and used my bouteneer to pin my ears back- I had a date with destiny.

As I touched on yetserday, "Draft Town,"  the city within the city of Chicago is a incredible space. Although after my expose on the unbelivably cheap wine prices ($7 per 750ml bottle) it turns out the NFL was smokescreening me, and by the time Thursday afternoon rolled around they changed it to $7 per cup.

Obvously I planned ahead and brought the Mad Dog into othe draft,, I honestly cant imagine what it would be like to watch the draft sober but then neither can Chris Berman apparently.

They stuck the press up there in the nosebleeds, no offense the Johnny Manzeil. But thats where Im most at home anyways- with the real diehards. I was also literaly 20 feet away from Peter King .. I will try to spy on his notes so I can scoop him on my MMBM. The crowd was electric, and even though tere were hundreds of thousands of tiny electric bulbs lighting up the room in all sorts of wild colors, Roger Goodells smile was the brightest of them all.

As for the actual picks, I dont quite think it does the NFL justice to award "winners" and "losers." In the NFL theres technicaly only one winner anyways. So instead Im awarding draft day Chris Kyles and Osama Bin Ladens.

Chris Kyles

San Diego Chargers

Can almost guarentee you that Danny Woodhead was the one behind the scenes pulling the strings on the Melvin Gordon selecton. Gordons a big flashy contract-back out of Wisconsin whose more of a Money Badger then a Honey Badger. Woodhead knows that if hes going to perform at his peak he needs to be pushed. The Newsboy thrives on adversity. Say what you want about the afghani mujahadeen but they at least only pick fights with world Superpowers, always eager to test themselves against the best. I anticipate the Chargers moving Gordon to fullback about 2 weeks into training camp and Danny'll just grab on to his dreadlocks and go along for the ride. Should be a real treat to watch.

New Texans Defensive Back Kevin Johnsons old tweets:

Hes the exact opposite of Michael Vick folks.

(Via OHB)

Bin Ladens:

Marcus Mariota

Marcus was "working from home" last night, which meant he was sitting around watching TV in his pajamas with his G-Chat notificatons turned on real loud in case any GMs needed to get a hold of him. When he finaly got the call from the Titans, he cost them so much in long-distance charges that he literally hung up on them. The guy hadnt even been drafted and there already losing money in the investment, a literally Banzai scheme. The HaWHINE quarterback is contemplating demanding a trade already probaby. Going from Hawaii to Tennessee isnt really that much of a transition- most citizens of both states are on a first name basis with Dog the Bounty Hunter, and both states offical state meals are whole roasted pig with a snowball of meth jammed into its mouth.  And things really got off to a bad start when Goodell walked up to the podium and just butchered the announcement. As someone whose been fired in the double-digits of times, I can tell you that if your boss cant even pronounce your name, its time to start updating your resume.

Jameis WInston

Whats the first thing Jameis did after he got drafted besides check in with his parole officer? Thats right, he ate crab legs and rubbed his criminal history in Americas faces.

If the Bucaneers were smart they would of literally put a claws in his contract saying that he must stay 100 meters from any crab, living or dead for the duraton of his employment but I guess that would cut into his love life too.

When you draft a QB on Day one, your whole plan for the weekend changes. Its literaly like having a baby except with a little bit more whining. You have to go around QB-proofing the rest of your roster to make sure hes not going to hurt himself on any rough edges of your O-line. You need to make sure hes got someone protecting his 6 at all times, which is kind of tough when you draft a chunky QB whose blind side is every body part below his belly button. I had some fun with it and told every person I met that if the Bucs wanted to really protect Winston they should of drafted the entire Tallahassee Police Department.

But as of press time this morning, Jameis had deleted the picture of him wolfing down on snow crab. When you think about it isnt it kind of ironic that crabs are always putting Jameis in hot water.

Patriots strike again

Is anyone suprised that the Patriots actually used there first round pick?. I call Brown a Beefensive tackle on account of hes a good piece of meat from a Longhorn which is always rare, and he'll plug up your A gap. Remember- his name is spelled "Malcom" which hits close to home for the Pats. Many New England fans are allready starting to call him "2008", because even though hes only got one "L" hes wildly overrated.

La'el Collins

Obvously theres nothing funny about the situation hes in, but most GMs that I spoke with indicate that a possible impending murder charge has knocked him down to a early second round pick. Honestly maybe Im just a stickler for academics but Im more concern with the fact that it took him 4 years to get a degree from a school that offers a Bachelors degree in bourbon whispering. Also the fact that he his first name is a contraction- what is he trying to hide?

In conclusion

In conclusion, by the end of the night we were all spent. The GMs themselves looked like they needed a nap and a cigarette. I had one scout tell me that a draft is alot like having sex, everyones really hopeful going into it, you always want to address your weakest positions, and the whole goal is to avoid a bust for as long as you can. As for me? Well, by the time the Patriots made there pick, my mad dog was empty, I was off the clock and it was time to go home, Its like Groundhogs Day and the NFLs definitely seeing its shadow, no offense to Tony Dungy, so lets get ready for another 2 days of doing this exact same thing over and over again.