We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
I've allways been a HUGE fan of the NFL draft and now after spending a week in Chicago let me just say Im a fan for life. Its the ultimate meritocracy, where good players in theory should get picked higher then the bad ones. However let me just say that Im concern about a potential trend: The La'el Collins effect. Collins may of just figured out a way to disrupt the NFLs drafting policys. And I have to hand it to him, its a very smart, if devilishly conniving way to make a mockery of the leagues selection process.
La'el was ranked as a potental first-round pick out of LSU untill he was linked to a murder investgation, and so he went undrafted. Now so far hes not a suspect and could be completely exonerated as early as today, but its a copycat league, and after the Aaron Hernandez debacle teams are very gunshy to invest a draft pick in a potential murderer. His ceiling is a all-pro tackle but his floor is literaly the electric chair.
But heres the thing: Collins, assuming hes cleared in the investgation, will immediately become a unrestricted Free Agent- and will get to choose whatever team he wants to play for. Hes basically going to make as much money as a 3rd round pick or later through the rookie wage scale but its olny a 3-year deal as opposed to a regular 4-year contract that a drafted player would get- and then he gets to choose AGAIN where he wants to play and gets a new contract.
That means the REAL losers here are teams like the Browns and Raiders who in order to fill out a 53-man roster each year have to basicaly kidnap at least 7 players from their houses via the draft and force them into indentured servitude for 4 years before granting their release. Thats what the draft was designed to do- and Collins is thumbing his nose at the process and providing a road map to other players who want to choose the city where they work and live. These kids need to learn about the real world,, most of us NFL fans get told which state we have to stay in, or else risk violating our probations.
Thats the way it should be and if college players with mid-round grade's know that they can just bypass these rules and choose there own destiny by cooking up a phony baloney murder rumor, well then not only will the competitive balance be destroyed, but day 3 of the NFL draft would not be the mega-event of allmost overwhelming excitement that it is now.
These later picks would just treat the period between the combine and the draft like its their own personal "Purge" weekend and teams wouldnt be able to tell what arrests were real and what were smokescreen false red flags on the players part. Easy fix for that would be making potental draftees wear body cameras at all times otherwise its just going to be a battle of "he-said, anonymous scouts-said." Shoot, heck, you might see guys on the red carpet just toss a brick through a window if they hear the Jets are interested in them.
If Im Goodell, Im considering a zero-tolerence policy for players who get exonerated of crimes shortly after the draft. Collins should be forced to go back to college and play one more year for the NCAA and then with good behavior he can be aloud into the NFL. Otherwise you'll see a pattern of imitators, wasting their time, the leagues time, and more importantly skirting the CBA.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Roger Goodell
The NFL draft road show was a smashing sucess folks. The league said that over 200,000 NFL fans showed up at selecton square and in draft town, and allthough as someone who is there and pretty good at estimating how many people Im drunker then in a given public area, I can safely say that theres no chance there were 200,000 folks.
Maybe the best move of the weekend for commissoner Goodell was using a 50 foot tall laser to literaly blast reminders to players on the front of Roosevelt Universty where the draft was taking place.
Fan of the Week: This kid
He is cooler then you or I ever will be:
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
Your only as Elite as your supporting cast will allow you to be. Theres a reason France cant change a lightbulb without 2 strapping Americans to turn the chair. That said, Joe Flaccos prospects for eliteness took a big turn in the right directon last weekend as the Ravens decided that maybe Flacco could use a TE that has at least one hip thats not 50% made out of cricket flour.
First, they drafted some showoff named Breshad Perriman WR out of UCF, which I HATED. Hiring someone from "Central Florida" is like hiring someone from "South Hell" and I cant endorse this choice.
But they made up for it in the second round when the Ravens selected bluecollar Minnesota TE Maxx Williams who can best be described as "Rob Gronkowski with manners." I call Maxx "Dos Equis" because hes a great draft choice, and hes going to make Joe Flacco the most interesting man in the world.
This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know
1. The swag 69 kid may of had me beat, but I really pushed the limits on the NFL shops offer to customize any jersy w/ any name:
2. In a town thats known for Al Capone aka Scarface, Norv Turner certainly came to play. Andrian Peterson tried to get traded by stompng his feet and wet his diper like a 4 year old having a temper tantrum but Turner and the Vikings put him in timeout , and now Peterson realized whose boss and is behaving himself. Kind of ironic.
3. I've said it before and I'll say it again- your all going to miss Goodell when hes gone next year locking up the 2016 Republican nominaton for President. What we REALLY need isnt a President who runs the USA like a business, we need one that runs the country like sports league. There should be a champonship handed out every year to the state that performs the best (Texas) and then your Mississippis and your Arkansas get relegated to Mexico or a D-league in Canada. Panama City Beach would be on the Commissioners exempt list in perpetuity.
4. Washington was perhaps the most active team on Draft Day,, wheeling and dealing until they ended up with 10 selectons, but the joke is on them. Giving Washington all those draft picks to screw up is essentially the football version of Hack-A-Shaq, and this is some next level stratgy by the other 31 GMs.
Also,not to be insensitive but it doesnt bode well that Washingtons new GM Scot McCloughan isnt even two months sober into his new job and he was calling up every team just itching to get his hands on more fifths.
5. Mort and Schefter were breaking news all weekend. Its amazing just how they are at there jobs. In fact on Saturday Schefter was signing authograpsh which is just the best. Sports reporters are bigger celebritys then most sports players, and thats how it should be. Its something for me to inspire to one day, and so I just kind've hung out around the two of them to observe and learn how they get all there scoops. I snuck up behind them to check and see exactly how they operate and I was shocked folks:
My favorite nugget from @theMMQB today: "Marcus Mariota does not have accounts on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook"— John Middlekauff (@JohnMiddlekauff) May 4, 2015
What is he trying to hide?
7. Regarding Marcus Marota, I just dont see it working out in Tennessee. Him and Chip Kelly need to be together. Chip Kellys is not going to eat, shave, or change clothes untill he gets Marcus on the Eagles even if it means Kelly has to trade himself to the Titans. I give it one week before Chips going to show up with a Boombox outside Titans facilities blasting "Tiny Bubbles" on repeat.
8. NFL should only sell a finite number of Sunday tickets. Why would any one buy the cow when there getting the milk for free? Every year Goodell should open up the league office on opening Sunday and the first 10 million NFL fans in the door are permitted to purchase the DIRECTV Sunday Ticket passage. Its called supply and demand and by artificially creating scarcity its a good business move. People allways want what they dont have, which is why the Browns keep going out of there way to try and draft good football players. They could turn it into a event called "Sunday Ticket Town" and you could have fans camping out for a week beforehand in there favorite teams uniforms and sell sleeping bags decked out in offical NFL sponsors and turn it into like a big festival.
9. Best pick of the draft by far goes to the Seahawks for signing undrafted longsnapper out of Texas Nate Boyer. Its a great singing for Pete Carroll, even if he only wanted the former green beret so he could pick his brains about 9/11.
10. There was a special "Undrafted" section of "Draft Town" where fans could go and get there pictures taken with players who never got to walk across that stage and hug Goodell. Whoever set it up needs to be fired since there was no option to have the pic taken with Danny Woodhead. But I made it work:
11. Jermaine Cunningham of the New York Jets was arrested in Decemeber under a New Jersey law against "Revenge Porn" and is scheduled to go to trial this week. I expect him to be fully exonorated since this law has a clear double standard bias against men that will never hold up in court,, Why is it illegal to release old embarassing videos online but the Jets All-22 film is still readily available on NFL.com? Goes both ways
This Week In Darren Rovell: What color is Rovell's phone?
Rovell tweeted out a picture of him holding the title belt before the fight and he didnt look like a creep at all. Thats not whats inportant here though. Whats important is the color of his phone:
One reader thought the phone looked purple and called him out on it:
Yea, thanks "bruh." But wait, as anyone who knows Darren knows that hes a fan of looking up colors on a chart to determine there pantone. So I ran it through photoshop and came up with pantone #55429E- and its magenta levels are higher then its cyan levels, so checkmate:
I scooped the hell out of Rovell this weekend when it came to concesson prices and I've got one more to add to the list- This bag of Steelers colored M&Ms was olny $12 in the official NFL gift shop.
They also sold Bears ones but they were differently labeled and you could only get "Ls" on them.
Reader MailPail: Chip Kelly's High School Yearbook says it all folks:
Chips bin a lunch pail guy for deckades - @plain_shane
Bonus Photo Gallery:
Draft Town was filled with all sorts of awesome awesome fans. Heres a sampling of the best of the best:
I fell in love:
Lots of unhappy Bear's fans everywhere.
Best looking family :
So this guy on the right & his friend &I bonded after he lost a pushup contest in a effort to inpress the Colts Cheerleaders. He needed some consolaton so I got shirtless with them just kind've like guys do when we're around NFL-themed activities and we chugged this Four Loko with his shirtless freind on the left here. It was on periscope live to view so if you missed it, sorry but you snooze you lose.
This Colts guy had been to the last 5 NFL drafts and he says he'll probly go to the next one even if its in Antartica
"Rams Man" is a ultimate fan, I met him on night one, and he was there watching from the back row every night of the draft. Here is is in his home and away jerseys:
Rams man stikes me as the kindve guy who buys his son a ticket to the Rams game every year for Christmas knowing full well that its his moms week to look after him than he calls up his buddy Tommy from Ruby Tuesdays and bring him instead.
Also, RIP never forget