We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The Carolina Panthers are about to hand out the worst contract in league history. Cam Newton is on the verge of signing a 5-year extension worth what is being reported as $100 million guarenteed.
Guarenteed contracts would be the worse thing to happen to the NFL. Major League Baseball has guarneteed contracts and its turned the sport into one big welfare state. Attending a minor league game is like visiting the social securty office. And with todays news that Cam Newton is going to be the latest QB to cash in, the NFL is taking a dangerous step toward communism. Everyone in Russa had a guarenteed job- just some of them happened to be burying the bodys of the capitalists. But do you think Newtons losing any sleep over the cap room hes stealing from Keuchley? Yeah me neither.
I'll start guareteeing contracts for NFL players when they start guarenteeing me wins. The reality is that football hasnt been around very long at all in Carolina so they technically dont know what a good player looks like. Newsflash for Cam Newton the hopes and dreams of a entire state are on your back. This guys so greedy when he learned there was a lot of money in the Outer Banks he put on a ski mask and tried to rob it.
Newton would be taking advantage of the NFL's dumbest fanbase, no offense to Carolina Panther fans. This is a team that broke the bank for Jake Delhomme, so of course as long as your able to throw the ball once or twice a game without getting intercepted there going to think your the second coming of Jesus.
Even Jesus himself would of been a waste of money if you gave him a gaurenteed 5 year contractat age 28- you have to take into account longevity. And Cam Newton is a fraud crybaby who isn't as good as Tom Brady. I'll remind all of you that Newton missed a game last year because he broke a process in his back, but ironically the only broken process I see here is the one that would allow a guy like Newton to bilk Jerry Richardson for ANY guanreteed money.
I think NFL players should be paid by the play. If you get hurt halfway through the first quater guess what? Your only getting paid for the snaps you were a part of- not when you decided your brain hurt to much to remember the playcalls. Investing 100 million guarenteed in Newton is so dumb you might as well just take all that money and buy stock in Malaysan Airlines. At least Malaysian planes go MIA over the Indian ocean, not in the fourth quater.
I call him Fib Newton because he tries to act like hes so sweet but in realty hes actually just a crummy guy who'll leave a bad taste in your mouth.
A lot of people don't know this but the NFL is a Quaterback driven league. And it should make you cringe at just the thought of Cam Newton getting behind the wheel of your franchise. I want a QB who cares more about championship belts then title belts- his buckling up just to save his own life was one of the more selfish off-field acts in league history. The modern-day athlete is so hyperfocused on protecting there own health for old age instead of just going out there and giving it there all no matter what. There are no "accidents" in life, they're just collisions that you could of avoided if you were in the film room instead of on the road. Id have alot more confidence in giving Newton a extension if he was Mark Sanchez to be honest with you. At least with Sanchez your only worried about getting into trouble in the SVU not his SUV.
But most of all, teams shouldnt want players on there team who would ever want a guarenteed contract. Thats a big red flag to me, players should only want to be compensated for the results they produce, not because there hotshot agent was able to trick a small business owner out of forking over some extra cash. The Panthers are still very much a expansion team- the NFLs version of a start-up, that was only invented to disrupt the NFC South and they probably havent even become profitable yet. He needs to be more concerned about the read-option and less concerned about his stock options.
Maybe its time for the league to look into having a reverse guanreteed contract were players have to pay the owners the full amount of there new contracts, and they get to earn that money back as time goes on. This way the owners can use the extra capital to make improvements to the stadiums and private jets. You want a guarenteed contract son? Sure, but lets see how you like it when your the one who has to pony up the cash. I a player truley believes they're worth 100 million dollars they should have to be willing to give there owners 100 million dollars too or else its hypocrisy.
Not to compare being a dual threat QB to the plight of transexual people in America but Newton cant have it both ways. Caitlyn Jenner was able to transform herself wonderfully, but Newton hasnt been able to stop playing like hes running around in college. Instead of working hard hes hardly working, and expecting a CONtract to fall into his lap. He wants to be on the cover of sports illustrated, but right now it looks more likley he'll wind up on Vanity UNfair.
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Sepp Blatter
The President of FIFA had his entire office arrested out from under him and then got reelected by such a huge margin that Walter Mondale could of come in second. I love Sepp Blatter. Hes like if Wario banged Donald Sterling and sent their son to grow up in Ayn Rand's house. If Roger Goodell had half the balls Sepp Blatter did he would award the Superbowl to a 2 city rotation of Mystery, Alaska and the Hedonism resort in Negril Jamaca and then grow a Hitler mustache and tell Rachel Nichols to fuck off if she dared ask him about it. Thats a leader, folks.
Fan of the Week: Cleveland Browns investor
A diehard Browns fan stopped by the stadium last week with a savvy investment opportunty. Rayhann hand delivered this note to stadium employee Jason, trying to get in on the ground floor of McCown mania.
Always a good idea to label any business transacton with your social securty number, mothers maiden name, date of birth, and clarfy that your occupation is "Dope Dealer." Its important to keep a paper trail of your investments so that you can have a solid legal case for when the Browns do win the Superbowl. Theres not a judge in the world that wouldnt honor this contract. Hell this contract is so airtight even Jimmy Haslam would have to honor it.
I really want the Browns to win this years Superbowl just for the inevitable court case that would come out of this, and I would love to see it unfold on Judge Judy with Jim Harbaugh in the audience. Must see TV.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter:
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
There were so so many Joe Flacco elite columns this week it was kind of unbelevable. The NFL.com facebook page is literaly plagerizing me now folks:
Also, current Baltimore Raven Brandon Williams weighed in on the subject:
But I have to come back to the fact that you dont win a Superbowl in the offseason. Joe Flacco might be getting his name in the paper but Id rather be seeing him getting his ass in the gym.
This week's rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Its so funny to watch NBA fans complain about having to wait a week between games when NFL fans do it all year. Also the NFL would never allow its star players to bring there daughters up behind the mic because of the immenent danger they'd be in from Mark Sanchez.
2. Kind of ironic that when people get hurt and return to the battle on a Sunday night on game of thrones every one cheers, but when LeVeon Bell trys to come back in verse the Ravens everyone becomes the Concusson police. Cant have it both ways.
3. According to Jenna Laine of sportstalkflorida (sup Jenna?), Jameis Winston has been spending so much time in the film room that Head Coach Lovie Smith called Jameis Winston a "football junkie." You know who else was a football junkie is Ryan Leaf.
4. Riley Cooper came out and defended Chip Kelly against accusatons that hes racist which should just about put this storyline to bed. If Chip Kelly liked white people so much why did he become a football coach? That's like if Rex Ryan decided to coach a womens murderball team.
5. All this talk about guarenteed contracts, well its time to fight fire with fire. I think Roger Goodell should put every single player on the Commissoner Exempt list and not allow them back into the NFL until they sign a addendum to the current CBA giving him unlimited suspsenion power and also granting him prima nocte.
6. Prince Shembo was arrested for killing his girlfriends dog on Friday but the police report dosent include any informaton about what the dog was wearing. I mean I know animal abuse is illegal and everything but if you see a dog dresesd up with its fur black and white looking like a soccerball doesnt the dog have some degree of responsibility in for getting itself killed? Why did the dog go into Shembos room with him unless it wanted to be kicked? Shembo is a NFL player he dosent need to kick his girlfriends dogs, he could literaly buy any dog in the world that he wanted to abuse. Just alot of stuff dosent add up here, and if Im the Cowboys Im bringing Shembo in asap to round out that defense.
7. Top-10 license plate of alltime IMO
8. Im a dog guy. Never really trusted cats. There too easy to accidentlly back over repeatedly and get you in trouble with your girlfriend. Also, dogs have more grit and determinaton, There a "no-excuses" type animal always willing put put in the extra work no matter how far down the chips may be:
Hardcore journalism--Fox 4 shows us how certain animals are dealing with the flooding: pic.twitter.com/k8uJ5E50tJ— Craig Miller (@junior_miller) May 31, 2015
9. Johnny Manzell is creating news again this time by throwing a waterbottle at a fan who just asked him reapeatedly for his autograph. Heres how it went down accroding to ESPN:
As Manziel left the golf course, the fan yelled, "good luck never starting in the NFL," the friend said. Manziel said "What?" and threw the bottle...The fan was about 20 yards away and Manziel threw the bottle in the fan's direction but not close to his body."
So I guess the fan must of been running a out-route.
The Irving police spokesman said "the 32-ounce water bottle Manziel threw was about three-quarters full. A witness told police that the bottle hit a brick wall." Hitting a brick wall is still a long way from a broad side of a barn but its a good start.
10. Chris Long and William Hayes of the Rams took to the streets to learn more about poverty in America. Apparently they went homeless for a night in St. Louis to get a real-life experence of what its like to be the General Manager of the Cleveland Browns.
11. The Patriot act expired last night at midnight, effectively legalizing terrorism, but I see a silver lining. If Terrorisms illegal, then only outlaws will do terrorism. Now by opening it up to everyone, it will allow a good guy with terrorism to stop a bad guy with terrorism before he can even become a terrorist threat. I expect some of the more common sense states to pass laws where you can open carry a explosive suicide vest as a symbolic way of exercising our freedoms and letting terroists know that we're ready to fight fire with fire. Theres no need to dial "911" if ordinary citizens can prevent it from happening in the first place.
12. Heres a college recruit catching a football after running up a wall and flipping backwards:
This is great but last time I checked theres no wall on a football field. I want a guy whose more focused on driving opposing DBs up the wall then doing it to himself.
This week in Rovell: How much would you pay to watch a Mets game with Darren Rovell?
Did you say $100? Well guess what your in luck!
Thats right for only the low low price of $100 you can watch the Mets play the Giants from a seat in secton 309 or 310 with Darren Rovell and sample different foods that are sold in Citi field. But you better act fast because theres only 300 ticket's avalable I wonder how many are left?
Idea: kickstarter to buy all the tickets for this event and then not attend it so its just Darren in a giant suite with noone to share the food with.
Reader MailPail: J.J. Watt slides into my DMs
Who knows what made him want to reach out. Maybe it was my peer revewed research paper inextricably linking him with Adolf Hitler, maybe it was the script I wrote for Hard Knocks, or maybe he just gets it. But I got a unexpected suprise last night when my phone buzzed and literaly said "Direct Message from JJ Watt:"
So now Ive changed my tune 100% on JJ Watt. I use to think maybe he was Hitler, or at the very least a Nazi sympathizer, but not any more. He just gets it. Lets analyze his message to me:
"Love the constant ribbing from you." He likes to have a good laugh and chuckle at himself. Funny how Watt can take a joke about himself but if you tweet a death threat at Obama hehas it filed into a supersecret record-keeping service that is going to be stored for all eternity. Watt just files all of his threats in his brain to drive him to more exellence. As his number one supplier of bulletin board material I should be entitled to a 10% cut of his earnings.
Im currently occupying more real estate in JJ Watts brain then his Wozniaki spank bank. 100% chance hes been having sex and thought "Oh man PFT Commenter zinged me so good today when he refered to me as 'Adolf Hitstick' oh no Im losing my erecton either due to all the steroids I do, or because of lack of concentraton."
"Keep on keepin on brother" This is a bit racist on JJs part but heck, I'm no PC police. Glad he refers to me as his brother, but if thats the case then why did I not get invited to his famly hangout down in Mexico over the summer? What am I the black sheep of the family just because I opted for a life writing about sports instead of playing them at a high level. Technicaly if there werent sportswriters then athletes wouldnt even exist. Its the whole "tree falling in the forest" situaton- how would anyone ever know just how good JJ Watt was unless there were people like me to remind them that sacks are good.
The bottom line is I've got a monoply on Watt's frontal lobe and I'm putting up houses and hotels faster then he can motor his way past "Go." When hes on the field theres a 99% chance that hes thinking about me watching at home and wondering what Im tweeting about him after every play. Thats the only possible explanaton for why he acts so gritty and polite on the field. Handing the ball back to the officals after scoring TDs, playing through all kinds of bloody noses. Carrying a big damn American flag onto the field. His only misstake was that he started to Get It too much which raised my supsicions. Well now this is all confirmed, and I think Im entitiled to a nice 10% of his contract for giving him such motivaton.
So to recap, I think JJ Watt is execellent now, and a wonderful human who is not a cheater and *probably* not Adolf Hitler.