An in-depth breakdown of crazed Patriots fans storming into training camp

The New England Patriots opened up training camp to there fans this morning and proved once again why they have bar none the best fans in football. Take a look at the group of fans here busting through the gates to get the very best seats possible.

Listen. Ive camped out in lines for lots of stuff. Kottonmouth Kings tickets, alimony hearings, and probably 30 NFL traning camps. As a underemployed adult male, I can attestify that there is an art and a technique to getting the best spots possible for autographs, heckling the players whose dreadlocks are simply out of controll, and taking pictures with your flip phone at a NFL practice.

May I present to you- Sports Science: New England Patriots fans sprint into training camp.

The Leader of the Pack

Hes the guy that jumps off the screen at you here. First in, last out type of guy. You can tell hes been spending some time with his expelled cousins in Arizona traning during the offseason because his technique is almost perfect. Right out of the gate he puts his head down for the first 3 steps to build up speed and then and only then does he raise his head and let his hips release. The best part about not having any friends is that you dont have to wait for them to keep up with your hustle at football practices.

He's not use to the spotlight out front though. You can tell he gets flustered big time when the gates are opened. Hes simply too excited to remember his fundamentals. This is literally the same thing as a soldier who goes to war for the first time. The gate opens, he sees nothing but daylight and he starts high stepping before he hears Don Beebees footsteps right behind him at which point survival instinct kicks in and hes off like a bat out of hell.

Orange Shorts

First of all if your reading this- sup?

Ok so she lines up out wide, probably a smart idea for her to avoid the bump and run taking place on the inside. She runs a out and up to get around the coverage until she gets out in the open. But then watch her arms, it seems like shes  doing a impression of a hula dancer having a fencing reflex.

But as she pulls out into the open field she takes her eyes off the field and instead focuses on her wrist at her timepiece IN FULL STRIDE. The only thing  this girl should be "watching" is more film to improve her technique folks. Is she checking her heart rate? Pedometer? Just making sure that "yep, Im still supposed to be at work right now"? Maybe its a apple watch that shes using to get in better shape I dont know. You know what the original wearable technology is that makes women more attractive? A smile.

Power Couple on the left

"Hey babe wear your tube top and short shorts so that Gronk will notice you then I'll get a picture of him autographing your stomach itll be awesome"

Who says chivalry is dead? This guy lets his girl go ahead of him and then does a Bush-push on her to direct her through the chaos. She turns back to say something cheesy and stupid like "why are we doing this" and he redirects her immedately with a reassuring "go go go."

The White Guy who Loves Patriots Football

That one white guy sure is something else.

Kid in the Red Edelman Jersey

A amateur watches this tape and thinks "that kid doesnt know what he's doing." A pro like me watches it and I can immedately spot the stride of a youngster who in all likelihood is a coaches son that just needs time to develop. I call this kid "Sushi" because hes a little raw has some ginger in him but might be pretty good once he gets on a roll. Watch him go to work here across the middle- hes obviously modeling his game after Edelman himself- just a undersized kid who goes across the middle then wanders around like hes concussed.

Red Tank Top

Runs a good rub route here on Edelman despite the fact that hes got a camera dangling around his neck. Weaves in and out of traffic pretty easily and moves with purpose.

But wait. No. Shut the hell up. No way.

Hes literally fliming himself running into Pats camp using a selfie stick. Literally the running of the tools folks.

Folks its every kids dream to GoPro but this just isnt how its done. Go Pros are for when you do cool things like commit crimes or want to see what happens when your dog swallows a camera. Just because your going into a Patriots practice doesnt mean you have to secretly record everything you do kid.

Gray Shirt

This guy is the most NFL-ready of all the fans. Tying the under strap on your backpack is just such a professonal move I cant even stand it. He has a nice clean release out of the bunch formation and just plain outworks every one else. I get the feeling that this kid showed up just a couple minutes late so that he purposeley WASNT the first one out when the gates opened. He's so mad that anyones in front of him that it just motivates him to strive harder. You can almost see him saying "I HATE YOU SO MUCH" to the lead kid as he tries to overtake him. Sometimes you need that extra motivation to achieve greatness.

The Sunbather

This ladies more Slowis Lane then Superman folks which is ironic because you can tell shes been spending too much time laying out on the Cape. Her stride screams "Mile 17 in a marathon and I have to take a dump" which actualy got me thinking, I think she ran all the way out here. Not only is she incredbly sunburned but she's also by far the sweatiest person in the video, which tells me shes been running at that same pace for the last 50 minutes and timed it exactly perfect so that she hit the gates just at opening.

Mom of the Year

This lady is all about team. Theres no "I" in famly folks and she gets it. She's at the front and center of the gates in prime position to sprint out to a early lead, but as they open she just starts walking cool as a cucumber under pressure like Brady himself. She's got her 22 year old sons snack,  backpack, chair, and his "Booger Goodell" poster tucked away safely. A wiley veteran move on her part to fake like she's going to run, but then let her son sprint away from her so she can get to the concesson stand and start double-fisting yellow tail.

Red Hat Road Grader

The amount of ground this guy covers is nothing short of impossible. Simply electric footwork as he makes his way through the human equivilant of a Rio De Janero lagoon from all the way on the left side of your screen to finishing on the right. Keep a close eye on him and watch him finish the play and absolutely blindside the short girl in the sunglasses like a pulling guard.

Its easy to be confused by his misdirection here since he's going against the flow of the play, but then you look closer and notice he's making a absolute beeline for the Cheerleader tent with a backpack full of swimsuit calendars that arent going to sign themselves.

Julian Edelma'am

Literally brought her lunch pail. Love it.

Large Adult Son in a White Gronk Jersey

Look at the choppy steps getting his knees under his body pre-snap. Look at the explosiveness. Look at the body control. Hes such a smooth natural runner you dont even notice the huge sign hes carrying until its to late and hes already in the front row blocking everyone elses view of practice with his "Do Your Job" poster.

Watch as he has the presents of mind to switch hands at the last minute to tuck the sign under his outside shoulder in case he gets hit or his left arm starts to throb at the onset of another cardiac event.

The Guy Wearing Pants

In conclusion

Yes, in conclusion, Pats fans are the most loyal and also the most annoying fanbase in the history of professonal sports, but shame on the Patriots organization treating there fans this way. You know who else kept people trapped behind gates at a camp right? Thats right, another leader who thought it was us against the World.

★★★

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