The NFL's dirty secret behind the Wells Report

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Well this has been quite a week for Roger Goodell and the New England Patriots. Botching decisons in a manner that keeps the NFL in the news cycle is what he is best at and to be honest he has put on a clinic recently. Saying Goodell has had a bad year because hes made all these misstakes is like saying Mark Sanchez had a bad year when he banged a 17 year old and buttfumbled. On the contrary, he was the most complete version of himself that year, and this is exactley what Goodell is going through before our very eyes.

Unfortunately there is one activist owner who dosent see it that way- and that would be Robert Kraft of the New England Patriots.

I keep gonig back and forth on whether or not the Patriots are 100% cheaters or the NFL is 100% haters. They keep throwing reports at each other to basically win my favor, and if I'm being honest, it looks like whoever has the ball last is going to win on this one. Yesterdays release of "Wells Report Context" by the Patriots seems to have to public tide shifting towards there version of events. And even Goodell himself repsponded to the request for an appeal by saying he'd be glad to review the decisions he himself made four days ago. All this litigating by the Commissoner has got to be expensive, and its become quite clear that Kraft is attempting to make the NFL (who is still just a humble nonprofit) spend its way into bankrupcy. Therefore I have started a GoFundMe to assist Roger Goodell with his legal needs since he's not a lawyer.

Some have said that having Roger Goodell be the arbitrator in this matter is a huge conflictive interest that would basicaly be like if executives from Goldman Sacks got to decide what the Wall Street Bailouts would be- something that would never happen in the real world. But this isnt the Real World folks this is the NFL- the worlds number one realty show and the Patriots have been bitching and moaning so much there making it look like American Midol.

Therefore I have no other choice then but to present to you Wells Report Context Context. I will examine the most germane arguments made by the New England Patriots in there 20,000 word refutaton of the NFLs report, and I will determine who is right. Then, I will levy my overall judgement based on whose argument holds the most water.

The first thing the Patriots do is address the NFLs "scientific" findings:

With the Logo gauge, 8 of the 11 Patriots footballs are in the Ideal Gas Law range and the average of all 11 Patriots footballs was 11.49 — fully consistent with the Ideal Gas Law’s prediction of exactly what that psi would be. THAT IS, RELYING ON MR. ANDERSON’S BEST RECOLLECTIONS, BASIC SCIENCE FULLY EXPLAINS THE DROP IN PSI OF THE PATRIOTS FOOTBALLS DURING THE FIRST HALF.

Ok so first of all the "ideal gas law" is just a theory like Gravity and Blood Alcohol Content. Second of all when you start using advance language and concepts like this your just going to alienate your fanbase whose most advanced chemistry experience is figuring out which flavors of mountain dew get your sister the horniest. Know your audience.

Also relying on Walt Andersons "best recollections" is like relying on FDR's open-field speed. If the cornerstone of your argument is centered around decimal readings as best recalled by a referee who cant count to 4 without the help of a 8 man crew and a chain gang youve already lost.

Point: NFL

Next- theres a perfectley reasonable explanation for why Tom Brady started being pretty much best friends with the equipment manager all of a sudden out of nowhere:

Footballs needed to be prepared for the Super Bowl. Since this was Mr. Jastremski’s first Super Bowl experience since assuming the role as game football preparer, it is not surprising he and Mr. Brady spoke a lot about football preparation during the days after the AFC Championship Game. Issues that they needed to discuss included: how footballs would be prepared (there were several different ways used for preparation during the season, sometimes dependent on weather); how many more than the required number for the game should be prepared so that, as he always does, Mr. Brady could select game footballs from among a larger number of prepared footballs; when, if at all, would the footballs be available in Foxborough for practice; when were they to be sent to Arizona; when would they be available for use in practice in Arizona; etc.

Jastremski at this point, had the second most important job on the Patriots just behind the team champlain who was busy currying Gods favor for the big game. He was essentially the Senior Vice President of Superbowl Football Preparation Technology/Pigskin ninja and his QB is going to need to be texting and calling him all the time. If Ted Wells investigated my elemantary school lovelife he'd assume that I started hanging around the girls who had just got there boobs because they were giving me answers on my long division quizzes. Bad policework IMO.

Point: Patriots.

Next- did the Patriots just throw there entire fanbase under the bus?

If receiving an autograph from Mr. Brady is evidence that you are being rewarded by him for nefarious conduct, then hundreds or even thousands of people must be part of a scheme of wrongdoing.

I would say "yes". If you want legal precident that getting Tom Brady to sign something is evidence of his bad conduct I would point you to his child support agreement with Bridget Moynahan.

Point: NFL

Next- the Patriots try some verbal gymnastics:

Rule 2 goes on to state that the footballs shall remain "under the supervision of the referee until they are delivered to the football attendant just prior to the start of the game." (pg. 32). The report concludes that "football attendant" refers to the ball boys.

The PC Police strike again folks. There not ball boys, theyre football custody technicians. You know who elses side boiled down to a "chain of custody" argument? The Confederacy- who also wore Gray helmets by the way. I guess its not suprising that a team who employed Aaron Hernandez would be on the side of stars and bars folks.

Point: NFL

Next: Are the Patriots fat-shaming there own employee to get themselves out of trouble?

Mr. McNally, a physically big man, hoisted two large bags of footballs and lumbered past all these League officials and out the door of the Officials’ Locker Room.

So bear with me here. This is a classic retorical technique by the Pats- theyre pretending to embarassing there own employee to make other people feel bad about accusing them. Like remember when Brian Cushing got caught taking pills that make you ovulate like a Duggar woman because he was covering up his steroid use? His defense was "well, guess what I thought I had cancer, hope you feel good about yourselves for making fun of me, a guy who thought he had cancer." Then all of America completeley forgot about him doing enough steroids that his balls shrank so much that he was offered a gig as the Patriots equipment manager? Yeah, same technique is at play here by the Patriots who stop just short of throwing McNally under the bus, most likely because they'd be worried hed pop the tires. Cant accuse a guy whose too fat to be good at cheating.

Also note that "lumbered" is a code word. They minus well say "A portly fellow like Mr. McNally could never have jolly-ly oompad his way out of the room without every other person noticing that 4 new couch spaces just opened up." Basically there argument comes down to the fact that the Patriots equipment manager is so fat that if 6 officials didnt notice him sneaking out of the room with a bag full of 16 footballs that were suppose to be in the custody of the referees, then they cant get mad about being duped after the fact- and I am 100% on board with it.

Point: Patriots

Next: Does it pass the Pee-Test?

The report does not address whether one minute and 40 is consistent with the time that it takes a gentleman to enter a bathroom, relieve himself, wash his hands, and leave.

First off were in Foxboro, Massachusettes we can drop the pretense that anyones washing there hands here. Secondly Im basically the Jon Taffer of the toilet industry. It all boils down to bathroom science and I'll tell you that when a man enters a restroom there are a number of factors at play including weather the facility in queston uses a urinal-based, stall-based, trough-based, or 360-degree open-air crater-drain based set-up. For argument sake here we'll speculate that theres a urinal since Mr. McNally is by all accounts to big to sit on a toilet without crushing it like a dung beetle receving a direct hit from the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. And to me the one minute forty second time is perfectley consistant with a man of Mr McNallys stature to walk in, find his wiener and pee.

Pont: Patriots

In Conclusion:

In conclusion, after weighing all the evidents, I conclude that it is more probable then not that Mr McNally was generally aware of the fact that Tom Brady wanted him to deflategate the footballs, and that Mr McNally, like a lot of other people who work for the NFL did a halfass job. I think he was probably fired because the air pressure readings of the footballs ended up being within the league specificatons, and Brady got pissed off that this guy did such a shitty job of making them soft enough. Thats not good enough for he Patriot Way.

The only way to solve this problem is by putting video cameras in every NFL bathroom and bathroom stal in the league- especially the female ones because we all know the Patriots wont cheat in the same way twice. They should then name a independant monitor in charge of reviewing all of said footage to make sure theres no impropriety going on in there, and I would humbly submit myself as a canidate.

I also conclude that it is more probable then not that Roger Goodell told Mr Kraft before the report came out that he was aboutto come hard on the Patriots, and that Kraft should appeal and act like pretty much a baby, and then Goodell would hear the appeal and reduce the fine/supsension. Its a win-win for the league and the Pats who both save a little face. Kind of like a deal where you ask for 2,000 bucks off sticker price for your car then the salesperson can offfer you 1,000 off.  In summaton, I think we're being lied to and the only way out of this is to investigate the investigaton of DeflateGate by subpeonaing Ted Wells, Roger Goodell, Robert Kraft and his girlfriends cell phones and making sure that they arent about to artifically deflate the Patriots punishment.