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Japan is a trash soccer team in need of a red white and blue butt-whoopin

Now Im not one for soccer normally but anytime my country takes on the nation of Japan on 4th of July weekend I'm gonig to be drunk, I'm going to be loud, and I'm going to be drunk. There's the door if your not rooting for the Red, White, and Blue.

We're required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Hey Japan, congrats on advancing to the World Cup finals on a technicality, Im sure your proud of yourselves. It took you over 90 minutes for you to force England to embarrass itself in gut-wrenching fashion, I mean even Tim Henmann was wondering what was taking you guys so long.

The Americans on the other hand had to march through Germany on the 60th anniversary of the invasion of Normandy, except this time it was more like Double D Day because our ladies came up huge in the Cup. They lifted our spirits and seperated themselves from the herd by dominating the best team in the world 2-0. On Tuesday we had VE Day over Germany and Sundays going to be V- JayJay day.

Hey Japan, congratsulations on having the biggest military victory in your nations history literally being a sneak attack on Hawai'i. Real impressive stuff there. What, were you afraid that the quad at Reed College would of been too vigilant? Did your generals advise your emporer that the firebombing of the kennel of Corgi puppies would have been too risky? Suprising Hawai'i before 8:00 AM is the type of stuff that would get you kicked out of any polite society, but you guys wear it as a badge of honor just because our goverment decided to ignore your cowardly warning.

Your flag literally looks like a magazine ad for a tampon company, which is ironic because the last 60 years have been a pretty bloody period in your nations history.

You can tell alot about how cool a country is by how much the USA pretends to care about it:

Australia-? Love em. Ever seen Crocidile Dundee or Mad Max?

Brazil-? Cant get enough of em. Half of our porn on Morpheus was misslabeled as Brazillan.

You know how little we care about Japan? The most famous Japanese character in a American movie was played by Tom Cruise.

We're not the only society who dosen't care about you guys either. The nation of Japan only exists because the Russians were building there borders they looked out over Siberia and said "Yeah, we'll take all this fucked up territory until that shitty island starts. Cant do anything with that desolate piece of trash." Your nation is small, angry and you never know when to quit while your ahead. Japan is what a entire country with a Napoleon complex looks like.

I dont know what it is about Japan but you managed to make Bill Murray boring and lame. Hell, I'd be afraid to ever let Asia Careera go visit because you guys would probly turn her into a nun. You turned the guy from Stripes into a Wes Anderon diarama of what a comedian who use to be funny would look like. Memo to Japan, there called "shin-guards" not "shin-toe guards."

We have literally the best soccer player in the world in Megan Rapino- shes half-Woodhead, half-Dellavedova, and half rabid hummingbird folks. I call her Megan Scrapino, and she is the most New England Patriot slot receiver soccer player in world history. Shes a Julian Edelma'am, a real Wes Wekl-her, talking bout a Danny Awomendola folks.

And just in case you thought island-hopping was a thing of the past, we literally have a player named Sydney LeRoux whose name literally translates to "Australian Base."

Your nation has literally admitted that it can not be trusted. You willingly gave up your right to declare war but you continue to build up your own military. In completeley unrelated news, your population is shrinking at a alarming rate meanwhile you stockpile large amounts of disturbing hardcore pornography and have sex with dolls.

Yeah your whole weird island is filled with 125 millon tightly packed horny men, and meanwhile our women have held there opponents scoreless for over 500 consecutive minutes. Frankly when I heard that I was suprised my ex-wife wasnt on the roster folks! But seriously, your in big trouble- this game is played with white balls not blue ones- bad news for a country thats so repressed your favorite sexual position is the waistband tuck.

And you guys certanly think alot of yourselves dont you? The most famous Japanese-Americans are Dean Cain and Robert Griffin III- two guys who will only be remembered for trying so hard to convince everyone that there superman.

Your country is literally a Island, meanwhile as Woodie Guthrie put it the United States is literally a your-land, a my-land, a we-land. Stop me if you've heard this before but four years after suffering a heartbreaking loss to the Japanese the USA beat the Germans and now are full focus is on the land of the rising sun.

Well guess what? Our rising daughters are going to kick your ass.