We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
So I have a contact in the league offices who shares every Hard Knocks script with me before its filmed. Fun fact- last year the NFL didn't actually ever air any episodes of Hard Knocks with the Falcons and no one ever even noticed it. We all just pretended like we watched it and no one was ever the wiser- another brilliant marketing move by Goodell.
By anyways I got my hands on this years script allready and it is a doozy:
Time-lapse scene of the beautifull Houston Texas skyline* with the sun coming up over it for 5 minutes as that dramatic opera song they play in every battle scene in every movie plays. di-duh-di-duh di-duh-di-duh di-duh-di-duh-di-duh-di-duh-di.duh.
*-Just like a million strip malls filled with Chick fil-A, adult bookstores, and pool supply companies
Voice-over: It takes the average oil well 3 years to start getting results, but for Texans Head Coach Bill O'Brien, he doesn't have that luxury. Despite having a chin that resembles the Permain basin, its playoffs or bust for this Cowpoke, and he cant afford to have the well run dry on him.
O'Brien: Going into this year Ive got alot of confidence. Our defense played at a very high level, despite the fact that it, did not in fact, play at a very high level last year. Tom Savage is another year further away from playing competitive football, and if you extrapolate just how much he improved from the time that he stopped playing college ball up to the NFL draft, its safe to say we've got the next Tom Brady on our hands. Plus Ive got a couple secret weapons
CUT TO: J.J. WATT'S REMOTE TRANING CABIN.
Watts sitting alone by the wood burning stove in his remote cabin in rural Wisconsin. Its a cozy one room set-up. Over the course of the long summer hes built himself a bed out of tree branches hes chewed off and the entrails of his summer kills. Before the first thaw he chased down two squirrels and sacked them, killing both instantly. He now wears there carcasses as gloves by sticking his hands into there buttholes really hard. He hasnt taken them off in 4 months.
JJ Watt: Ugh, it stinks in here for some reason.
JJ has spent all winter doing absoluteley nothing but training and writing letters to various branches of the military and cc'ing every reporter West of the Mississippi. Hes been on the Jurassic Diet where he only eats animals that could kill a man in hand to hand combat.
Without warning, a man bursts into the cabin Kramer-style except he dosent use the door he just crashes through the wall like the Kool aid man.
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Brian Cushing: Hey JJ, I thought I might find you here.
Watt: Cushing my man. Great to see you. Oh dont mind this stack of boxes here full of winter cloths that Im sending to the United Way childrens center in inner-city Houston (Does Jim Halpert face at the camera)
Cushing: Hey man I got a favor to ask you. Ive put on about 100 pounds of lean muscle in the offseason just out of eating clean and lifting weights. Naturally.
Watt: Me too.
Cushing: Me too. Anyways, Im worried I might be getting cancer because Ive got this big lump growing under each one of my nipples and also lots of backne.
Watt: Yea that can be a side affect of hard work. Lets take a look.
Watt takes Cushings shirt off (something for the ladies. I also forgot to mention that Watt is shirtless this whole time to. Sure enough Cushings got a couple nice B-Cup lumps under his nipples.
Watt: Oh my god weve got to stop this cancer from spreading any bigger. Ive got to get all the toxins out of your system!
Watt starts sucking on Cushings nipples and slowly draining all the cancer. Hes got a old-timey spittoon in the cabin and every 15 seconds he spits toxins into it making a satisfying cartoony *ping* sound.
Cushing: Thanks JJ I think my cancers gone, but sucking on each others nipples all the time is starting to become a distracton, and traning camp is about to start.
Watt: Your right, lets get to work.
Watt steps outside his cabin and there are thousands of NFL reporters who literaly put JJ on a pedastal and carry him all the way to the airport. While hes on his way there he gets on the phone and dials American Air.
Watt: Yes Id like to give up my first class seat on every flight Im booked on for the rest of this year my name is JJ Watt, oh wow, did I mistakenley call the Public Relatons number I htought I was calling the sales line. Awwwwkward. Haha, well is there any way you might be able to hlep me out on this one?
All the writers who are carrying him are furously jotting this stuff down. They let him off and every one tweets out this incredble story of sleflessness.
Watt walks into the terminal with his buckskin travelbag and boards his plane. As more and more peole get on JJ starts to sweat. Theres no one wearing fatigues- there might not b any solders on this flight for him to give his seat up to. This is a disaster. As the plane fills up, JJ's eyes franticaly dart back and forth trying to find someone whose in the military. The last guy to get on board the plane is wearing a Raytheon polo shirt. That will have to be good enough. JJ stand's up.
Watt: Thank you for your service sir Id like to give you my seat.
Raytheon employee: Um actualy I have a first class seat already. Its actually in front of yours.
Watt: I dont think you heard me. Thank. You. For. Your. Service. Now take. The. fucking. Seat.
Raytheon employee takes JJs seat after trying to bully him out of his patrotism. That was a close one.
Halfway through the flight there the plane hits some unexpected turbulence and JJ's bag falls out of the overhead compartmint, which was stored above his old seat where the Raytheon guy is now sitting. The bag spills open and like a hundred vials of HGH go spilling every where.
Raytheon Employee: (to stewardess) I-I have no idea where these came from. There not mine!
Stewardess: Sure there not. (over intercom) Air Marshall to the front of the plane please.
JJ Watt rushes over and pins him down while he waits for the airmarshall to get there. There are like 20 people taking pictures of him and putting them on twitter and instagram saying how JJ Watt has just stopped a terrorist.
JJ Watt: (to Air Marshall) Thank you for your service. Would you like my seat?
CUT TO EXTERIOR- I-10 TRAVELLING WESTBOUND INTO HOUSTON.
Ryan Mallets spent a nice relaxing summer travelling back and forth between Orange, Texas and Lake Charles Lousiana repeatedly drinking a bunch of mountain dew and wearing so many wife-beaters that hes facing a 2 game suspension. Hes got one of those cars with the rims that are super pointy and stick out into the next lane just to be a dick. He listens to alot of Insane Clown Posse.
Ryan Mallet: (to cameraman) Hey hand my that Kottnmouth Kings CD would you?
Mallet tries to shift gears but suprise suprise the drive stalls out. Just then a policecar pulls behind Mallet and flashes its lights. The officer approaches with a camera crew and it turns outits the show COPS, which Mallet has appeared on like a dozen times allready this spring.
Mallet: Im sorry officer I was just trying to get to my first day at my job.
Officer: Which vape shop do you work at?
Mallet: I play Quaterback for the Houston Texans
Officer: Im going to need to see some ID
Mallet: I can get you JJ Watt's autograph.
Officer: (provides police escort for Mallet into traning camp.)
EXTERIOR TEXANS PRACTICE FACILTIES
Watt is walking around the perimeter like a tiger patrolls his territory but also hes handing out autographed "Frozen" DVDs to every child he sees and accepting like a hundred different prom proposals even though hes like 25 years old which is really creepy when you start to think about it. Then the whistle blows and he starts to job over to his teamates but stops as he sees a older man trimming the hedges around there practice field. Its like in movies whenever they have a main character who is white, but then he befriends a older black man to show that the main character isnt racist. Except this old man is white but whatever.
Watt: Hey there old timer, I just wanted to say thank you for your service and all you do to help us out here. (to camera) Oh wow are you guys recording this lol I didnt realize the cameras where on me lol crazy and also embarassing.
(Groundskeeper looks up from his work to reveal that its actualy former President George W. Bush)
President Bush: Hey JJ, Your a fine young American. Its truly a honor to meet you. In a day in age where so many young people are more concerned with updating there facebook status than invading other countries its refreshing to see a man who supports the USA.
Watt: Well thank you Mr. President. But what are you doing hear- at training camp?
Bush: There paying me to clear all this brush around the stadium.
Watt: Thank you for your service.
Bush: Your welcome JJ. Theres something else I wanted to talk to you about. Ive spent all summer trying to find weapons of mass destructon and its led me to this very training facility. \I know there around here somewhere. And your the only one I can trust.
Coach O'Brien blows his whistle. JJ's dilly-dallying.
O'Brien: No dilly dallying JJ get your ass over here son. This is called a work-out not a sit-in. No offense.
Watt: (to himself) sometimes I wish hed just shut up. Hes so unethical.
O'Brien: What was that JJ? You got something to say you can say it in front of everyone. Now as I was saying, as you all know I come from the New England Patriots and Penn State coaching tree- the two most ethical football programs in world history. So this year I want everyone to know that we wont tolerate ANY cheating is taht clear?
Team: YES SIR.
One of Brian Cushings back pimples pops audibly. O'Brien turns towards Cushing because he literaly thought it was like Jadeveon Clowney firing a pistol into Cushings back but everything seems to be ok. But as he turns something glimmers and catches JJ Watts eye- the weapons of destrcuton- there in Coach O'Brien's chin!
O'Brien: Alright boys lets bring it in. "Win" on three. One- Two...
O'Brien starts to scratch his neck and gets closer and closer to the detonator inside his chin. Watt dive's across the entire huddle as Coach starts to fire a cruise missle at George Bush. He leaps through the air and swats it out of the sky with one of his big old bear paws and tackles O'Brien to the ground, knocking off his coaches Texans hat to reveal hes wearing a New England cap underneath it all a long! Coach O'Brien was a falseflag agent all along. You have to admit Belichick and his crew are masters of the long-con, pushing the grey areas of the rulebook but this one was masterfull even for them folks.
Peter King: I guess thats one Patriot missle that wont be finding its target!
Ryan Mallet walks over to the missle and dips a cigarette into its fuselage for about a minute then pulls it out and takes a long drag.
Mallet: Just as I supsected, its 100% pure Sarin gas.
Watt: That is so unethical.
70 vials of clearly marked bovine steroids fall out of Watts buttcrack and onto the field, shattering and creating a plume of vapor that makes everyone on the Texan's into superstars who are 5 times better then anyone at there position has ever been in the history of football. Just then a huge blimp appears behind the crowd of reporters traling a sign that says "From JJ Watt to the Houston Fire and Police Departements, as well as all the sick children in the world, and also puppies and grandmas- I love you!"
Watt: Hey guys look over there!
A hundred reporters turn there back to the drugs and start scribbling furously in there notebooks.