We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
NOTE: If your a Andy/Chris Benoit type who dosent care about womens sports then you must of never seen what happened the last time the USA played China in a World Cup when Brandi Chastain turned the WWC into the LFL. Even if its fake football, any time my nation takes on the Pinko Commie Reds I'm going to be drunk, I'm going to be loud, and I'm going to be drunk. Theres the door if your not rooting for the Red White and Blue today.
Hey China, whats up? Oh nothing, I'm just here in my comfortable desk in the USA getting ready to watch my national soccer effeciently kick the living shit out of your womans soccer team by a score of infinity to nothing. Your probably sitting over there in China not even watching since your halfway around the world where its technically tomorrow so you already know just how badly you got your asses blown off. Meanwhile I'm getting ready for the big game by enjoying all my freedoms to look at whatever porn I want within 5 seconds of me deciding that I'm horny, no big deal. Hey hows that occupation of Tibet going by the way? Losing a war verse a country that is literally made up entirely of monks who took a oath of nonviolence is some next-level embarassing stuff. Hey China better be careful I hear France is stationing troops on your borders. Loosers.
Hey China were going to come out of the gate hungry and score early and then were going to keep scoring and then we'll stop for a while and then after about 15 minutes we're going to be hungry again and score a bunch more times. How does that sound?
Hell, basicaly Chinas been a J.V. America for years. First they bought Tibet just so there country could look pretty much exactly like ours shapewise, then they got a nucular weapon like a bunch of copycats, but I have to admit they had us beat by about 20 years when it comes to having thousands of citizens marching through there biggest cities screaming "I cant breathe."
I just dont trust China. First of all there represented by a Red Flag. To me, thats a Red Flag. You guys are basically North Korea with a Twitter account. Scientificaly accepted comparative analysis of our two nations intelligents notwithstanding, you guys are just plain dumb. China literally spent thousands of years perfecting the least effecient way possible to eat there most prevelant food. Eating rice with chopsticks is like mowng your lawn with your teeth or shaving your pubes with tweezers. Say what you want about our overall health as a nation but at least Americans did it the right way by evolving to eat gut-busting cheeseburgers by shovelling them down with every thumb-having available limb at the same time.
We've cuckholded your entire country into making the products that clearley demonstrate just how better we are then you like iPhones, bath salts, and the fireworks that we literaly use to show you how kick-ass we are every year on our birthday. I have to say you really pranked us good with the whole poisonsous dog-food thing, and that time you hacked into our federal goverment and got everyones social securty payment history probably just so you can see where your money's going. But act like you've been there before. When we hack you guys we dont go around pointing at the scoreboard we keep our heads down and act like we've been there before. Kind of ironic that with all the money you guys spend propping up our currency that we're about to own the hell out of you. You guys think that your so good at tactically feigning injuries but let me tell you from my experience- American women are the best in the world at faking it folks.
And you have to admit its pretty rich that a country whose chief export is synthetic methamphetamine's thinks they can beat the nation who imports all of it. Hell, our team trains in Florida you idiots, theyve been ingesting balth salts through breast milk and tap water for the past 20 years. All the tiger-penis wine in Shainghai cant compete with the tolerence your body builds up when your living and practicing in the Golden Triangle of STIs that spans from Miami to Tampa to Daytona.
Most people only know China as "the country I think we're fighting in Top Gun probably" but its actually much more then that. Here are some fast fun facts:
-They have over a billion people but they dont have a single Alex Morgan. Unbelevable statistical anomaly here.
-Hope Solo's name literally translates to "Fantasize"
-The communists took over the entire country because there leaders went to go basicaly live on a island territory. We would never let that happen here in America
All in all China your in for a long afternoon. You bit off more then you could chew when you decided to mess with Uncle Sam. Yessir you've dug yourself quite the hole indeed, and if I was you I'd put down that shovel and start digging my way back home.