We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The Dallas Cowboys and Cleveland Browns are talking trade in a swap that would send Johnny Football in exchange for Tony Romo- and it makes alot of sense.
Johnny just isnt a Cleveland guy. This is a gritty bluecollar town that fell out of their Moms butt at birth holding a lunchpail and a hardhat, and Manzells proven himself to be more of a Dellavadiva then a Dellavedova. Memo to Johnny Eightball: the song is called "Cleveland Rocks" not "Cleveland Lines" folks. Between abandoning the money celebration and his trip to rehab hes also shown that he is a quitter, and Clevelands used to there teams losing the old fashioned way by trying their miserable best, not by giving up.
Besides, by forcing Manzell into rehab they're distracting him from his real job- winning games. If you had to be sober to win football games how do you explain Brett Farves career? He needs to work on not takng shots in the pocket instead of avoiding them at the nightclub. How can you expect a guy to get through a 12 step program when he cant even get through 3 of them on a quick slant?
Meanwhile Tony Romo just isnt a Dallas guy. Actually, I would say that 10 years of heartbreaking 4th quarter collapses has proved Tony Romo to be the most Cleveland quarterback of all time. He would take to that city like a duck takes to sulferic, flammable water. Hes the Lebron James of the NFL- literally great until he sucks. Cleveland is one of the best states in our country, but its also a state of mind, and Romo’s been living there his whole life.
Tony Romos become famous just literaly because of his meaningless stats. He's a fantasy QB pure and simple. And its iroinc that nerds fantasize about him way more then they should because the only way you'd think he's good is if you made yourself go blind. I call him Kony Romo because his job is to lead bunch of insolent children but hes nowhere to be found. Just imagine him and King James hanging out in Cleveland going to bars and stuff feeling sorry for themselves. You could name that place pity city- just a perfect fit.
And the Cowboys are sick of Romos losing ways. Its obvous to anyone whose ever spent a second observing the Dallas Cowboys that if theres one thing Jerry Jones, the plastic surgery king of the NFL wants its a new face for the franchise. Acquiring Manzeil would turn there world upside down and change Americas team into Columbia's team. Manzell isnt afraid to put his head down and run through a Lineman, and the only time Romo looks like he’s going through DTs is when he tries to hold for a 21 yard field goal.
Do you think goody two shoes Tony knows what to do with a team thats stock full of crazies like Dez Bryant and Greg Hardy? Heck no. Trusting that roster to Romo would be like setting Tim Tebow up with Sasha Gray.
One big advantage to bringing Manzell to the Cowboys is that he tends to forget alot of playcalls which translates into more broken plays, and less wear and tear on Darren "Run MRI" McFaddens hamstrings, which basically have the structural integrity of a Kardashian hymen at this point, no offense. And Dez Bryant needs a partner in crime to take some of the pressure off him. The fact is he never would of dropped that pass against Green Bay if he had a QB who couldn’t get the ball to him in the first place.
As for Johnny, what better city then Dallas for a guy who literally hasnt proven anything all but likes to act like a big shot?
Now on to the weekly awards:
Road Graders of the Week:The Under-represented Caucasian Male Baseball fans living in Utah
The Orem Owls are a minor league baseball affilate of the Los Angeles Angels who are in the news due to there "Caucasian Heritage Night" that was set for later on this summer. Well the PC police pulled them over and gave them a ticket for thought crime and now the entire event has been cancelled.
I say we should stand in soldarity with our brothers in Orem Utah. If the democraps have there way there wont be any place in America where a White man can feel comfortable watching baseball, being mormon, or enjoying the TV show friends.
In fact I would argue that Caucasian baseball fans need a heritage night more then any other race of people due to the very fact that we're so discriminated against that we got our heritage night cancelled. Proof is in the pudding.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter: What does BodyBuilding.com have to say?
It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?
ESPNs NFL Nation finally adddressed this issue which has been the most udnerdiscussed NFL plot line over the last 5 years. But they showed there cowardice by phrasing it like this:
A rose by any other name, folks. Dont be fooled by this attempt to trick you by changing the language in a effort to keep the conversation fresh. This is like masturbating in a different posisoton. We all know what this coded language means. Is he Elite? (Their answer by the way was a resounding "maybe.")
Weve had people from all across every online customer support industry sharing there thoughts about Joe Flacco re: his Eliteness this offseason, but theres been a noticible silence from perhaps the definitive online argument forum. Until now.
Bodybuilding.com- a website that you may remember for the 5 page discusson between two weightlifters about how many days there are in one week, or from the time they sold OxyElitePro by the truckfull that gave people literal hepatitis and kidney failure, has finally endorsed Joe Flacco. Thanks to eagle-eye reader Sam, we now know there official stance:
In before misc:
This weeks rating is: Elite!!!
10 Things I Know I Know:
1. Cam Newton is still overpaid. Its disgusting. And today he made a tasteless joke about how much air is in a football:
Maybe Cam should spend more time thinkng about his own play under pressure before pointing the needle at someone else. Here are Cams stats from this week: 1 bulletin board material, 1. Disingenous smile, 0 wins.
I think Im going to start a new feature in this colum: how much money should Cam newton have earned this week in my opionin.
In my opinion Cam Newtown only earned $100 this week- enough for enough cab-fare (hasnt earned the right to drive again yet) to get to a no-frills gym, some toilet paper for wiping and personal hygeine, and canned chicken for muscle confusion recovery.- the rest he should give back to Mr. Richardson or to a charity of my choosing.
2. Why did the Cleveland Cavalers lose in the NBA finals? Was it because they didnt have any good players? Was it because there coach let his team get cuckholded by his superstar? Was it because Riley Curry is basiaclly the daughter from the exorcist who wants nothing more then to ruin the good name of King James? Nope its because there was only one Dellavadova on a team of Dellavadivas:
3. This guy gets it
4. RG-Me is at it again folks spitting out cliches like his markatability depends on it. When he was asked about the grind of OTAs he said:
"Some people call it the grind. I call it the find, since you find what you have."
I call it "the hind" because your making yourself look like an ass. You know another lazy in titled profession that only has to work a couple days in June before taking the summer off? Tecahers, and with the "Redskins" common core of Griffin, Jackson, and Gruden- I just dont see them being able to pass.
5. Headline of the week as allways goes to Infowars:
6. Redskins DB Duke Iheanacho has developed a talent for elaborate decorations for his practice cleats. He's used medical tape to create the illusion that he's wearing anything from Nike Sandals to House shoes to converses:
Ironic that he chose to make Chuck Taylors because if you look at his game tape its pretty obvous that Iheanacho is NOT a All-Star.
7. Speaking of Washington dissappointments, President Obama appeared on the WTF podcast with Marc Maron today. I guess I just assumed that since it was a comedy podcast theyd just have Obama read his voting record.
But the President made waves when he was asked about race saying, "Racism, we are not cured of it. And it's not just a matter of it not being polite to say n***** in public."
This is so Unpresidential its frankly disgusting. Our founding fathers would of never said that word to their slaves.
When as a nation will it finally be enough to bad this sick depraved animals known as Pit bulls? First they go around killing are infants at a rate that the news tells me is very high, then they give our girlfriends unrealistc expectations for frequency and pleasure of oral sex? Take action now congress and ban the breed.
By the way, this is one article that just keep's on delivering line after line. Did I mentioned her dogs name is "2-face?" Did I mention that she had a entire folder dedicated to pictures of "2-face" performing oral sex? Did I mention that this is the second dog shes done this with? Did I mention the other dogs name is "Scarface?"
9. Robert Griffin had a diaper-changing contest verse a reporter last week to see who a better Dad was.
Maybe Griffin should spend less time changing diapers and more time changing his attitude given his performences on the football field recently. Folks if I'm Robert Griffin, the only number two Im waking up at nights thinking about is Kirk Cousins coming to take my job. I want a QB whose more concerned about getting in the weight room early to do chin ups, not strolling into the powder room with some pull-ups.
10. Heres what participation trophy culture has done to America folks. This is what were dealing with:
Elite backup? This is the "Hitler had some good ideas" equivlant of a player evaluation here. This isnt "Godwins law" this is "God-is-good-enough-to-help-you-wins law" folks.
(thanks to Ryan Price for the newstip)
11. Lets all see what there saying about the Panthers Grittiest, Hardest working, blue collar, Lunchpail, tough, smart, safe-driver, role model, high motor, tremendously honest, permisson to date your daughter-having Wide Receiver Brenton Bersin:
Sports front: Panthers' "coach on the field" Brenton Bersin; Ol' Roy gets new contract; Hornets work out C w/range. pic.twitter.com/Guq9ePucIj— Mike Persinger (@mikepersinger) June 20, 2015
This weeks reminder that were living in the Golden Age of Takes: Torque Addiction
This Week In Rovell: You can always tell when Rovell just got back from a social media conference:
Reader MailPail:The MMQB couldnt handle my takes.
Heres a little behind the scenes for you all as for how your take-sausage is made folks. The good people at the MMQB asked me to contribute to there weekly football/coffee column this week because since its the offseason theres a drought of takes, and they know my mind is moist and fertile with strong NFL opinons.
So I sent them the strong Manziel/Romo trade idea and this is the response I get back from MMQB (more like MMPC Police) Robert Klemko:
So then there editors decided my takes were to strong for the MMQB and frankly I cant say I disagree with them. Basically I got fired from working for the MMQB before i ever really got started.
You know who else got fired after working for one day at Sport Illustrated? Kurt Vonnegut- a man who literally defeated Hitler in WW2. So its technicaly a badge of honor that they killed this column.
So it goes.