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Lionel Messi ruined Jerome Boateng's life

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Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

This Lionel Messi bad-boy phase has gone too damn far now. First the tax fraud, then the tattoos and now the public dismembering of a human being. Evil Messi does not care for silly things like human decency. This is in violation of so many treaties in the Geneva Conventions:

It's incredible how Messi just reduced the number of Boateng brothers to two in one instance. Kevin-Prince Boateng didn't moonwalk and raise hell during the World Cup to watch his brother reduced to several malfunctioning limbs in front of their family and friends. This is a trigger warning for children who still suffer from the stress of watching Mufasa get tossed off a cliff.

Nevermind that Messi just nonchalantly dinked the ball over the best goalkeeper in the world; he just removed the batteries from Jerome Boateng and tossed him into the recycle bin. Boateng went down in a pile of misery like every man when he realizes that his girlfriend was really serious when she said she was done this time. Jerome is basically scrolling through Instagram and crying at every picture of her with the caption #GirlsNightOut.

This is an existential debate in soccer form. Messi brought the ball up and Boateng questioned the Argentine on the condition of the human soul. And Messi, without regard for the feelings of his fellow man, reminded Jerome that all things are meaningless in the end and that death comes to all men regardless if he is good or bad. As you can see, it plunged Jerome Boateng into such a personal crisis that his motor functions abandoned him.

This is basically like watching Ricky get shot again in Boyz n the Hood. Jerome was the brother who made it, the one that won the World Cup, the one with the world at his feet. Messi just tore out his soul and held it high for the world to see.

Look, we knew that Messi was upset at losing the World Cup against Germany. His behavior had been explosive since. He's been fighting with Luis Enrique, he was cold to Luis Suarez at the beginning of the season, he cut his hair in a weird way. He's been out of control and we've given him the benefit the doubt but we as a people can't look away from him erasing Jerome Boateng from human history.

Boateng's Wikipedia page should now just redirect to either the page for obituaries or the spin cycle setting on washing machines. The Bayern players should have carried him off on a stretcher high in the air like a proper burial. At least throw some sand over his body so he doesn't suffer in limbo for all of eternity. Put a coin on his tongue and some braces around his ankles so Charon can take his payment and laugh at how Messi raised Jerome's health care premium.

It's like watching one of those Life Alert infomercials where the old people fall down and struggle to get up. It's still unclear if Boateng was defending or trying to click his heels because he was ready to leave the land of Oz. Just look at how he falls, it's so damn dramatic and saddening at the same time. He's basically the Daniel Day-Lewis of being spun around. Messi reduced him down to a molecular level with an outside cut and left him on the ground trying to bond each ion back together.

This isn't about the best player in the world destroying one of the best defenders on one of the best teams in the world. This is about Messi finally embracing his destiny as a Super-villain. It's just unfortunate that Jerome Boateng became a victim in Messi's origin story. It's not his fault, fate had deemed it necessary for Messi to make him crumble like a Jenga game in front of his loved ones.